what do you think (no plagiarism please real poem )?

Question

in her face lies a beauty that is more beautiful than hope it self
the magic that runs between her hair can only be discribed, no
one can see it, it is one of the wonders that will be between her
and those who imagine but her spirit everyone knows. her heart
is made of pure gold. and her eyes, as sparkly as the rivers in
fairy tales the wonders about this princess are only hidden benieth
... benieth your very own eyes!™

Answer 1

First of all, make sure your spelling is correct as every incorrectly spelled word detracts from the reading.

When I read the first line the first time, I didn't like 'beauty' and 'beautiful' in the same line. But after reading it a couple of times, I found it worked quite well and is the best line in your poem.

'the magic that runs between her hair' is also very interesting and creates quite an image. However, the rest of the line fails to capitalize on the wonderful opening.

My usual advice is for the poet to avoid some of the more difficult words like 'spirit', 'heart', 'hope' (though you used it magnificently in your first line) which have huge connotative meanings for any and all who read your poem (a couple more of the difficult words are 'soul' and 'love'). If they "have to" be used, then follow them up with more concrete imagery.

Line breaks can also be utilized more effectively in your poem. It looks like you're trying to maintain the same line length at the expense of making effective line breaks which can help you 1) make a line stand out on its own, 2) make a reader move expectantly to the next line, or 3) act as a natural pause without a comma or period. I believe line 4 especially could benefit from a line break (depending on which portion you wished to emphasize).

'her heart / is made of pure gold' is a bit cliche though the rest of the line ends interestingly enough though I still wonder how 'sparkly' her eyes are as 'the rivers in / fairy tales' doesn't produce enough of an image. And the rest of line 6 is a bit confusing.

And personal opinion: drop line 7. It's the only reference to the reader and feels out of place.

Answer 2

I like it !!! Because I can almost picture her. May I suggest a couple changes? How about the "magic that runs through her raven hair" and "her eyes as sparkly as the rivers of the Nile"