i mean, sometimes i feel like i'm beating a dead horse... i love this man, he is my husband, and he loves me, but we fight all the time, we are not nce to each other and we don't take care of each other anymore... we are very selfish... we've been married 7 years, but this has been going on for over a year and although i would give anything to get back what we had a few years ago, i feel as if its too far gone... how do i know when its time to let go?
2007-03-12 11:23:03 · 16 answers · asked by shiningstar1313 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you haven't had any children, hon, good. Kids just complicate an issue --- trying to ajdest from being the man/ and stud, and you from being the babe and sweetie, to now dad and husband and mom and housewife.....(and this is a whole 'nuther issue....)
I don't answer a ton of these, but your problem is one that I can help you with. I think marriage is respect, passion and trust, with a whole lot of lovies, consideration, putting the other first, for sure learning to communicate your wants and needs without rage or resentment, and this, from your note, is where you are stuck. It is too bad that we do not teach this in HS. It is for sure taught in college courses in counseling, and in human relations. And I recommend a book for you "The Assertive Option" And old one, but still used in communication classes simply because no one has written one better.
Briefly, what you appear to be doing is venting, and not communicating. No couple should ever fight. ...... At the end of a discussion, you ought just to be able to say that we agree to disagree. I can't give you a college course in it now, but here are a few examples" "I feel you and I will never agree on this point because...." "I need for you to understand that....." "I wish we could do......" rather than perhaps what you would like to say..... "Why are you such a jerk? Do you realize how angry I get when you...." "What the f(l)uck are you thinking when you...." "Every time you do that, are you trying to be stupid?...." Do you see the difference? No one can ever argue about your feelings, your wishes and your needs. But tempers flair when you begin to trounce on someone's ego, and nothing, of course is resolved.
How do you know it is time to say good-bye? I think if your relationship has lasted 7 years, before you both toss in the towel, try a few sessions in therapy---- not months, but a few sessions. You may indeed find that you are each in a different book, and on a different page, and that is useful too...And part of those sessions ought to include, "How to we ask for and get what we need without becoming insulting?"
Hope this helps. Be aware that this kind of thing is just the tip of the iceberg..... and counseling with a professional will help you find out if indeed too much water has gone under the bridge so to speak, or if this last year has just been a rather large snag in communications....
Good luck, hon.
2007-03-12 11:43:52 · answer #1 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried a marriage counseler. Getting your marriage back takes the two of you. If you dont take care of each other and you fight all the time do you think there is any love left. If counselling doesnt work, then maybe its time you discussed separation. Who knows this just might be the jolt you both need to get things on track. All the best
2007-03-12 18:37:30 · answer #2 · answered by itybittykitty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wish I knew if you had kid's or not? I've been married 17yrs.!together21!! have 3 kid's-We seem to constantly be in a game of winning (arguments) most of the time,I can't ever win,I wish I knew exactly when it's time to say I QUIT! but,we have history w/ these men&it's not so simple to up & leave,as when we were dating.Also,fighting here& there is normal,to a point.Guess I really don't have an exact answer,but If your IN love w/ him ,I say try working harder at not fighting back(escalade's) listen& see what happen's,if just love him because....think this through more&figure where to go from here.Hope you have family to turn to.good luck!!
2007-03-12 19:04:08 · answer #3 · answered by mgle3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's like keeping a good figure. When you're younger it comes easier, then as you age you have to work twice as hard to keep the same figure you used to have. Marriage takes constant effort. The romance won't come naturally. You have to do things to spark love...it won't happen all by itself. But here is the test of true love. Anyone can love when the infatuation runs high. But real love comes when you accept someone in all their flaws and idiosyncrasies. I kid you not that every relationship will come to the point you are at now, every one. The question and test of a persons love, loyalty and devotion is upon you and the choice you make now will be very telling of your true colors. And the same burden is upon him. True love has to be fought for and defended against the cancer of apathy that seeks to destroy every relationship. I really hope you have a wonderful success story.
2007-03-12 18:41:27 · answer #4 · answered by sickblade 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Counselling is a option but not the best one. Sometimes counselling creates problems later on in life. Both of you need to enjoy your life together maybe finding hobbies together, or an adventure together. Marriage takes a lot of work and you have to both be willing to fix it.
Good luck
Frank M
2007-03-12 18:48:29 · answer #5 · answered by Frank M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing you will need to learn to do is to stop being so selfish and self centered. You need to seek marriage counseling and help for you and for your marriage. Talk to your husband and see if he is open to marriage counseling and working on this marriage or not. I say try before giving up and make sure you keep all options open to helping your marriage first. It may not be too far gone if you seek help and want things to change and get better. Go to http://www.drphil.com and email him for help and advice in this matter.
2007-03-12 19:13:46 · answer #6 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well have you tried counseling? If so and its not working it may be time to say goodbye...but if you haven't tried counseling you need to sit your husband down and explain that you love him and you want this to work but you need help in order to do so...
If he doesn't think there is a problem or just refuses that will answer your question.
But by asking the question unfortunatley you already know your answer.
I hope you both can work this out.
2007-03-12 18:30:00 · answer #7 · answered by colie 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well I went through a rough patch with my husband I made sure to think Why i married him and his positives out weighed his neg. now think we also have pos and neg from our spouses. I felt at times WHY should I go on then there were the good times that made me think this is why i stay a marriage is always a work in progress it takes 2 people giving 100% and it has taken me 3yrs to figure this out. so if you think its worth it stay if your neg out weighs the pos RUN and free yourself .... either way make sure you are happy and just be mature about it
2007-03-12 18:58:00 · answer #8 · answered by whatstha'bizness 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and have a heart to heart. You need to do whatever you can do work out your marriage. Seriously. Like you said, you would give anything to get back what you had a few years ago, so do it.
2007-03-12 18:30:48 · answer #9 · answered by Kari R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If both of you want to repair your relationship, then it would certainly be worth trying to save your marriage. However, if either of you isn't willing to get help, then bring the curtain down. A dead horse won't plow much ground.
2007-03-12 18:38:11 · answer #10 · answered by missingora 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