My husband and I have been married for 5 years,have 2 lovely kids and he is a great father to them.....he has in the past had an affair to which he admitted(only when I found out,after months of accusations),so we moved away from all the mess and hurt that it left,for a fresh start. Now we are living away from his family he claims he's lonely and even though I am a good mother and wife,there is something missing???.Sxx between us is great and he says that he does love me.....but I have recently found that he has been chatting to a lady in a chat room and has been to meet her(on a strictly freindship basis??!!!!!)..I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him.,.we have thought of councelling as he admits he has problem with being lonely, as I do everything for our kids and don't give him enough of my attention...... Due to our jobs we don't get a lot of time together,we don't have relatives to babysit while we work...is councelling the answer??? do leopards ever change?
2007-03-12 11:54:45 · 33 answers · asked by fooledmug 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Having both 2 kids and 2 dogs and a part time evening job is hard enough.....I have given him more time and attention as we have spoken about this before and what he feels his missing....i've started going to the gym also and changed my look to make myself more appealing to him(when he slleps,as he is a night shift worker,but he makes me feel guilty for not being at his bek and call all the time....as many of you have said(me too) that he needs to grow up and realise that when you have kids your proprities change,he is no longer the centre of my world......I want to give him another chance but am worried I am going to get hurt and be betrayed again.....he has is own work computer which I don't have access to,it was just a gut feeling(womans intuition that made me check his phone and PC),I knew I was right but he lied about it calling me paranoid!!!
Thanks to you all for your replies...I think he feels it is normal and acceptable as his father cheated and lied to his mum for years!
2007-03-12 12:50:36 · update #1
i don't really trust the meeting with the lady from the internet. i would suggest counseling. my fiance and i had a problem like this and i left him for like six months. since we have been back together...i haven't had any problems. it's probably not fisable for you to take a break like that though with two small children. try talking to him about what he is missing and try to make time to fulfill whatever it is.
2007-03-12 12:00:24 · answer #1 · answered by pamcake 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
In my opinion people stray because they are not emotionally fulfilled. Your husband has strayed becase he feels lonely even with his life partner by his side. I would encourage him to seek interests (ie not other women) outside of th relationship - join a club or take night classes.
You also need to make priority time for him. You say that you don't give him enough attention. The kids are important but so is your relationship with your husband. Why do you need relatives to babysit? Ask around - there must be other mums willing to trade or older couples that have teenage daughters that would sit for a few dollars/pounds whilst you and your husband have some time together. This is the only thing that is missing and it is time you invested in your relationship before you loose it.
You don;t need counsellling because the answer is staring you in the face. Even if it is only putting the kids to bed early once a week, swtiching off the TV, putting a nice dress on and being there for your husband - a nice meal, candles, some conversation - that is all your marriage needs - he just needs to know and be shown that you love him, still find him attractive and have some time for him.
2007-03-12 12:44:17 · answer #2 · answered by Leapling 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not over reacting. And I would say that he has managed to make you feel guilty for a situation he has created. Why have you gone out of your way to improve yourself going to the gym should be to make you feel better in yourself not to try and make him want you more. Sweetheart you are a person in your own right you are entitled to be loved for who you are be happy with what you are like. Do what you have been doing look after those kids you are not doing anything wrong.
Too often I have seen this situation he doesnt want others taking the attention away from him. I know I have an ex just like it as soon as the kids come along they go looking elsewhere, they dont want to share. They want to be treated like they are the only one in your universe and nothing else will do. Thats why he is looking via the internet its the thrill of the chase and the secrecy.
Go get yourself some happiness it will be hard at first but you and your children will in the long run be happier. He wont change but you can change your situation.
2007-03-12 13:32:37 · answer #3 · answered by BigMomma2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie no, the excuse that your husband is telling you are just an excuse because he can't find a way to com mitt adultery again. He will use being lonely away from his family, but if you really think about it,it's you and your 2 kids are his family now. The day that he said I do, that was the day that you become his family,like everyone else. It's you that's carrying this burden and hurt from his previous affair and now he is doing again and told you that only friend???? whats wrong with the picture here?
Yes you love your husband and he is using that love to make you feel guilty because you all move away from the mess that he started. I'm sorry to say this but a man that cheated their wife will always go back doing it. At least you were only married 5 years with 2 beautiful kids, mine is 22 long years and I gave him 3 beautiful kids and now their teenagers. Mine only happened 3 months ago when I caught him, he ruined my kids life and their holiday, and now they don't have respect and trust towards him, and for myself he took away my love, trust, and respect and I can't give it to him anymore. Even he wants second chances,I know one day he will do it again, so I rather prepare my kids without him in the picture before it happens again to them.
