Can someone help me understand my mom?

Question

I grew up in a smaller town (about 10,000). My mom and dad have lived in the same place since they were married (mom was born 20 miles away). My dad is from Denmark and came over for school. Okay well, my mom is kind of different, or maybe a better word is curious and unsettled. She says she is so lonely because there are no people like her that are into different ways of thinking. She has never worked. She studies goddesses and yoga, meditation. All she does is read. She says that she wants to give up being a mother and let her kids figure it all out themselves. My sisters are 14 and 16. She says she wishes she would have followed her dream of being a broadway actress...aka not having us. My dad works so hard. My mom is always using 'his' money to travel to workshops, trainings. She says that my dad is not interesting. But he has to work all the time (he owns a grocery store), and for that reason she is able to live the way she does. What is she up to? And I know for a fact that...

any other wives in our town who acted this way would scare their husbands so much that the husbands would tie them down. For example, my mom went to CO with my dad skiing. My dad LOVES skiing. & my mom hates it (she hates anything that is not overflowing with 'meaning') so she calls a guy she met at one of her trainings and spends 3 hours with him hiking.! I couldn't believe my dad puts up with this. Yet he is 150% behind everything she does. My mom has said that in 5 years she might just up & go to somewhere that is more suitable to her ways of thinking. My dad is perfectly happy being where he is. They live on a lake and my dad loves the quiet &nature. & mom is bored to death...&t o me isn't willing to compromise with him at all. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with how my mom is? She's very overwhelming at times and requires a lot of energy at times. I wish she would just be happy and settled where she is. I also wish that my dad had more of a backbone &stand up for himself more!

Another note to add: my mom was very sick as a child with severe allergies and asthma, so bad that her parents never thought she'd live past 15. But my mom is healthier than ever now..according to her..because she has embraced new ways of thinking/healing. So maybe it is okay that she wants to finally live her life and not be the typical stay-at-home supermom, since she had such a crappy childhood!??

My mom never beat her stomach or wished she had never had us. But on some level she wishes that. Does that make sense?? She loves us dearly but part of her wishes she had followed her heart..I think her Dad told her once that her duty in life was to be a good mother/wife. That's it. So maybe in a way she is rebelling against that but it's AFTER she had us..and that's what makes it tough on us...you know. She says she loves us and my dad a lot, and I know she does. But should I just let her do her thing or should I let her kind of be selfish, which is what this feels like to me.

Answer 1

I feel so badly for you... it sounds like your mom has never grown up. It seems like she is wallowing in regrets because she never went out and 'experienced life' when she was young, and feels like she is missing something. And either your father loves her very much.. or he just doesn't want to rock the boat and break up the family.

Not sure that you'll ever be able to understand your mother, but perhaps you could develop some pity for her.. she seems to be a very sad, selfish, unfulfilled person.

Answer 2

Your mother is living a direct contradiction of the very lifestyle she has claimed to have adopted. She sounds like she has issues with depression, and instead of going out and joining society, she has chosen to isolate herself with people who think like her. I sense that your father is probably feeling sorry for her, so he tolerates her new found quirkiness. What your mother did during the ski trip was totally inappropriate and it tells me that the only thing she has adopted is selfishness. Your mother made the choice to have children rather then take the gamble of trying to become a broadway actress. If she had, had any talent to begin with, she would have at least done something on broadway, but SHE chose not to hone any skills she thought she possessed. If she regrets her past then she regrets her marriage, and your father needs to drop her like a hot rock. He should not be forced to listen to her endless pitty party. She should think about the self sacrifices he made supporting her all these years. I think your mother needs an intervention, her selfishness seems to know no bounds considering her willingness to let your younger siblings fend for themselves. How unloving!

