Are we a family or not?

Question

When my ex and I divorced, we told our child that we were still a family (just a family that lived apart). However, recently, someone went to take our (me, him, our child) photo at a mutual friend's event and he refused. When I asked him why, he said that we would "look like a family" and he didn't want to give the wrong impression to his wife (who wasn't there) in case she saw it. I told him that I felt as though we were a family (a family that lives apart), b/c we are our child's parents and we're our child's family. He tells me he doesn't see it that way. This is bothersome to me in that he acted this way in front of our child and it completely negates what we both told our child in the beginning. (1) Am I off base here for being upset? (2) I feel as though I have no choice but to simply say, "well that's just how he feels" - any suggested discussion points on how to explain how this impacts our child to him? or do you think it doens't affect my child?

wow! what a lot of great insight. thank you to everyone. just a few extra tidbits:
1. we learned the concept "family living apart" from a book on dealing with children of divorced parent (we didn't make this up ourselves)
2. my 6 yo child is in therapy
3. we use to participate in my child's activities, etc together (dad, child, me) until the new wife had a tantrum (per mutual friend)
4. I do respect the role the step mom plays in my sons life - I have no problems w/it; in fact I have told my son when he cries about not knowing what it's like to live w/mom and dad like other kids; that he is blessed to have two moms.
5. if my bf had kids; i wouldn't place a moritorium on his interactions with his ex
6. i do know for a fact that she is insecure since her now husband, my ex is a philanderer

Answer 1

I've got two son's 16,17 yo. from my ex and I can assure you of one thing actions speak louder than words.
You both have valid points, He's trying not to upset his current wife and stsy unified with you for your son.
Here's all you both need to do, love your child because they don't stay little long. Just be nice to each other, you guys may not be able to live together but that shouldn't effect the bussiness of raising your son.
Our son's would have loved it if their mom and I could have a working relationship. Your son needs that, that doesn't mean you have to have dinner together 4 nights a week, but just be nice to each other and stay civil to each other.
Discuss your son, and leave your personal lives out of it,unless it has a direct impact on your son.
Don't be mad if something makes him feel uncomfortable, sugeest alternatives, like after me and Billy take a picture why don't you and Billy do the same.
If you get remarried you may understand a little better, your new hubby may not like the ex with his arm around you at a party with a big sh!t eating grin on his face. And if your new hubby came home with such a picture how would you feel?
That's why you both should just keep it about the child, and not worry about appearances the fact you both can stand to be in the same zip code as each other means your already a head of damn near everyone else.

Good Luck, hope this helped

Answer 2

You've got to accept some reality here that your EX-husband is married to someone else and even though you don't care about her feelings - he does and rightly so. You wouldn't want to be treated with that kind of disrespect so don't expect other people to go through it. Your child isn't stupid. You can't continue to think that this child you had together is going to live a fairytale all their life and if you don't start letting a little reality into the child's life you and your husband will be funding some long term therapy for this child when reality does finally sink in. Understand this, you are not one family living apart, you are two separate families sharing a child. If you want to believe otherwise you had better get some counseling because that isn't the way life works after divorce.

Answer 3

I think, for you to try and act like a "family" for the sake of your child is like living in a dream land. Wake up. Your ex has his new wife - who is now his family. While you and him are both parents of your child - you are NOT a family, and never will be again. Why perpetuate this lie? The point you should be making to the child is that both his parents love him/her, and care for him/her - no matter if they are together or apart. I feel that your husband is in the right for moving on and setting his priorities straight. While his child is still his priority, YOU are not; which is how it should be if he has the new family in the works. You really have to accept that from now on, there will be two sets of "family photos"; one of you and the child (and someday perhaps your new significant other), and another of the child, your ex and his new wife. Please face this new reality; trying to pretend being something you're not will only hurt you and the child in the long run.

Answer 4

I wouldn't say you are offbase, but I think your original intentions were not realistic. If you don't live together, you are not a "family". Yes, you can both be in your childrens lives--responsible for their care, support, etc., but that doesn't make you a family living apart, as if you all were still married and he was in the military for example. You both have obligations to your children, but since you are divorced, you have no obligations (other than the children) to each other, especially since your ex is remarried.

Yes, I believe this effects your child, but I think the mistake was telling them this in the first place. Since you're divorced, your ex-husband (as well as you) have a right to move on. Your child should understand that just because you all couldn't get along doesn't imply anything about him/her, and that you both love him/her very much. Try explaining this, as well as the fact that daddy has a new wife (more children?), etc., and I'm sure he/she will grasp the concept. After all, blended families are more common than nuclear families anymore.
Best wishes!

Answer 5

You both did the best you could at the initial point of the break up to keep the stress and strain down for the child, but eventually you need to rephrase it to "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more, but we both love you and will always be your mommy and daddy." Since your husband has remarried, your child now has a step-family which could eventually include step-siblings. To me it would actually be more confusing to say the three of you are still a family (that implies you are still together, just living apart temporarily). Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 6

How upsetting! ** edit** I didn't realize it was the father that said you were not a family. I thought you were saying the photographer was saying you were not a family. That is harsh. He's probably a jerk. I guess just wish the new wife better luck, and tell your child that you both still love him, you just have a different kind of family now Definitely set dad straight before he voices his opinion in front of your child again, too.

To answer your question on whether or not it effects your child, I would definitely not confront dad in front of your child, but I would think that in your child's world, that your family is just the way it is. "It's my family, I live with my mom, my dad lives over there, that's the way it is, they love me, and that's that." As he gets older he'll realize that's not the traditional way of doing things, but as long as you love each other, he'll also realize that doesn't matter.

Good luck! and I still mean it!

Answer 7

Instead of a family that lives apart, and your ex is already married, why don't you tell you child that he just has two families. That is the reality for kids that grew up in divorced families. I did it, my children are having to do it, although it is not something that I ever wanted for them. Life at their mother's home is different than life at my home, and though we both tried in the beginning to use the same rules, punishments, rewards, etc.; it eventually fell apart, we didn't have that support and respect for each other anymore. My kids have two families.

Answer 8

You are his family, but I respect the fact that he sees how important to be all inclusive. Since he is remarried, his wife is your child's family too, like it or not. If your child sees the three of you in a photo, it could give your child false hopes that you will get back together. Next time you are all together, have someone snap a photo of the whole family. Does it bother you that it defies what you told your child, or that he didn't want to upset his wife? You might need to re-evaluate!

Answer 9

Yes, you are off base. You are divorced and he now has a wife. It wasn't right that he told you this in front of the child, but he is right, you are not a family any longer. You are a mom and he is a dad and you live separate lives.

As a new wife, wouldn't you be upset if your husband came home with a family picture that included his ex wife?

Answer 10

When my Step-children got married, there were pictures taken of them with my husband and their mother (like a family). This was okay with me because I know where I fit in. However, it was discussed with me and my feelings were taken into consideration. If someone is NOT okay with it, then those feelings should be considered. Your ex-husband was right to respect his wife's feelings. There can always be two pictures, one with Mom, and one with Dad. The child will understand that you are both there for him, but not as a couple anymore.