Someone tell me a story...?

Question

please?

Answer 1

Sure....
I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married “for the baby”. She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse “oops” on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to “think about all this.” I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batsh*t insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure that this baby is mine?”

Well, she goes batsh*t insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, “You’re screwed”.

Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. “I am sterile”

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. “You’re full of sh*t. You’re trapped and you know it.”

I hold up the letter and the test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullsh*t, those are fakes.”

I was ready for that. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

Answer 2

Once upon a time, a young woman wandered in the mist of a cool summers' evening. As she walked she heard nothing, it was still and silent. Suddenly out of the silence she heard a light whimper; she looked and looked, and finally saw it. A little dog who's tail was caught on some thorns. She bent down to the frightened puppy and released the tangled hairs from the brambles. Once free the pup leaped up and kissed her face and arms, and followed her all the way home. She tried and tried to tell him to go home! But he followed dutifully at her heels the entire way. When she got home, she took him in, and gave him a bath, only then noticing that her hands were bloody from the thorns. The pup crawled onto her lap and fell asleep, while the woman fell slowly in love; and the two eventually fell asleep. 12 years later, the two still walk together, side by side, every evening. The end.

Answer 3

Once upon a time there was an ugly little dog. He knew he was ugly because everyone told him so All he would hear is Get out of here your so ugly. He decided to go live in the forrest all by himself. After all what else could he do. In the forest he came upon a little house with a front porch. All of a sudden an old witch came out. All she had ever heard was how ugly she was. Well they met and both said at the same time gee your beautiful and they lived happily ever after You see Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Answer 4

There once was a princess named Jessica.Jessica was ordered by her father to go and buy a bag of seeds and open them and throw them in the garden.She went to get a pai lof water but she ran into the prince and was speechless.She went back to the castle and poured the water all over the flowers thinking about the prince.She told the maid to make a invitation to give to Jonathan to take to every house and read.About a hour later a mile long line of men were in the garden with the king.The prince went in first after the king came out from secretly writing a P on a flower.The prince didn't know what was going on so he picked any old flower but he really picked the P flower.The king saw it and released everyone else.The prince married Jessica and they lived happily ever after.

Answer 5

Once upon a time I met Mars. While I was on pluto. We both got to talking, and realized we were the only 2 people living on another planet!
Wow how lucky we were, we didn't have to share with anyone!
But we did decide we would find us 2 sexy men, and we did just that! They R out of this world! And the planets shook!!! LOL
The end

Answer 6

...like those who dine well off the plainest dishes, he made use of humble incidents to teach great truths, and after serving up a story he adds to it the advice to do a thing or not to do it. Then, too, he was really more attached to truth than the poets are; for the latter do violence to their own stories in order to make them probable; but he by announcing a story which everyone knows not to be true, told the truth by the very fact that he did not claim to be relating real events.

And there is another charm about him, namely, that he puts animals in a pleasing light and makes them interesting to mankind. For after being brought up from childhood with these stories, and after being as it were nursed by them from babyhood, we acquire certain opinions of the several animals and think of some of them as royal animals, of others as silly, of others as witty, and others as innocent.

Answer 7

Senor Don Gato was a cat, on a high red roof, Don Gato sat. He went there to read a letter...where the reading light was better..twas a love note for Don Gato. Don Gato jumped so happily, he fell off the roof and broke his knee..broke his ribs and all his whiskers..even his solar plexus..twas the ending for Don Gato.....as the funeral passed the village square..such a smell of fish was in the air..though his burial had been slated, he became reanimated..he came back to life..Don Gato.

Not what you expected huh.

Answer 8

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful maiden, pure to the world. Then once day, the wicked Yahoo Answers lurked around the corner and sucked her into it's dark, addictive web. She remained there for eternity.
~The End

Answer 9

the huge Empty- Stone Temple Pilots Pillar Of Davidson- stay return To Innocence- Enigma desires- The Cranberries a good number of excellent ones accessible have not got a sparkling cut back renowned.

Answer 10

there once was a girl named mars. she was pretty bored. so she decided to come on to yahoo answers and ask some1 to entertain her with a story. this other girl named <3pirate was on yahoo answers at that time too. she happened to see mars' request and decided to comply. Mars' liked <3pirate's story so much that she decided to give her best answer. <3pirate was happy with the extra 10 pts and Mars was happy with her story and wasnt bored anymore.

THE END.


edit:

aww...my story suxx. you should give it to the guys above me with the long stories...they were both entertaining and now i know what a vasectomy-thing is.

Answer 11

Is it your bed time already ? Do you want to hear Cinderella, Harry Potter,or my story when I was young and hottie on my hey day,that I tumble on the hay and always falling on the wagon.