Now yours is a bit similar but you love him, but be aware on what he will do again, his going to put you and the kids on a roller coaster life again, and then what?? You can follow your heart but use your Head this time for the sake of your kids,......I hope this help,,,,,,,good luck!!
2007-03-12 12:44:28 · answer #4 · answered by islandgirl06 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no way hun you are not over-reacting at all what an egotistical *** your hubby is, you uprooted your family to put the damage of the first affair behind you and try and repair the relationship, how dare he now try and justify the "friendship" he has with the girl online by blaming you for having to bring up the children, oh poor hubby how very inconsiderate of you to start a family and actually love them, he is a childish, selfish t**t hun and no matter how much you cant imagine your life without him it would be better for you and your children to throw this prat out now, what kind of values is he instilling into your children? that is worrying, you clearly love your children very much so protect them from seeing this kind of behaviour from him, i cant believe that he actually openly taslked about this with you as if it somehow would justify his actions, i wouldnt bother with the counselling just ask him to leave and pick up the pieces slowly, it will hurt and it will take time but you will become stronger as a result, he on the other hand will be the loser because he will realise that you are not the doormat he thought, you have a job so hopefully some good friends that will help you through this difficult time, good luck you deserve so much better i wish you well.emma
2007-03-14 05:09:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lonely? He sounds like he's immature, more like. Lonely, my eye. I think that's a euphemism for not having enough women in his life. i simply would not believe he is meeting a woman he met in a chat room on a friendship basis.
He's not satisfied with you alone, how selfish can you get?
He had an affair and he's not married five years? Sorry to be blunt, but this guy is not going to change. go to counselling by all means; a former partner of mine went to counselling with
me after I had found out he was having an affair; and as in your case, after months of denial ( a woman just knows). He came on to the female counsellor at the end of session, right in front of me!
She was horrified and upset, and refused to see us again, obviously. And you can also guess, I didn't stay with him.
If he doesn't shape up, he is going to lose you and his kids. He made a committment to you in law the day he got married; if he can't keep his pants on, you have got to make some very tough decisions.
2007-03-12 12:33:19 · answer #6 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I really feel for you. I understand your position completly. First, I want to tell you how impressed I am that you were able to forgive him - I'm not sure I could even though I love my husband to death. You really need to do the counceling. Your problem is a common one. Married people honestly don't get that much time together alone - especially if both work and have children. My husband and I both work - him from home and sort of part time hours right now and me out of the home - and we only get about 2 hours a day together on weekdays. I have to say that I don't think your husbands response is a normal one. I honestly believe that you need counseling to find out why your husband feels lonley. And yes, I do believe that a man can change - but it is rare.
2007-03-12 12:01:53 · answer #7 · answered by Margaret M 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I wish I had the fore site to see what you can, before it was to late.
My Husband fell out of love with me years ago and I did not see it until he found someone else to love.(Heart rendering)
Could I have changed all that, most likely not,so I choose to let him go.
In all honesty best thing I have ever done for myself and our 2 young children, his unhappiness was causing total disruption to the whole family.
It's been 3 Months now and I look 10 years younger and now am beginning to feel it,because I am not putting myself under any more pressure to try and please him.
What I am saying sometimes we just pick the wrong partner and fail to see it because we are afraid of failure.
Ask yourself this question is it all about him or do you and your kids deserve a better and brighter future.
I don't understand why Men need women to make them happy but he is telling you that you are not the one and you need to sit up and listen for your own sanity.
Move on,but what ever you decide I hope YOU find happiness xxx
2007-03-12 22:26:16 · answer #8 · answered by live life 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Haven't you ever heard the expression"once a cheater always a cheater" If he is marries and has children how could you be lonely. And if he's chatting and meeting with women it's bound to happen again. You can try counciling, but no garentee that's gonna work. Good Luck to you! Besides if he would quit chatting with this other women and meeting with her that would give you time together wouldn't it. If he has time for that how can you two not have time with each other??
2007-03-12 12:29:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Changing external things like moving to a new place rarely works as we just take ourselves with us! I think the being lonely thing is just an excuse, if you gave him all your attention 24/7 would it still be enough? If he needs constant reassurance of his worth by cheating then he's probably insecure and needs to work on that with a councillor. Good luck :o)
2007-03-12 12:30:25 · answer #10 · answered by farleyjackmaster 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like, as you mentioned, he finds this kind of behaviour normal. I would give him a shock and tell him that you need him to move out for a while as you are finding it harder than you thought to cope with past events.The trouble is you may have taken his bad behaviour too easily, maybe for the sake of your family, but you are a person too, if he is not man enough to appriciate what he has don't let him have it, good luck.
2007-03-12 20:32:09 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