what's wrong with me?

Question

I'm 37 years old. I have finally met the great love of my life. We were married last September and he makes me so happy. We are so in love and he treats me like a queen. My problem is I'm constantly worried that I'm going to lose him. Not to another woman or anything like that. I'm scared when he has to drive to work, what if he was in a horrible accident? He smokes pretty heavily, and has since he was 9 years old, what if he gets cancer and dies on me? What would I do? I couldn't live without this man, and I wouldn't want to. He makes me so happy. Why do I constantly worry about him dying and leaving me? I know life isn't guaranteed from day to day, so I make every moment with him count. We are so happy together, and I just can't imagine my life without him now. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak because nothing this good has ever happened to me without something really bad following it. Should I see a counselor about this? Does anyone else worry about their spouses?

Answer 1

You're 37 years old. You've spent most of your life without this man, or without any man who makes you feel like you do. Chances are this is a new situation for you. It's perfect. It's what you've always wanted.

Naturally, you're going to struggle with the fear of losing it. Obviously you do not want to return to the life you had before you met this man. It's safe to say that you've been putting your life together like a puzzle for 37 years, and this man is that one peice that was always missing right in the center. Now that you have him, the puzzle is complete (or at least much closer), and if he goes away, nothing will ever take the place of that peice of the puzzle that he fills.

Right?

It's natural for you to want to hold onto someone that makes you so incredibly happy. It's wonderful that you've found someone who makes you so happy. You should consider yourself blessed.

You are self defeating yourself though. All your life bad things have happened. You EXPECT them to happen. Honestly, do you not enter most endeavors expecting the worst? Ask yourself this.

Now, ask yourself, if you enter all of those endeavors expecting the worse to happen, and only hoping for the best, did you, or did you not, somewhat sabotage yourself? Did you always do everything you could to make the best out of every situation? Or did you sometimes just.....give up, knowing the worst was to come.....so why bother trying?

Am I right?

You see...failure happens before anything even begins.

Because in your past things have always gone wrong, you expect it to again. So, you focus all your efforts worrying about what if it DOES happen again. What if he DOES leave. What if you DO lose him.

Shouldn't you, instead, be focusing on the joy of the NOW? How happy you are now?

When you worry about tomorrow, are you not taking away from the joy right now? Are you not enjoying right now even less because you can't stop thinking about tomorrow? You can't stop fearing the worst, so you can't even really enjoy the best?

Know this: You have what you have, and need to be thankful. You cannot predict the future, but you must treat today like it is precious to you, and him like he is precious to you. Do not sabotage yourself! Be positive, even if you must force it out of yourself. You fear that it might not work out, but I know, and you know, that it CAN work, if only you make it last.

"Do not fear tomorrow, for the joy of today will never come again"

Good luck. I hope it lasts forever :)

Answer 2

Yes I have felt that way. My husband drives too fast and he has a bad back and I am starting to see he is getting older.
So I decided to do something about it. I asked him to plan everything I should do if I lost him. I told him that's all I wanted for my birthday. So he put himself into the task, listing all accounts, any investments, etc. etc. (I received a beautiful diamond ring also by the way so I didn't have to twist his arm.) I don't believe that a Pollyanna mindset will make it all go away and end beautifully! I come from the Behavioristic Method and I believe in facing my fear and laying out a plan, because then my fear goes away.

Then it was time to make plans for me. I imagined how emotionally torn apart I would be without him and imagined myself to be like an older sister who was holding on to help me. I made extensive plans right down to where to move, how to sell the house and property, and even how and where to make new friends. I know I would marry again. There is only one for me. He spoils me.

When you have been together long enough or you are old enough to realize you will have to bury the other, it hurts, but push past that emotional pain. Once you have a real workable plan that involves everything from clothing and moving and finding new friends that are widowed also, you can have all your emotions back in one place and then continue to make each day count.

Face your mortality with strength and a plan. Don't assume God will make one for you. Or bank on everything coming out Sunnyside Up!

Once you feel you are prepared for the worst, the worst seems more manageable. Face it first, and then walk forward right through your panic and fear of the unknown. It's much better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Answer 3

That all sounds perfectly normal to me.

You have found your life partner, but worry that you may lose him prematurely.

However, it does sound like you may be obsessing a little too much about this premonition of the future.

Just know that the only thing that counts is right here, right now. You are fulfilled now, so you don't need to seek contentment in the future. And, certainly, you don't need to worry about a calamity in the future.

Don't allow your ego to control your thoughts to the point that they become an obsession.

Enjoy life's journey in the present by being only a witness to those obsessive thoughts, but not an active participant.

Answer 4

By all means see a counselor. Its normal to worry about your spouse but this seems all consuming. You need to focus on the here and now not on the what if's of life.It would be great if he gives up smoking to let you breathe a little easier. Congratulations and good luck

Answer 5

Worrying about losing someone you care about is normal, to a point. But this sounds like it could be developing into an obsession that could begin to take a real toll on your relationship--the last thing you want, I'm sure. There could be many reasons for this, but I think you should see someone professional to help you through this problem before it grows any worse. This seems to be far beyond something you can manage yourself. Seek help, and do it for yourself, and for your husband.

Answer 6

Serena, there's nothing "wrong" with you. But you are making a basic mistake. You're imagining the worst. That is a horrible blunder in life, because it causes you to think things and feel things and do things that are negative, which can't possibly lead you to the positive outcomes you really desire.

You need to imagine the best-case scenario, then assert to yourself that it WILL happen. This will cause you to think, feel and do positive things that will help you achieve what you want.

One positive thing you need to do is to continue expressing your true love for your husband. And mixed in with that tell him about the health benefits you expect him to have for the both of you when he quits smoking. Quitting will be VERY hard for him, so you want to do it in a positive way so as to not get on his nerves. "Honey, I expect both of us to be healthy and live long lives and that means we're going to take steps to live a healthier lifestyle." Like that.

I love it that you love him so much.

Answer 7

You seem to have a problem with anxiety. There are fairly simple ways to cope with it, i.e. take a deep breath and hold it for 10 seconds. It works for me whenever i find myself constantly worrying. Otherwise you should talk to a counselor and see if there is a program or a medication that could help you out.
But explain to him that it worries you to death when he smokes.

Answer 8

Have you spent any of your life previous to this marriage unhappy? perhaps you dont feel you deserve this happiness. I would honestly talk to a professional about it. I am not sure what I can say other than I hope the best, and dont take your happiness for granted. Sorry this probably isnt much help to you.

Answer 9

I'm a great one to talk, but fear is driving your thoughts.

Fear is not from God but from the enemy of your soul.
F...alse E....vidence A....ppearing R...eal

It can get bad enough to destroy your relationship, so relax and "let it be" with "thanks".

Depend on a greater power to take care of your love, He loves you enough to give you this man, Can you love the gift more than the giver ?

You can do nothing but savour your moments together, be thankfull, and let each day take care of itself.

Give Him to God, eventually you will have to depend on God anyway, or choose not to, in that case the trials in life will make you miserable and you will have no one of substance to turn to.

Answer 10

Some things you cannot control. You have to let those things go.

Perhaps...down the road...you will be able to convince him to give up smoking. But that will be his choice, you can't make him.

If you continue to have these worries...take a pill.