Answer 3

Sounds to me like she is selfish,spoiled and not as intelligent as she thinks.I would let her go do her "thing" and not let the door hit her in her a-- on the way out.Children are a gift from God and are young only once.If she is too selfish to realize that,then she doesn't deserve you.If I were your dad,I would not give her anymore money.He should make her work in his store and realize where the money comes from and how hard it is to work.She is squandering the money away.
Honey,she is not going to change.My mom told me from the time I could remember to the day she died that she wish I was never born and use to beat her stomach to get rid of me.But here I am,and am glad I am here.Do not let her attitude affect you.Realize it is not you,only her own selfishness that is responsible for her thinking and actions.

Answer 4

hi omit Spoiled boastful Thinks-She-Can-Have-each little thing-She-needs... only for the reason which you're getting clothing at JC Penny's would not advise you heavily isn't favourite. i think of the shirts at places like Kohls are even cooler using fact anybody who shops at Hollister continuously has a similar spectacular shirts. i visit a very wealthy college yet stay in a center-type kinfolk. only using fact i do no longer positioned on Areopostale shirts would not make human beings think of i'm undesirable. they only determine that i do no longer choose the shallow satisfaction of dumping my money into procuring shirts that every person else has. Your mom is nice. you are able to positioned on final years clothing. except you gained a gaggle of weight or something. in case you like clothing from costly shops, purchase them your self. money would not enhance on wood. you're mothers and dads are probably hurting from the economic gadget issues happening. a minimum of you ought to help out via getting a job to pay for you snob clothing.

Answer 5

I think a lot of your mom's talking is dreams. The truth is she did have children and NO one forced her.Your mom is a stay at home mom because she wants to be, NO one is making her stay home each day. If your mother was so unhappy, she would make changes herself. I think when she talks out loud with her comments, she's doing it for attention. Your father must be used to her, and he does know her in a much different way than you kids. With all the reading she does, it must really broaden her mind with dreams! Just smile at her, and I guess let her know she appreciated and loved!

Answer 6

It sounds to me like she is having an identity crisis. She is trying to find some kind of meaning to her life. She may feel like she is in a rutt. I know that I always wonder what It would of been like if I would of chased my dream. But then I ve always had it pretty rough. It sounds like she has got what she needs financially, but not emotionally. I wouldn't take it too personally against you and your siblings. She is your mother and although at times it may seem that she doesn't care, she does. She just needs to find herself. regardless of being a mother, a wife and a caretaker. she will always be those things, but she seems to need to find a direction for herself. something that makes her life worth more to herself.
Try joining in with her interests, try to understand where she is coming from. Ask questions, let her know that she is a good mom. and try to be her friend instead of just one of her kids. be her best friend. she probably needs a best friend. let her know how much you love her. I bet it will make all the difference in the world to her and to you.
peace be with you and your siblings.

Answer 7

Maybe your mum feels like she hasnt had her own life before having kids. Or maybe she is just one of those people who shouldnt have children because they are too selfish.. No matter wat remember that she might say these things but somewhere in there she really does love you guys...

Answer 8

Reading a lot and meditating a lot is excellent, however one must use, what I call "A Middle, balanced approach", to find the balance one needs in life. I work Full Time as an R.N. 60 hrs a week in fact, take two night classes, study, homework, am Happily married, and make the quality time to spend time with my wife and my two wonderful children. And I read often and meditate 1 - 2 hrs. a day daily.
Things can be all balanced out without neglecting anyone. Time management skills have greatly come in handy for me.
Do not watch TV at all during the week, and on the weekend, only 1 hour. Family always comes first before reading for pleasure.
To me, People are always much more important than things.
I am about to type up something in which I hold dear to my heart. *Please Patiently read this with an open-mind. *Thank You.

Love means Unconditional Love.
Attachments mean Conditional Love.
It is Important to keep the two above statements in mind, as you read this. Thx.

