Am I a jerk if I leave her?

Question

We are not married, we have an 8 month old whom I love more than anything in the whole world. Momma and i are not happy together and argue daily. I am well educated and have a great job, make excellent money and provided the biggest house, nicest car and most expensive engagement ring to her compared to others we know. She works part time cause I finally asked her to work to make spending money since she would lay around at the house all day and not clean or make dinner during the time she was unemployed. If I kick her out she will have to move in with her parents and find a job to support herself. I have already considered child support payments which is NOT a problem at all but it breaks my heart to think of the poor living conditions she would put my daughter through until she could get on her feet without me. what should I do? I can't take trying to live with her any longer. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!

Answer 1

The two most beautiful words any good father can utter.....SOLE CUSTODY!!! Use these words and I promise she will move heaven and earth to get her act together.

Answer 2

WOW! this sounds exactly like my situation only I'm the girl. Me and my boyfriend have two little girls 18 months and 7 months. Ypou say you fight everyday but you didn't say about what. So I'm gonna guess they are small things. Maybe she is depressed from the baby. Thats how I was. I'd just stay home, not cook, no clean, just wait for my boyfriend to get home. And I always said I wanted a job so that I could get out there in the world, instead of being locked up at home with the kids. My bf threathened to leave me because we were fighting a lot about little things, too, like cleaning, jealousy, etc. So hw left for a day and I ralized I did want to be with him and i cleaned the house and now we are fine.

I think she loves you, so just make it seem real tell her you are going to leave her, leave for a couple of days and see if she changes or wants you back. I'm sure she will and things will get better. If not don't worry about it. Sometimes that person you thought you loved turns out to be something you don't want after all. And you're daughter will be fine, you can support her and I'm sure your girlfriend won't let your daughter suffer either. Best of luck to you both =)

Answer 3

No you a not a jerk for leaving her. Better to do it now while your daughter is 8 months old and can't really understand all the flighting and misery than to wait until she is 8 years old and can understand what's going on.

Parents who can't get along and fight should never stay together because of the kids - it really does more damage to us than if our parent's had just split. It was a really miserable way to grow up - my parents were always angry - I was afraid to talk to either one of them because they were always in a bad mood. I was actually jealous of my friends whose parents WERE getting divorced because at least my friends knew something was being done about the situation. Because my parents were always so miserable - I kept so much problems and questions to myself and either got into a lot of trouble - or didn't learn certain lessons I should have learned.

I know my parents thought they were doing what was right - but it was NOT right. Society makes these really "general - one size fits all" rules that everyone is supposed to follow in order to be considered: "a good person". However, most of these rules are out of date and don't fit the indiviual person's situation. Who ever says "stay together for the kids" doesn't know what's best for children and shouldn't be a parents. Sometimes the best thing in the world is for the parents to split up.

Take custody of your daughter until Momma can get on her feet. Only then can she have joint custody. Sounds like she's not a fit mother and should also get some psychiatric help. This could be post-parteum depression. If it is not, or she refuses to get help - your daughter is better off not having a mother like that help raise her. Otherwise, your daughter will grow up to become just like her mother.

Answer 4

Sorry to hear that! Well firstly if you definitely are 100% against working things out then you are going to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with her about the options that you guys have. I suggest maybe discussing it with her and letting her know that you would be willing to have her and your daughter stay there until she can get on her feet again and then move out on her own. Its sad that you will no longer live with your daughter but you may be causing just as much harm to her in the long run being together if all you guys do is fight. If you feel that the living conditions are unacceptable for your young daughter to be living in at her parents house then maybe you might consider full custody of your child. Another option is to set up a living space for her ie studio, apt. etc. and your daughter and support them for the time being until she can provide for herself.

Answer 5

If you can't work through your problems by talking or marriage counseling, then I wouldn't think you were a jerk for leaving. It would be better if you could stay together until the child is a little older, but I know sometimes things don't work that way. Maybe you should try taking custody of the child until the mother can get on her feet and just give her visiting rights and whatnot? Or maybe help her out a little?

Answer 6

Well you're not being a jerk, you're just worried because she might not end up being a good mother towards your child if she's just laying there all day doing nothing, not even making dinner or cleaning the house. If she contuies to do this, i would say leave her but give her one more chance. Everyone deserves at least two chances.

Then just go from there....if your opnion is that she wont be a good mother, then i say divorce and fight for cusdoty of your daughter so she wont be left there with the bad mother :D

Answer 7

well i have been married 16yrs and in no way is it easy to get here. Have you tried talking with her and letting her know how you feel? I believe as woman we often fall into a slight depression even though we are being provided for because we loose who we are and the goals that we once had for ourselves. that will tear ones self esteem apart.
so as much as it may be about you it is also about her and what she is going through as a woman. that being said you still can not live the way that the two of you are, thinking about your baby. I think you should separate but start to date. remember what got the two of you together to begin with. why you loved each other, what made you laugh or smile when you would see her. fall back into love with each other...for you, the mom and the baby. I'm not sure where you are at or your relationship is with the Lord but i do believe when you put him first and built your foundation on HIS words to prepare your life trials, so when a storm hits ...you will not be moved!
God bless. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

I think what you need to do is tell her the truth. tell her everything you want to do. if she still doesnt come around, go to court and try and get the baby for you. if you work all the time you get a nanny since you are pretty high in money. you could let your girlfriend see the baby every other weekend, or not see her at all. you probably love the baby more than she does anyway. and don't feel bad for whatever decision you make. if she has to live with her parents then theyll probably get tired of her being lazy and kick her out. then she'll realize she has to support her own self, who knows maybe she'll find something better for her and for you. but don't give up.

Answer 9

If you can not keep your daughter while the soon to be ex gets her life together ....you need to take the bullet and allow her to get her sh*t together WHILE under your roof(for the sake of your daughter's well being) Let her know the relationship is over and give her a deadline to get her self together and also let her know if she is unable to do so in so many months...you will file for custody of your child. Hopefully with the child support payments she will receive from you and her own employment she should be okay. I do not blame you for not staying with her for the sake of the child (I hate when people do that and it doesnt work anyway)

Answer 10

In my opinion I belive that is there is a couple that fight while being only boyfriend and girlfriend the chances of a marrige that works hapening is 20% it will to 80% it won't because you guys may not agree and that will bring you many probles and arguments. And no I say that somebody that has the guts to tell their boyfriend/girlfriend that the relationship does not work is someone who understands the resposabilities of being truthful to each other. If you don't say anything you are giving the other person falsehope that is feeding them with lies and when you both actually realize that it was wrong to continue with something that doesn't really have all the elements to contine with.

Answer 11

If counseling doesn't work, I would suggest you talk to a lawyer and seek temporary custody of your daughter being you are the soul care giver and you have a stable job and home. Once she gets on her feet then you could consider joint custody with her. That way your daughter will still grow up having both parents around.

Good Luck!