Why is he doing this?

Question

My husband keeps denying he's cheating. He has what he calls a "top secret" job.(military) All the weekends he's been "working" really he's been going to restaurants & buying lingerie & the movies & liquor stores & says they're investigating people there! Why would the govt. make him pay for these "investigations"? He's being cold & saying I made this person up in my head & that his stories will continue to change b/c he can't tell me stuff b/c he has a clearance & I don't & that I'm going to believe what I want & that these explanations aren't going to make sense b/c I'm not supposed to know anything. I told him that if it was him that thought I was cheating & I wasn't that I'd be doing EVERYTHING in my power to prove that I wasn't. Sat. night he didn't come home til like 4am & last night he didn't come home at all i guess b/c we argued about this before he left. Why is he denying it but not trying hard to prove me wrong? (especially by staying out all night)

Answer 1

He is manipulating you. You logically know he is cheating and that he is being awful, but because of your heart he is succeeding in his manipulations. Sorry you are going through this. Men with power such as police or military often act this way. He thinks he is above you and acts accordingly. Very sad.

Answer 2

Sounds like he has watched too many movies of secret agent life. He is in a fantasy world. He can't let the two worlds be exposed. Some how he has it justified in his own mind. People do not hear things until the door slams and your gone. Then he might hear you. I doubt it though by the sounds of it. He wants his cake and eat it too. If he leaves you or admits it he is looked at as bad guy to all family and friends. When you get caught in this foolish position it is easier to keep it going then face upand he apparently can't walk away. Lie and deny to the end is a liars motto. If this relationship is something you want to save, which I think it is because you are putting up with a lot of inconsistencies and far fetched stories. Time to show him how strong you are! Sit him down and go toe to toe and then you will know. You may have to slam the door on your way out! It is time you only except the respect you deserve.Hope this helps and encourages.

Answer 3

Yes, the military spends its time "investigating" porn and hookers.

Wow - that's got to be the biggest crock of sh*t I have EVER heard.

First off, I have done clearance-level contract work for the Dept. of Defense and the FBI. If ANYONE was doing any investigating, that would be the Dept. of Justice, internal here to the US so that would be FBI or ATF. *Not* the military. He is nothing if not bold in his lying, but it *is* lying.

Come on - try to imagine this conversation at the Pentagon:

"We've got a line on that lingerie store at the mall. Terrorist activity - possible underwire explosives in the 36D 'angel' model.

"Better get our man Jenkins in there to buy some bras. While he's there, have him buy some booze and porn. We'll need him to investigate that as well. Plenty of porn. Maybe some strippers will talk if he spends hours and hours at a t*tty bar."

"Right. We'll put our best top-secret ultra covert man on it. That's the only guy who can stare at porn and t*tties all night in service to his country. What a fine American."

Come on - he's got women on the side, and his self-fulfilling stories include the "my story will keep changing" clause so he can keep twisting the lie and f*cking you over while he bangs other women and doesn't even have to remember the original lie!

50 bucks says his "top secret clearance" is a badge he got in a box of Cracker Jack and he is the night janitor at a security guard company. Dump his a s s now - you'll *NEVER* get a straight answer from this Walter Mitty.

Answer 4

I'd tell him his stories aren't making sense because they are bull ****. You should follow him one time and see what he's doing. The staying out til 4 am and all night is a sign that maybe he is. That's what my ex husband was doing and I found out he was cheating. But that was my situation. I agree with you if my husband thought I was cheating I would do everything I could to prove him I wasn't. It sounds like to me he's trying to avoid getting caught and trying to switch it around on you. I would just tell him whether it be 6 months or a year from now he'll get caught. And he will. If he is cheating it will catch up to him. So he has a choice to be a man about it and tell you or he can get caught and face the consequences which would be worse by you finding out from someone else. Just mention that to him and see what happens.

Answer 5

He's playing you like a bad hand of poker. Have someone tail him but be prepared to find out things you may not like, but atleast you'll know. Tell him you're going out and see what he says.

1) Put a keylogger on your computer and see who he's talking to.
2) Look at the credit card bills. See where he's shopping.
3) Check the phone bill see who he's calling.
4) Record the mileage on the car everyday. See how far he's driving.

Then, go there, call the numbers and see who they belong to, show him the computer log. He's then screwed.

Answer 6

You need to look after yourself. You obviously know what is going on. Take steps to ensure your own stability and move on.

Why is he denying the fooling around, but not trying to prove you wrong? because he thinks he doesn't need to. He obviously (at least to me) is not respecting you.

You need to think about you. Hopefully, you have friends, family and resources that you can access.

Bottom line ~ if he is foolish enough to think he has you convinced, so be it. The part for you to deal with is this: are you foolish enough to continue living in a situation where your boundaries are not respected? Time to move on isn't it?

Take care of yourself. Forget him.

good luck

Answer 7

I'd say WHY he's doing this if far less important than THAT he's doing it. Unless he's got a Russell Crowe "Beautiful Mind" thing going on here--in which case professional help would be called for--I would give him a couple points for creativity...and kick him out!

Answer 8

Question is "why are YOU doing this"... If you KNOW he is cheating why are you staying.

Decide if you want to forgive and move on in the marriage, but that will be hard to do if his behavior doesn't change...

To be honest this sounds like a "lifetime" movie, you know how those always end...I think I would have to leave him...

Answer 9

Your husband thinks you are a complete, guillable, idiot. It is easier to lie and make up stupid, ridilicous stories than tell you the truth. Have you ever heard the saying, "It's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission?" He doesn't care if you believe him or not - he is going to do it either way.

Answer 10

I wouldn't believe anything out of his mouth. You don't either. Get rid of that guy now because he will never ever change. He'll always "piss on your back" and try to make it look like "rain". No one is worth that!!!