my wife started smoking again?

Question

when I first started dating my wife I told her i would never marry a smoker and well sure enough she quit I felt it was great that she thought enough of me to do it . and not just for me but she had 2 kids who begged her to quit. well 3 months into our marriage I catch her she tells me shes been doing it about a month ..this floored me .and it hurt awful I feel very betrayed .she tells me I have to except it that she did it when i 1st met her.. but she wasnt doing it when I married her.or I wouldn't have married her ..we have fought all nite over this now she is asleep and I am sick and unable to sleep.I do not know what to do I love her but now do not trust her .because she hide this from me ..and feel now that she doesnt love me as she once did .I need help because as of now .I feel our love is alomost over and so is marriage .

I guess I should ad details my wife goes to church so when we started all this non smoking stuff it was her part of a deal my part was I would no longer drink or go out to bars or hang out with my best friend because he drunk .(and honest I very seldom did drink would go throw darts at bar never went to drink but she didnt want me there because she said it looked bad to go in a bar. also I was a gambling addict sh told me I had to stop that also ..And I have kept all of my part. I asked 1 thing of her she asked for my life to do a complete change so how am I wrong to be upset that I gave up my life and couldnt get 1 thing from her

Answer 1

Maybe she should take up alcohol and drugs to save the marriage.

Answer 2

God - stop with the drama king act and grow up! If your "love is almost over because of this" then you haven't a clue as to what love truly is!!! Go immediately to a counselor cause your problems are much bigger than her smoking! WAKE UP!!! Would you have married her with Diabetes? --- that's a condition that can be caused by poor choices made by a person (obesity, poor diet, etc.) Sure I get that you feel betrayed or feel she disrespected your up front criteria, but get over yourself. Unless she went back to smoking to tic you off deliberately (which she didn't cause she tried to hide it) then keep this in perspective ---which is the fact that tobacco addiction is not an easy fix, and you're married now, so step up and be her ally against this WITH HER not AT HER!!! Be understanding instead of acting like a spoiled brat and the poor pitiful injured party, offer to take her for lazer therapy-it's well documented with a high sucess rate, support and praise her renewed attempt to quit a nasty gripping habit. OR -get out of her life now, cause she doesn't need to grow old with a mate that can't handle the potholes in a relationship that are destined to surface, in such a selfish immature manner. It's not about YOU - its always about WE in a marriage or relationship. Are you so perfect you'll never ever make any choice that will dissapoint, offend, harm, embarass, her or even yourself in any way???? I doubt it, unless this perfection is in your mind only. Will you never be impotent? Will you never be bald? Will you never get a pot belly? Will you never belch or fart inappropriately? If so I want to shake your hand, cause I have NEVER met a perfect person, not even in the mirror!!! She must have wonderful qualities that caused you to propose or you would have stuck to your so called conviction and dropped her as soon as you learned she was a smoker---but you didn't --and you married each other for BETTER or WORSE. And she felt bad enough to try and hide her relapse from you fearing your reaction DUH & HMMMM!!! Wonder why she couldn't come to you and talk about this when it surfaced? Maybe your a tad unreasonable or unapproachable when things aren't your way??? Have you deduced what was the stressor that caused her relapse?? Did you have possibly any part in this relapse stress???Sorry ya hit a bump after only 3 months, but maybe this is meant to teach you both the meaning and principles of commitment and Marriage. It's not the actual problems that cause divorce generally --- its how couples manage them that counts. Step up and be the Hero and show her you've got her back, and she can beat this again with your help because you'r marriage is worth the effort. Keep on Ragging about it, and that stress will create more craving for a cigarette and a call to a lawyer! Would you rather be single/divorced on principle--- or happily married due to you both working out the wrinkles in life as a team TOGETHER?? Think about this also - when a marriage ends it affects others also. You don't have the right to hurt each other and others with divorce over such a reason. This problem is totally solvable. Lastly is this really about the smoking or is that just a "smokescreen" (pun intended LOL) for other hidden issues???So now is the test to see just what you both are really made of! I wish you wisdom, patience and success :)

update:
I read your update ---Remember-it's a marriage not a scorecard. OK- it's great you accomplished what you did - kudos 2 U!!! Your still missing a vital point. It's still about how you manage the problems more so than the problems themselves, get offa here and get counseling or at least self help books -- I recommend Dr. Phils Relationship Rescue, also his book Families First. Hang in there :)

