Do you like my poem?!?!?

Question

Do you like my poem? It is for English! It is suppost to be about a friendship that we value. If you like it, why? If you don't, why?


Ode- 206

So scared and alone,
No one by my side,
All alone and sad,
I hoped by night,
When the sun don’t shine;

Then you were there,
An angel in disguise,
Who was by my side,
In a time of need,
In a time of help;

You accepted no matter,
We could talk at all times,
No regard for the hour;
You assisted and guided,
In the dark of the day,
In the rain of the sun,
You were always there,
No matter the hour,

Then it happened,
So quick, so fast,
Like a feather in the wind,
You were gone forever,
That angel in disguise;

I will cherish forever,
The lessons you taught,
The love that warmed,
The ice in my heart;
I will never forget,
My angel in the wind

Answer 1

The thought is there, but I agree with faith_rider; it just doesn't flow. Word repitition can be good in literature, but I think that it's over used. There isn't really a rhyme scheme, which would help the flow. You can use free verse (no rhyming) too, but whatever it is you need to be consistent because sometimes you rhyme and sometimes you don't. Try using more imagery or more metaphors comparing your feelings.
(And Persiphone, in my opinion I disagree. Literature such as poems doesn't have to follow strict grammar rules. If "don't shine" sounds better to you, use it!)

Answer 2

It could flow a little better, but it's not bad. However when I got to "When the son don't shine", I wanted to hit you over the head with a copy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves. It should be when the sun didnt shine or when the sun doesnt shine. Don't shine is incorrect and a violation of English grammar rules.

Answer 3

Edit. Cut it in half then cut it in half again. This poem is a good idea but the other are right. It doesn't flow.

Answer 4

You should join http://www.editred.com

It's a fun writing community where you can get feedback on your work and give feedback to other writers.

Answer 5

I like it but it doesn't really flow

Answer 6

wow! i love this poem. i what a copy.