How can I mend my relationship with my 15 year old daughter?

Question

18 months ago she joined a bad crowd, got kinda disrespectful, lied, did some bad stuff like drinking. I could never understand, she used to be a good girl. We had to give her a somewhat severe punishment., she was grounded from almost everything for almost 2 months. She said she regretted what she did, promised she would change, aplogized but we thought she needed a lesson. After the grounding was lifted she thought everything was over. We knew she was a good girl that messed up, but we were still afraid she might join that crowd again and it took us a few months to give her our full trust again. This had a devastating effect on her, she got depressed, went through kinda bad days. She changed and is a girl we are proud of, but she lost her faith in our love, says we like scared her and could never expect we could do what we did. She says we should have accepted her word and trusted her. Today she avoids us, we like broke her spirit, she's polite but distant, we make her sad, depressed

Since she's been like that for more than a year, I'm starting to think she'll never change and I lost my girls's love and trust

Answer 1

Of course you couldn't give her your FULL trust again. She broke it and it takes a long time to regain it back. It also takes action. Both parents need to sit down with her and evaluate your relationship and ask her what it is that she wants and let her know your expectations. Before and after the meeting is over express your love for her and reassure her that you are always there for her.

Answer 2

Have you told her that at last you, an older person, and her, a teen, share a common ground? Have you told her that she made you lose trust in her so completely that you thought you'd never get it back again? Have you told her that after years of life with what you thought was a good girl, worth your trust, you were shocked to find you were mistaken and you had to find your way back? Then, she must find her way back, too. You are now proud of her again but there is no reason you would have simply trusted her based on her word - since it was the word of someone who really showed bad judgement to begin with.
If she's still depressed and feels that you broke her spirit, ask what that spirit was to begin with and where was it when she was drinking.
Sounds like she is turning the tables on you and making you feel defensive. She is 15 years old, for God's sake. Ask her if she was still drinking, would she be doing drugs too by now? Tell her those are the things that a parent worries about - if a broken spirit is what she wants to show you, she's lucky because that is all she has to show you!

Answer 3

She is giving you a guilt trip. If her behavior has changed so much in the last year, she may be doing drugs. The behavior you described is consistent with that. Kids are really smart. When I was a kid and was doing something wrong, I always acted the most indignant when I was guilty. If my mom had just accepted my word and trusted me, I would have walked all over her. If she's not doing drugs, maybe she is depressed. In which case you are not the reason. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, Trauma is caused by an event, and grounding a kid for lying and drinking for two months is hardly traumatic when you think about what you went through when she was doing it. Just wait it out, and keep an open mind. She'll respect you more later. This is an age where she is searching for autonomy anyway.

Answer 4

When I was a teen-my mom never trusted me! I never did anything! The more she distrusted me, the more I got paranoid. I found myself looking for approval in other places. She was too hard on me without reason-and I moved out at 18! I wish I didn't b/c I then went wild! Big time rebellion. I really don't know how that you can prevent any teen from making all those mistakes-unless you chain them to the bed. Just make her feel comfortable enough that she can confide in you-I never had that! Be careful with advice you give-that age-it was always griping to me-I went the opposite direction. Sorry I could not be more helpful.

Answer 5

First, I would have done the same thing. You need to sit with her and explain why you did what you did. She lost faith in your love? It's hard to say, but I'm going to say it. You lost the trust in her. In my eyes (due to where I grew up), she is old enough to make a lot of her own choices. She obviously didn't make the right ones, so she showed how immature she is and that she is not capable of making those choices. One mistake could cost her her life. What if someone had slipped something into her drink, 1) she could have been raped, 2) she could have been raped and beaten, 3) she could have been raped, beaten and left for dead somewhere, 4) she could have been raped, beaten and murderd, 5) she could have been killed just from the drug and the alcohol combination. The possibilities are endless. She was not mature enough to make that decision.

The only thing that I can think of to get her to realize that is to take her to a shelter where they cater to girld that that has happened to. Then she will realized that real parents that really lover thier children make those rules and come down hard. There are a lot of girls out there that wish they had parents that cared so much.

Good-Luck!!!

Answer 6

Part of what you're experiencing is a result of her being a teenager. It's natural for her to rebel and for your relationship with her to change, and it may just be that this particular experience made the changes more visible and pronounced.

Your daughter needs ultimately to learn that the world does not revolve around her and to respect that you were looking out for her best interests since she's a minor and not able to look out for those interests fully herself. That's a hard lesson for many teenagers, especially the closer they get to 18.

I encourage you to give her some space and time. Things will pick up again. They'll just be different because the "little girl" days are mostly gone.

Answer 7

I think its the the fact that she might have lost those friends and maybe shes lonley at school now. This is the best thing you could have done for her, maybe set her up with the school counselor, she might just need to talk to someone. I can remember how awkward and lonley 15 was. Thiswas my toughest years 15-17. So bare with her mom, she;ll get out of it someday and somehow. Just try and be loing and not judgemental towards her. She will come around.

Spend some mom and daughter time, go to the mall, get pedis and manis. Shopping, haircuts..whatever you can afford to do! this will lift her spirits !

Answer 8

Coming from a girl who lost her parents trust at a young age. For now there isn't much you can do. If she is depressed then please, take her to talk to someone that specializes in Teen Depression.

When you lose your parents trust you know you have done something very wrong. And it just shatters you inside. For now, try your best to trust her and show her that you love her. Let her know that no matter what she has done or will ever do you will not love her any less.

Let her know that she can come to you for anything to. And she won't get in trouble for coming to you for help or advice. My parents had this policy where if I needed to be picked up from somewhere they would do it anytime of day or night no questions asked.

If you have any more questions or anything feel free to contact me.

Best of luck
(I was in HS when I lost my parents trust and am now 22)

Answer 9

I wish my mom could answer this for you because I was the same way. She just stuck to her guns the whole time and followed through with all punishment with me. Is drug use involved? I highly suggest drug testing her monthly especially this day in age. When my mom drug tested me, I didn't do them because she said if I failed it- i would get my car taken away. Loss of privlages and sticking with it is my only suggestion. I am 19 now so really, it won't be long until she realizes that you were right :) hang in there... only about 2-3 more years of it. She will thank you for being consistant some day. It's a long bumpy ride, but even when she tells you she hates you on your birthday, she doesn't mean it... she wants her way!

Answer 10

First of all, punishing her made it worse. Im fifteen, and I snuck off with a guy, and my parents punished me for six months. It's a horrible thing, and atm, I can't stand being in the room with them, and any time my other is around me or my father I call them ******* idiots and I hope they die. The relationship is forever broken. I don't love my parent's anymore. And the love is never comming back. I actually moved out, and I barely even speak to them anymore. It's brrn about a week, and before that it was a month. Your daughter is a human being, and limiting her freedom is against the constitution. It pains me that anyone under the age of eighteen is denied freedom just "because".

My advice to you is to just leave her alone, respect her freedom, and MAYBE she will actually talk to you again. Because if you push on her, she isn't going to forgive you. I never did.


xxxx


Shopping, haircuts..whatever you can afford to do! this will lift her spirits !

xxx

No, it wont. She will know exactly why you are doing it. Just leave your daughter alone. Don't forever scar the relationship. Im almost sixteen, and I have two years left before I ******* leave. Im never calling my parents, again. Don't let your daughter become me. Do you honestly want to go years without speaking to your child?