i think i love her, but i hate being married?

Question

i'm 30, been married 1 year. we lived together for 5 years before. i knew i shouldn't get married as my feelings started to fade but i felt pressure. so stupid! i was in denial. i thought if i just got it over with everything would be fine. now my wife wants kids and i am so miserable that i don't want kids. i want nothing to do with the whole family thing. i don't even like telling people i'm married. i dont wear my ring. i dont like going out with her. i am not having an affair nor do i want to. i just want to be on my own again. instead of just talking to her i now start fights with her. we never used to fight now we can't get along. i think my weekend drinking is becoming an issue too. its my only escape. i try to tell my friends but they just think its the usual complaining about "the wife." i'm so depressed, and my wife just told me "i don't feel loved." i am trying to talk to her but cant seem to. i don't know what i'm doing. my life is falling apart.

appreciate all the answers. don't hold back, i know i am to blame here. one thing just wanted to add. shes having some health issues..not life threatening but she cant try to get pregnant until she has surgery because she'd have a miscarriage (doctor says). in one way this has bought time to talk, but the problem is i feel like this is a bad time to upset her. she has enough on her plate. but at the same time its like living a lie.

Answer 1

It's scary to be married. Everyone likes you to believe that it is this fairy tale thing, but it's not. It's reality! The best thing about relationships is that they teach us about ourselves.

You are learning that you don't know how to live with someone and still feel autonomous. That's okay. That's something that you have to learn. I'd suggest seeing a counsellor about this. Someone you can talk to who won't judge you for these feelings. Someone who may understand and be able to help. There are many positive things about marriage, but many of them come from what you make it.

Now that you've made the commitment, you need to learn how to be a husband. Try reading some books on marriage. http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-9831938-2519026?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173740362&sr=8-1

Educate yourself. Don't hang her out to dry before you understand what is troubling you. Once you figure it out, you can make an informed decision.

Answer 2

try being honest. i dont know why that is so hard for men to do with women. We usually appreciate it. If you REALLY dont love her anymore then you should tell her. Just make sure you are not going through something else and you will regret your decision later. maybe you shouldnt have gotten married in the first place. Maybe marriage isnt for you or maybe you are just uncomfortable with that level of commitment no matter who its with. You should NEVER use drugs or alcohol as an escape. Obviously youre learning that doesnt help or solve anything...its only makes things worse. Maybe you should just ask her for some space and stay with a friend or relative for a little bit...see how you feel after that. Whatever you choose, you should just be honest with her. Stop being a p@*sy and speak up. AND DONT TRY AND BLAME HER! make sure she knows there is nobody else and its not anything she did. honesty really is the best policy when it comes to the heart. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I am so sorry u feel that way.

Y didn't u talk to her b4 getting married she would have understand. U put Ur self in a hard place. How can u love her but at the same token not want to b with her.

I am going threw the same thing. My ex told me he love me, but he can't be with me. That really hurt me and made me feel like I was good enough to ****, but I wasn't good enough to marry.

I guess if he would have told me the truth from the get go. I would have looked for someone that wanted the same things I did. We lived together for 1year 1/2 after my son was Born.

Get some help 4 ur self it u that is not happy.
When I said get help it doesn't mean go with other women it means for u to find ur self. and what u really want.......

U need to come clean and tell her the truth it u. She will be heart broken, but its better now than never.

Just b there when she need u.

Answer 4

If you've only been married one year I'm sure that you're still probably paying for the wedding. It's time to come clean. Tell her what you are feeling and that you don't want to be married. I would not keep having sex with her unless you want the added problem. A woman who wants a child with her husband will get what she wants one way or another. (probably after those few beers on the weekend) You need to come clean that way you can either work through this funk that you're in or you can split on half way decent terms. It's gonna be painful but just think of the mess you'll be in if you wait until she's pregnant.

Answer 5

One thing for sure be honest with her. Maybe you two could just go back to living together. Did she know this about you before the marriage? Don't tell friends tell her, she deserves to know. I'm not sure why you feel this way but one thing is make sure you tell her how you feel. Nothing like being played the fool. Starting fights is childest so be a man about this.

Answer 6

You can try counseling, but it sounds like you already know exactly how you feel. If you care for your wife at all, even just as a person, you need to leave and end it. Read what you wrote about your feelings towards the marriage and put yourself in your wife's shoes. It would be horrible to be in a relationship with someone who truly feels as you do. It would be the best for both of you if it ends now, especially before kids come into the picture.

Answer 7

could you sit down and imagine a life without her completely? would you miss her accompany and time you spent with her? sometimes we take things for granted because they're just there for us...I know I do. you should get some counseling first and figure out what your problems are. just feeling like being single or any other change should have it's significant meanings. your attitude not wanting kids or her being around may just be the tip of the iceberg. it sounds like there is deeper problems to me though. you should figure that out first before you make the decision and lose something/someone that you may never get back! good luck!

Answer 8

Since when do 30 year olds cave under peer pressure? The longer you wait to tell her the harder it's gonna be. She is going to get this surgery because she thinks you want kids, how childish is it to pick fights instead of just telling her.? It doesn't sound like you are willing to even try harder to make it work, so you need to tuck your tail between your legs and tell her ASAP!

Answer 9

Everyone pretty much covered it but there is one thing missing:
Take some time off, go somewhere by yourself, and really think this through. Whether you end up deciding to end it or to stay, you clearly have some things to deal with to be of any use to yourself or anyone else. You need to figure out why you did this, or you'll keep doing it to yourself and others.

Sorry to sound harsh-my sympathy is with both of you. Good luck.

Answer 10

Please tell her how you are feeling. It may really hurt her, but it will be a lot less painful now than later. Imagine that she goes on with the surgery and you do have kids together! You don't want to be feeling the way you feel and have that situation arise. If you care about her--and even about yourself--then NOW is the time to tell her.