Getting cold feet- should I call off the wedding?

Question

I'm scheduled to be married, this September the 27th and have been getting some seriously cold feet... Mostly due to her messed up family, terrible state of finances and a sexual problem that's making sex not too enjoyable. I'm also not sure anymore that I can live with her 16yr old son without going insane.

How do I know if I should really call the thing off? I wanted to just put it on hold for a while, but she says that if I'm ever going to want kids we have to start within a year because she's almost 38 and will be too old to have them soon.

I'm 34 and have no children. She is very nice to me and loving and everything. If she were a little younger, had a better family, no son and was self lubricating she would be the perfect woman. What should I do?

Answer 1

She's the one running out of time not you. If you are having seconds thoughts now - it's only going to get WORSE as time goes by, after you get married, and by the time you do have a child with her - it will be a DEADLY TRAINWRECK! It's best to end things now before you are married and especially before a child is involved.

Sorry this relationship didn't work out, but you are still young enough to find a relationship that will work for you. Don't stay in this relationship - right now - things are the best they ever will be with her - if you marry her, someday 10 years from now you will be thinking about this year and saying: "2007 - those were the good ol' days before things got bad". Seriously.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

The sex issue is an immature issue for you. Get over it and get some KY. Obviously, you haven't been with too many women.

As far as the son...its difficult to raise a 16 year old from birth let alone walk in half-way through. Thing is, he'll be gone in 1-2 years to college or "whatever". Teens are trying and you'll never be his dad or be able to act like a dad. She'll be the one to control him...if that's possible. Be glad it isn't a daughter! Still, the son is an issue that you either live with and know he'll be in college soon. He's probably got a social life as well so most teens are involved in outside activities or doing homework. You only see them to eat ;-).

If you accept her - accept all of her. A good relationship doesn't put stipulations on either person or conditions.

Her age should mean nothing to you since you're both about the same age. The child thing...if you want to have children, she can probalby have them into her 40's...if she wants. Just be sure the two of you discuss raising a child before you get married.

Her family...many think you marry the family as well. Its kind of true. You can not criticize her family to her. She knows her family is messed up so she'll do it all by herself.

Her finances...what woman raising a teenager alone doesn't have financial problems? Very few.

The two of you would benefit from marriage counseling - a lot. She sounds wonderful but you sound a little bit like you're better than she is...and your not.

Now that I type this I'm thinking maybe she shouldn't marry you unless you make some major changes in your attitude.

Answer 3

If you can't handle her son, you shouldn't marry. He may be 16 but that doesn't mean he will move out by the time he is 18 depending on his situation. If she has some messed up finances and is looking to you to help fix the situation you need to be sure that is something you are also willing to do. She can't bring your credit down, you just can't apply for loans or what not, together. If her messed up family lives close and you two don't have plans on moving, then there would be another reason not to marry. The lubricating problem is easily solved with some ky. You say she is very loving and nice to you, but you never said that you were in love with her.
If you truly loved her, the fact that she loved you and was nice to you would be all that mattered, but you are bringing up other things that could be worked out, but instead using it as an excuse to not marry. So, just tell her flat out that you don't want to marry her.

Answer 4

You never ever get married unless you are absolutely sure about making it a lifetime commitment. Too many people look at marriage as nothing different than buying a new car. If you don't like it just get rid of it and get another one. Marriage should be taken very seriously and all the problems that you bring into a marriage(the messed up family, the finances, the stepson, and the medical problems) are yours to deal with as well as your wife. You take those vows for better or worse. If these problems are bothering you now then you've got no business taking them on in September. The commitment you make will mean that you take her with all the baggage she brings along just as hers will be with you. Understand that and make your decision one way or the other.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are talking yourself out of the marriage and if you have this many doubts, then postpone everything. Her son is not going to disappear and if you can't live with him, then that will continue to cause you problems. The lubrication problem may be stress. You can use something for that or just help her along a bit. Make it fun, it sounds more like a chore. If she is worried about having kids in the next year, then you need to decide if you want children. If you want children of your own, then move on. She is right, after 35 risk for birth defects go up significantly. There may be someone out there for you with no baggage. Is she worth it? That is the question. Only you can make that call.

Answer 6

Well the whole purpose of getting married is to love them flaws and all. The son you are going to have to accept as they come in a package deal. you are marrying her not her family, finances well who doesn't have problems with their finances once in a while and the sexual problem should be looked at by a doctor, are you doing enough foreplay or are you just getting your rocks off?? If you can't see yourself being with her and think that all these problems are too hard to overlook call it off now before you hurt her even more. Don't marry her if it's not what you want, better to do it now before you's are married and then have to divorce, this wil only make it harder. I think you need to focus on why you love her and not the flaws that she has.

Answer 7

Sounds like you already know the answer. If she was younger, self lubricating and didn't have her son she would be perfect? Well, she is not the one for you. None of these things can be changed, and you are not able to accept them, which is ok, you have that right. Marriage is forever, at least it is suppose to be. I am singe, 37, and at age 20 I married, we had a child already together. He left me 2 weeks after the wedding. He had cold feet before the wedding but couldn't bring himself to call if off. I wish he had. It would of saved me alot of heartache. As angry as I was for him leaving, now I can honestly say thank you to him for doing what was best for both of us. He loved me, and I loved him, but our lives are so different and are going in different directions. So ultimately by leaving he saved us both from a disatrous life together, therefor I am now gratefull. You deserve to have what you desire. If it is not her, and sounds like it's not, you owe it to her to let her know now, and even though it is hard, you will be thankfull that you did in the long run. There is someone out there for you, you will find her. Just put this chapter to bed, and start a new one. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

Ask her to call childrens aide to talk to her son, they love parents who care. If you want to be part of her life then you have to know how to discipline the kid too. Its not easy but sit down with her and ask her what she wants you to do and not to do so you know what to do yourself. As for self lubricating a woman has problems with this during medopause, its normal, however, its not normal for a man to tell anyone this. Get a life, medical problems is not the same as not interested!!! If you love her you will deal with her family and just love her more, ask how to handle the 16 yr old and call childrens aide yourself, Nobody is perfect, give your head a shake and do a whole lot more understanding and you will know what to do take care Heather

Answer 9

Quit making excuses, you knew all these things when you got engaged. Problems are in every relationship, you are only 4 years younger, most people have problems with the in laws, her son will be out of the house in 2 years, and vaseline works wonders (so I hear).

Do you love this woman? If so then stand up and be a man.

Answer 10

Do you love this woman? if yes go ahead and marry her. Are these problems been there befoare? it looks like you seeing them today yet they have been there for the last time. You have been covered in the love blanket. Turn your problems into challenges. First sit down alone and look at how you going to solve them, one by one. You can even involve them. Do run away from them because they will chase you, so meet them and solve them anyway.

Finally concerning your marriage look at the aspect of Happiness in that marriage. How the two of you can bring it about. if itso rare, call it off. if you will be happy with it go ahead. You can even invite me (joke).