Husband has been carrying on affair with a woman he's NEVER met in person - started online in chatroom & progressed to phone. She's married & lives in TN, husband is in VA. We have a severely disabled child together & it would be EXTREMELY difficult for me to raise this child alone. Husband swore after being caught first time, it was over with this woman. Two months later, I caught her leaving messages on his work voicemail. Again, he swore it was over. I stayed only because of financial security & health insurance for our child. The marriage is over & I know I'll never trust him again. A friend says I should continue to stay in the marriage for financial security for my child & me. My child would require nursing care for me to work & I've been stay-at-home mom for 16 yrs. - no employable skills. Should I stay even though I know the marriage is over & he's probably still involved with this other woman? Not interested in marriage again - taking care of child only interest.
2007-03-12 12:55:53 · 19 answers · asked by saylavie2u2 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Her husband already knows. He's the one who called me & told me about it. What I don't understand is they've NEVER even met! How can you have a "phone" relationship with someone? That's just mentally unbalanced to me.
2007-03-12 13:08:27 · update #1
My child's disabilities are lifetime, not temporary.
2007-03-12 13:12:02 · update #2
My husband is not abusive, but he's not affectionate & demonstrative with his feelings. That's what really hurts. He's admitted telling her he loves her, but he didn't mean he was in love with her. I've had to beg him to tell me he loved me for the 26 years we've been together (1 yr. dating, 25 yrs. married) & most of the time he still wouldn't say he loved me. I don't want to come across as callous or a gold-digger, I loved my husband for all those years he refused to show me any affection other than when he wanted sex. That said, I don't have a problem staying in the marriage to take care of my child. My only concern is, like some of you suggested, that he's eventually going to leave me for this other woman. Even though he swears he never had any intention of leaving me for her. He says it was nothing, they were just friends. Her voicemails told me that she thought of him as her boyfriend. He had to give her some reason for her to think of him as her boyfriend.
2007-03-12 13:25:18 · update #3
Why stay in a marriage that is over? Have him pack his stuff and leave. He will be responsible for child support and alimony.
Is have a false marriage worth the stress that you're feeling right now?
2007-03-12 12:59:38 · answer #1 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If the marriage is over and it sounds like it is, then I don't see any need to stay in a situation that will only make you miserable. However, I would take some time to develop an exit strategy.
First, I would contact a lawyer and ask some questions. Because of your daughter's disabilities and the fact that you've spent several years at home during your marriage giving her care, you may be likely to be awarded spousal support (and certainly child support) to help offset the financial burden.
Also, keep in mind that since your husband is the primary provider and currently provides health insurance for your daughter, he will most likely be ordered to continue doing so in the case of a divorce.
Second, I would contact all local social service agencies. You may be eligible for caregiver respite care for your daughter. Many of these services are provided by the state at no cost to you. This would also help ease the strain of being a semi-single parent to your daughter. Also remember that you will not be a "single" parent. Married or divorced, your husband will still be her father and will likely be awarded either joint custody or, at the very least, visitation with her.
Regardless of what you decide, I wish you the best.
2007-03-12 20:23:06 · answer #2 · answered by RMarcin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as though you two desperately need marital counseling. You say that you are staying just for your child; is this life-long care, or temporary? Have you two discussed the care of the child in question? Have you calmly (I know this is hard, trust me) discussed the long-term of your relationship with him? If you leave the marriage, you DO have options. Child support in many states does include medical care for the child, as well as available resources through Medicaid and Medicare; disability costs can also be defrayed through the offices of Medicaid and Medicare. You may also have to seriously consider going back to school (whether online or at a local college), as well as a long, hard look at long-term situation. If he is as tied to this woman as he seems, he may leave you anyway. I would recommend the counseling; in the meantime, talk to your local office of Family Services about your other options for you and your child. In this difficult time, good luck and God bless.
2007-03-12 20:07:32 · answer #3 · answered by Judy W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, first off they have nurses that can come into your home, second Social Security gives you a pretty good amount that you can care for your child and also Medicare will help with health insurance also he will have to provide insurance and if together a long time spouseal support because you have not worked but he has been the main suporter for 16 years wow.... plus child support you ought to be fine MM have you thought about changing the whos doing what let him see that you won't have a problem finding someone that he ought to quit with this girl One more thing..she is in TN and he is in VA I would not worry also listen to the messages and do to him what she is doing and make him wonder where its coming from
2007-03-12 20:02:06 · answer #4 · answered by Gina 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If there's one thing I've learned, it's this...
You're better off being alone for the rest of your life and living your life the way you want and concentrating on taking care of yourself and your own happiness than being tied to someone who's going to keep breaking your heart, crapping on your feelings, treating you like less than equal, or making you miserable in other ways.
Take care of you and your child above all else. Talk to a family/divorce lawyer about if you have a chance at getting child support out of that creep. A real man doesn't father a child and turn his back on his family like that, leaving you and your child to hang in the wind. Get your feet under you and get out of there. Talk to close friends and family to see if they could possibly help pitch in with looking after your child while you work on getting health insurance and a job.
2007-03-12 20:11:25 · answer #5 · answered by pixysnot 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to stay for now as long as you are not in any danger. Get some job training. Something that takes two years or less. Check your community colleges. Tell him you think it's time you do something to better yourself. Start working. Wait tables or find some sort of job. Days, nights, weekends, whatever! Get a P.O. Box. Get a checking account and send the mail to the P.O. Box. Get a safety deposit box. Keep track of his cell phone calls by going on line and printing the bills. Keep the bills in the safety deposit box along with any other proof of his infidelity. If you decide to leave be prepared to make it on your own 1st. You may barely be able to stand the sight of him but $$ for you and you baby comes 1st. Keep in mind going to work and school is what he does not want you to do. If you have no skills, no $$ and no self esteem he can keep you and do whatever he wants. Put yourself 1st. God bless you and always pray for him and yourself and child too.
2007-03-12 20:05:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Okay, I'm going to say something extremely unpopular.
Stay.
People have stayed for less legitimate reasons. Yours are completely legitimate reasons. Can you tolerate his behavior? What are you willing to compromise? Being in the situation isn't fair, but lets look at what is important. Your pride and happiness or the well being of your child?
A fear I have is this. He will cheat and fall in love with the tart, and then leave you. Then you will HAVE to take care of your child on your own. Perhaps stay with him long enough to come up with or set up another plan without him.
2007-03-12 20:10:48 · answer #7 · answered by Poppet 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you are a stay at home mom (and from it sounds like you need to stay at home) he will have to pay child support and spousal support. you are probably eligible for social security disability, go to your local social security office and they will give you a packet to fill out.
things will be hard, it is a big step, but you can not stay in a marriage where there is no trust You know that.
good luck, and God bless you
2007-03-12 20:06:23 · answer #8 · answered by tigweldkat 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you know what you have got to do. You caught him, more than once, this is who he is and he won't change for you or he would have already done.
I'm in the same situation, it's hard to leave, you may find every excuse in the book to believe his sad story about why he's done this more than once to you, but trust me it's just a manipulation. As hard as it is now you will get over it, you will get throug it..on your own.
My best wishes go out to you girl.
2007-03-12 20:58:50 · answer #9 · answered by MsTrust 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you devorce him he still has to pay you for the child....he can't leave you "high and dry" unless it is not his kid. and If you are staying for his money and health insurance, though those are really helpful, there are LOTS of options you can have to take care of your child. Explore your options, talk to the states welfair office, or a lawyer and find out what they can do for you and your child.
2007-03-12 20:02:33 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