The day's just beginning
You see the girl you love
You don't know what to do or say
You're friends
You talk to eachother everyday
On the phone, computer, etc
You're walking with her
Talking, laughing, having the time of your life
The sun hits ya, you smile at her she smiles at you
It's time to say goodbye
You hug and walk off
You're walking, past places where we played as kids
Later you talk to eachother
Time's ending
You say you'll see eachother tomorrow
You know what
You're in goddamn love
Is there anything else better in the world
2007-03-12 14:03:32 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
awww i love that poem! did you make it? I would love to get a poem like that!
2007-03-12 14:06:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is good, but sporatic. When you write a poem, try to stay with one central theme. For example, instead of talking about the phone chats, the walking together, ect, talk about just one. That way, the poem is easy to follow.
Free form poems are an extremely hard to do, and you have done it well. If you take out abreviations, it will flow a lot better.
Your poem is great! Keep going, poetry is an art and the more you do it, the better you get!
2007-03-12 21:09:57 · answer #2 · answered by Charlie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a problem with point of view -- "you're walking, past places where we played as kids" -- "We" should be "you" (plural).
You probably also want to eliminate the "etc." because it sort of messes with the poem's flow. (You could change that line to make up for the missing syllables by saying, "On the phone, on the computer.")
Otherwise, not bad for a first draft. You have a nice theme going there, but you might want to make a bit more inetesrting by thinking outside the box -- maybe mention what it feels like while you're in love.
2007-03-12 21:10:46 · answer #3 · answered by Chris 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not bad. It's very direct. A bit cliche. I find great poems to have meanings that transcend common culture and contemporary meanings to convey eternal truths. Everything said in this poem is obvious, which sometimes works in poetry, and I suppose works ok in this one. I'm by no means a critic, but I do write poetry occasionally. Keep writing though. I write alot of crap, it's all hit and miss. This is not a bad poem in my opinion.
2007-03-12 21:16:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a really cute poem. I would love to receive a poem like that (although i did have a guy on my bus that kept writing poems and giving them to me... i kinda thought he was creepy). I'd be a really great way to ask a girl out. BUT if y'all haven't already been going out for a while i probably wouldn't put the L word in it (assuming your going to give it to a girl) way to forward
2007-03-12 21:12:19 · answer #5 · answered by Jenni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well u are basically telling a very small but rite to the point love story of you and your best friend. I know know how you feel about her. Think it's great and yes you are right you are in love and there's is nothing else like it if the person you in love with love s you just the same. O my god it feels so good to be in love.
2007-03-12 21:18:09 · answer #6 · answered by mnmpeices 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a deep poem because people go through this every single day 5/5 Stars
2007-03-12 21:07:13 · answer #7 · answered by MJ S 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's a wonderful poem, but something just seems to be missing, idk, it just doesn't feel real. It seems so straight forward, like it doesn't exactly flow. Like the person above me said, metaphores and similes would help. Taking the whole situation of the poem may help too, but I like it.
2007-03-12 21:15:09 · answer #8 · answered by Maddi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont use On the phone, computer, etc the word ECT
2007-03-12 21:07:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
too straight-forward
nothing original that makes me think any differently of being in love
seems like a typical high-school love-sick poem
2007-03-12 21:06:14 · answer #10 · answered by Dale D 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