Answer 3

The only person that is making the marriage seem like it is over is you, if she had an affair then you could be forgiven for acting like this but to want to give up on a marriage because of smoking is beyond me and therefore i don't thin you loved this woman at all. To turn around and say that you wouldn't marry her cause she smokes is stupid, you knew she smoked when you met her. What annoying habit did you give up for her? Did you try and help her while she was giving up or did you nag her that she wasn't doing it quick enough? When you are a smoker (i am) you can't give it up because someone else tells you to, you need to do it because you want to do it. Offer her some help with the quitting and this time be patient with her and allow her some slack. Don't give up on your marriage just because she is smoking.

Answer 4

keep your head up, its not the end of a relationship, theres plenty of worse things out there that could have happened, i.e. cheating on you, but this is not the case, you know you love your wife and you should know she loves you back, but smoking is a very bad problem and doesnt go away that easily or yet alone that quickly, this shows another hurdle you and your wife need to jump across, there will always be problems in a relationship but thats why relationships are so strong, they work together to pass that. You need her, and she needs you, especially because she needs to get past that problem and your one of the few she can turn to. Sleep on it realize that its not over, sure trust might have been broken, but a smoking habit is very harsh on anybody yet alone very addicting, its not the end, it just proves you and her need to be more open to each other and help each other with any problems. That in turn will make your relationship stronger

Answer 5

Kevin, you are one of those person that hates smoker, but if you love your wife, you will not change her for the way she is. When the two of you took the vows, it meant for sickness and in health. Don't you realize that most people that smoke are under stress and pressure? could it be that it cost by 2 children.
You might not like what I tell you and i do apologize for it but you must also realize why she hid it from you, you didn't accept her for what she is. She loves you enough to quit smoking,and this does not make her a bad person. Yes you will loose her love because you didn't accept her for what she is....................

Answer 6

Smoking is an addiction that is extremely hard to break. If you really love her like you say you do, then help her. Understand the disease, look for ways to educate yourself as you how you can help the woman you love to stop killing herself. Work with her, not against her. You will win in the end. She needs to understand how important it is to you. That you love her enough to want her to live forever. That her children want her to live. It won't be easy, but you are married now and life is nothing but a string of adventures and adversity. Be there for each other, support each other, love always and the adventures will be many and the adversity few.

Answer 7

First, you must realise that quitting smoking is nearly impossible and that most people who quit smoking fall back into smoking at least once. You have to realise that quitting is something she must do for herself not because she loves you or for her children. Yes, you knew she was a smoker. As long as she's smoking outside, she's not harming your lungs or her childrens lungs. You can nag her and fight about it, but until she wants to quit for the right reasons every attempt will end in failure.

Answer 8

I can understand that she lied to you, but is it that bad of smoking that you dont love her anymore? I dont think you love her at all because if you do, you will give her some time and space and try to sort out the things and not indulge in fighting. Fighting will never bring any solution only it will cause more trouble and pain and she will become depressed and will smoke more. Give her some time and space and try to work out the things cooly with her.

Answer 9

first thing have you every smoke,, well snokeing is one of the hardest ting ,you can try to do,,, tooo, i bet at some point, you make her feel bad,,,, an if you keep on, an if you tell her to stop,, you going to find your self with out a wife,,,, try to help her stop, dont start the yelling an saying you going to this,, for when you do,, she going to show you, she got a brain, an will smoke to, just show you ,she can,,,, try to be under standing,, an help her stop,

Answer 10

Smoking is an addiction. You need to look past it and not try to change who she is or she will really resent you. At least she was honest with you when you asked her. I can see ending a marriage over unfaithfulness or something- not smoking.

Answer 11

Dude, she's smoking, not boinking your brother. Cut her some slack. Smoking is a hard thing to quit, I kmow...