*hat in the world is the difference between loving a person and being selfishly attached to them?
Love is the sincere wish for others to be happy, and to be free from suffering.
Having realistically recognized others' kindness as well as their faults, love is always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have No ulterior motives to fulfill our self-interest, or to fulfill our desires; to love others simply because they exist.
Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others' good qualities and makes us crave to be with them. When we're with them, we're happy, but when we're separated from them, we are often miserable. Attachment is linked with expectations of what others should be or do.
Is love as it is usually understood in our society
really love? or attachment ? or even possibly for some, only selfish lust.
Let us examine this a bit more. Generally we are attracted to people either because they have qualities we value or because they help us in some way. If we observe our own thought processes mindfully, and carefully - we'll notice that we look for specific qualities in others.
Some of these qualities we find attractive, others are those our parents, or society value.
We examine someone's looks, body, education,
financial situation, social status. This is how most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value to us.
In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they help us, praise us, make us feel secure, listen to what we have to say, care for us when we are sick or depressed, we consider them good people, and it is this type of people we are most likely to be more attracted to.
But this is very biased, for we judge them only in terms of how they relate to "us", as if we are the most important person in the world.
After we've judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them it appears to us as if goodness is coming from them, but if we are more aware, we recognize that we have projected this goodness onto them.
Desiring to be with the people a lot who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo's -
when we're with these people, we're Up, when we're not with these people, we're Down.
Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with those people will be and thus have expectations of them. When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we're very disappointed, or may become angry !
We want them to change so that they will they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from the other people.
Our problems arise not because others aren't
who we thought they we're, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they
aren't.
Checklist: "I Love You if __________ "
What we call love is most often attachment.
It is actually a disturbing attitude that overestimates the qualities of another person.
We then cling to tightly to that person, thinking our happiness depends on that person.
"Love, on the other hand, is an open and very calm, relaxed attitude. We want someone to be happy, and free from suffering simply because they exist. While attachment is uncontrolled and much too sentimental, Love is direct and powerful. Attachment obscures our judgment and we become impatient, angry, and impartial, helping only our dear ones and harming those who we don't like. Love builds up others, and clarifies our minds, and we
access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on
selfishness, while Love is founded upon cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to the eyes. Love looks beyond
all the superficial appearances, and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want inner peace, happiness, and want to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, dirty, ignorant people, we feel repulsed because our selfish minds want to know attractive, intellectual, clean, and talented people. Love, on the other hand, never evaluates others by these superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others' appearances, their experience is the same as ours: they seek inner peace, to be happy, to be free from sufferings, and to do their best to avoid problems.
When we're attached, we're not mentally and emotionally free. We overly depend on and cling to another person to fulfill our mental and especially our emotional needs. We fear losing the person, feeling we'd be incomplete without him.
This does not mean that we should suppress our emotional needs or become aloof, alone and totally independent, for that too does not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs, and slowly seek to eliminate them. Some emotional needs may be so strong that they can't be dissolved immediately.
If we try to suppress them or pretend they do not exist, we become anxious, insecure, falling into a depression. In this case, we can do our best to fulfill our needs while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them.
"The core problem is we seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others rather than to understand them. In all honesty, our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfishness obscuring our own minds. 'We can develop self-confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a selfless human being with many, magnificent qualities, then we'll develop a true and accurate feeling of self-confidence. And then we'll seek to increase true love, without attachments, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience and understanding, as well as generosity, concentration and wisdom.
'Under the influence of attachment we're bound by our emotional reactions to others. When they are nice to us, we're happy. When they ignore us, or speak sharply to us, we take it personally and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn't mean we become hard-hearted. Rather, without attachment there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine Affection and Impartial Love for them.
We'll be actively involved with them.
If we learn to subdue our attachments, we can most definitely have successful friendships and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer because of the freedom and respect - the relationships will be based on. We'll care about the happiness and the misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same in wanting and needing inner peace, happiness, and not wanting to suffer. However, our lifestyles and interests may be more compatible with those of some people more so than with others and that is alright. In any case, our relationships will be based on mutual Love, mutual interests, and the wish to help each other in life.*

Thank You for Patiently reading everything I have typed up to share with you. It was alot.

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