How does one ask for a divorce?

Question

A dear friend of mine is finally at the point to ask for a divorce from her husband but she doesn't know how to do it. Should she just leave a note on the table? Hire a lawyer and serve papers? Sit him down and be honest? They have been married almost 19 years, but she has been unhappy most of it. Unfortunately she's always acted like nothing was wrong and pretended the marriage was perfect, which obviously makes everything much much harder. She has started standing up for herself lately, but a few months of having a backbone doesn't knock out the years of fake smiles. This question is not should she ask for a divorce or if god will be mad (he has more important things to deal with), it's simply about what's the best way to ask for a divorce when the husband is in denial that a problem even exists? I would especially like to hear from those that have asked for a divorce or have had a divorce requested to them.

Links to articles on how to ask for a divorce would be helpful too. I searched online and found a lot about "should I ask for a divorce" and "what questions do I ask a divorce lawyer", but the actual act of how to tell someone you just aren't feeling it anymore seems amiss in Yahoo & Google.

Answer 1

One of my closest friends was in this situation a few years back. She came to the point where she could not even be with him in the same room. There was no real fights between them, just that everything turned into a conflict, from "What do you want for dinner?" to "Did you walk the dog tonight?" etc...

As she put it - it just became to hard to be married. She came to the point one night that she just decided to bite the bullet and came right out and said to him - "I can't do this anymore. We are just not good people when we're together, and I don't like myself with you."

That got the conversation rolling. He was also in denial. Throughout the marriage - when she would bring up counseling he would say - "I don't have a problem, if you do then you need counseling." But this really woke him up. He actually started listening, and you know what - she started listening too.

At that point, they did decide to go to a councilor. Alas, it was not meant to be, but at least they understood why they were getting the divorce, and resolved a lot of the issues they had suppressed for years. They're not best buddies, but they are amicable with each other, and fortunately didn't make their friends choose sides in the divorce.

Answer 2

Typically, if one can sit down and be civil with their partner, then one might try discussing the problems before they so quickly opt for divorce. I understand the 19 years aspect of her "unhappiness", but who's fault is that? I understand I am being rather harsh, but you are a dear friend honey, you are not her. She has lived with this man for 19 years. 19 years is a very long time in this day and age of marriage. I think it is great that she has finally decided to liberate herself and develop a backbone, but the happiness she seeks, has to come from within. A divorce doesn't create that. People paint this rosey picture of what a relief divorce can be for them, but what they fail to tell anyone is the feelings of being alone, the lack of companionship, somone to depend upon, how they miss the little things, the daily routines, the simplicity of their old lives, etc. It's not a cure all honey and as a dear friend, you might want to enlighten her, not encourage her to go running in the other direction. I'm not knocking you, but I was appalled that you were asking for website links in "how to". Why not ask for a website on "how to" turn this marriage of hers around and make it what she wants. At one point in time she loved this man. I don't know what happened to drift them so far apart over the years, but that happens in life and the couples that take the steps they need to find each other again truly do end up happier in the end. But it's not the easy road....then again...neither is divorce.

And I can say this from experience. I'm married now 18 years and for the first eight, I was married to a man I didn't even know. I thought I had the perfect life, so did everyone else. But just like your "dear friend" is was filled with empty smiles and a feeling of complete despair. I was miserable and we separated, where I became ten times more miserable. The problem wasn't with my husband. It was with me. I looked to him for my happiness instead of looking to myself for what I wanted out of life. After we made a few changes, sought out counseling, things slowly started turning around. I'm now more in love with my husband than I could ever be. He's my best friend, he doesn't just make me happy, he completes my life. And I would have thrown that all away if I kept thinking those same things your friend is thinking. So unless there is sever abuse, neglect, or some detrimental circumstances in which she just simply cannot remain married to this man, a dear friend should encourage her to sort it out.....THEN if that doesn't work, help her get the courage to sit this man down and be totally honest with him.

Answer 3

I was married for 28 years and when I told my husband at the time, I was honest with him. I left and filed. I moved to another county and we went through the paperwork by mail. When the divorce was final he stated that he thought I was bluffing. Now we are friends. Not all couples are that lucky. Be careful. Some people are afraid of change especially when they didn't know there was a problem to begin with. Be sure that the divorce is something you really want because there is no going back. Once you tell the spouse it can cause irreparable harm. Think long and hard. Good Luck

Answer 4

I am also in this position at this time and have found that honesty is the best policy(I know you want to throw up in your mouth right now but it is true). From experience just this evening I would whole heartedly say to sit him down and explain how you feel then explain that she needs to be happy and that does not happen to be with him. I hope this helps because me being honest tonight to my soon to be x, made me feel fantastic.

Answer 5

Here in the states you don't have to ask anyone's permission to file for divorce. You just go to a family court lawyer and have him draw up the papers and serve the other party.

Answer 6

your "friend" after 19 years of marriage, needs to sit down and honestly talk with her husband; make sure he's listening and knows she is serious, then go file; she doesn't need to "ask" for a divorce, but she needs to talk with him first and let him know where she stands.

Answer 7

Divorce is NEVER easy there is NO asking - its all about TELLING. I'm telling YOU I WANT A DIVORCE. OR- may I have a divorce from you please. Quite a difference even when you write it out- I WANT-verses could I. Need I say more.

Answer 8

She should sit her husband down, look him squarely in the eye, and say this to him...."This marriage is NOT working for me". "I am unhappy, and have been for a long time". "I am going in the morning, and see my lawyer. " I suggest you do the same!" Be firm, but never ugly or boastful about it. Then excuse yourself, and do just what you said you were going to the next morning.

Answer 9

Be honest about the divorce.
Now for you as her friend stay away because this will blow up in your good intention face if she decides to go back to husband.
Then she could say your the one who pushed me.
It happen twice to my wife and she lost both friends because of it,
Keep your healthy distance if you want to remain friend with this person.