How do I survive the first few years of marriage?

Question

I love both sets of parents (mine and the to-be-in-laws), but they're both scaring me senseless about how crap the first few years are. It worries me. I don't come from a rich family but I have always been happy on not on lot of money. I have nearly finished a degree and should be earning £20,000 the year we get married. My parents say that we're going to be poor and that we'll barely to be able to afford to live. If we're both on £20,000 (graduate wage) surely we can be comfortable? We're hopefully going to rent until we earn enough to buy a house, but I just want to get through married life not thinking about money all the time. It puts such a downer on things. Will we be able to go out on dates? Or holidays (even if it's camping)? And kids! How expensive are they (Even though they're made free of charge)?!

Somebody please cheer me up!

Answer 1

OK. you know what!?!? The first year for me has been awesome! Now yes, it might be hard the first few years only because you are getting used to paying the bills together and sharing everything... but doesn't that happen anyways. No way. You don't listen to one word they are saying. Marriage is great. and it will stay that way if you work hard at it. Being married isn't easy as pie, no, but if you both work hard, don't fight over stupid little things (pick your battles) and talk about what's bothering you. It will be OK. Don't worry sweetie! Being married is great.

Oh and, me and my husband both work at friggin Wal-Mart and we live just fine! We have nice things and afford to pay bills and still have play money. every so often yes the money is tight. but you just have to learn to budget. Tell your parents and your in-laws to BUT OUT!

Congratulations and good luck. Don't worry.

Answer 2

OK , I'll cheer you up, talk to happily married people, that helps, the early years are challenging, but they are also fun, if you share the same viewpoint on money, which is; while its nice, you can be happy starting slow and working your way up. You always have to think about money, married or not, and yes you can afford cheap vacations or special weekends every now and then, with planning. If you decide at the outset that Friday, (or Saturday, or whatever) is your special night you can make takeout and a DVD with popcorn fun.
Kids are expensive, and parents have expectations of how they want their children to live, so hold off on that till you are settled in and have your immediate needs fulfilled. Besides when you have kids they will be there for years and years, this time is just for your and your husband and so you should enjoy it. Don't think of budgeting as a downer, think of it as a positive so money problems don't sneak up and make you miserable, keeping a handle on expenses is how you afford those camping trips and homes of your own.
Live on less than you make, and you will never have a problem.

Answer 3

You have a right to be scared. Marriage has a lot of ups and downs and financial worries are a big part of it. Total up what your expenses should be(heat, electric, phone, water, internet service, rent, car payment, insurance, medical expenses, fuel for car, maintenance on car, clothing allowance, household necessities, food) and divide the monthly cost by 4.33(weekly average over one years period). This will give you an idea of what you will need per week to live. Always add another 25% to the weekly cost to offset anything else that may pop up that you don't budget for. Don't even consider having kids right away until you have a bit of a stable financial life. They will be very expensive to raise and you must prepare yourselves for the added expense. They will also change your social life drastically so spend the first years getting to know each other better first. Your intimacy with your husband will definitely be affected by adding children to the family so give yourselves a chance to enjoy each other's company for a little while. If you are both young there is plenty of time. Keep in mind that you will find each other's good qualities and bad ones though out the first five years so be prepared. No one is perfect and you shouldn't expect them to be. If you take the time and use plenty of patience you will be able to make your lives memorable. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Your parents and future in laws are only looking out for you and your boyfriends"s best interest. $40,000.00 a years is enough to get by with a few luxuries in life as long as there are no children too soon into the marriage. Having children will mean large amount of expenses including child care if you were to decide to continue to work. Of course if you were to stay at home to care for your child, then this would cut your yearly income in half. All things considered, it is good you are concerned about how much it costs now a days just to be able to live a comfortable life. Best advice would be to not get married until you both have enough to afford a home, and have some savings for unexpected expenses. A lot of couples with good financial planning, hard work and determination have been able to over come financial difficulties that can and will arise in most all marriages through out the years. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Well, my husband and I are in our 3rd year of marriage and we're not the richest people in the world, but we have way more $$ than our parents had at our age. As long as you plan your finances right, you should be ok. We also have 2 small children, so if we've survived this far, I think we'll be ok in the long run. Every week I have $100 taken from my checking (where my paycheck is deposited) and put into my savings. It's gone from my checking before I can even have a chance to miss it. Of course, it'll be hard b/c you've gotta add finances on top of making a marriage work, but it's certainly not the end of the world! Listen to what your parents tell you and see where they are today. That should give you hope more than despair. We all go thru it, but survive at the same time. Neither myself nor my husband have college degrees, but we work hard and plan for any major purchases as they arise. I think a big problem that young couples get sucked into is they put all the big purchases on credit cards which then you end up paying way more than what the item is worth. If you can't afford it to begin w/, then don't put it on a credit card! Save up. My husband and I go on monthly dates to keep the romance alive. The main issue we have is not the cost of the date, but just trying to find a babysitter that's available! We know we won't be poor forever, but we make do while we can and I am a bargain shopper, so that really helps to keep the cash flowing in our favor. Yes, we live paycheck-to-paycheck, but we love our family and make do w/ what we have. BTW, try www.craigslist.com for people who are selling used items for cheap! (I've furnished 1/2 of my house from there and we even just got a free dog thanks to that website!) Good luck and don't fret! You're not the only one that is going thru this!

Answer 6

I don't know how that money compares to money needed to live in Britain, but I say, who cares? I loved my first few years of marriage (well, I loved them all, still do). And, yes, financial problems can cause friction, especially if you both don't have identical spending/saving habits. If one of you, say, likes to eat out often, while the other is content to cook at home, then you will have more troubles. You need to work through the finances together, so that both people are aware of the exact monetary situation, and make the necessary adjustments. But there are thousands of things you can do, both at home and on holiday, that are relatively inexpensive. Focus on being together rather than on what you're doing.

Kids are another matter, and you DEFINITELY need to sit and try to make serious financial analysis of whether or not you can afford to keep a child. Try to talk to other couples with a child/children to see how much it really costs, because I've heard that no matter how much you plan, they end up costing more than you think.

Lastly, don't let your parents' projections of their own problems affect your feelings. Just because they had a hard time doesn't mean you will--every couple has different issues to work through, and different ways of coping the inevitable stress of life.

EDIT: DO NOT get any books by Dr. Laura. She routinely blames women for all of the problems in marriages, as if it were entirely the woman's responsibility to handle all of the emotional, financial, and practical management of a marriage. She is blatantly sexist, and has no business giving relationship advice to anyone.

Answer 7

You should be able to get by with both of you working. Yes the first few years can be difficult. You are leaning how to live (happily) with another person. There will be dirty socks on the floor, toilet seat left up...but it is worth it. My husband and I decided when we got married (money was tight at first) that we wouldn't argue over something we didn't have.

Kids are very expensive, but worth every penny. You should wait to have kids when you are financially secure. A year or two and things will be totally differently for the two of you

Answer 8

Don't let them get you down, they're just trying to warn you that the "early" years are tough financially. You'll be fine, some of the best years of my marriage were the early broke ones! Our weekends consisted of renting movies and Chinese takeout (less than $20), and we had a blast! If anything, I think marriage is harder and gets more complicated when you start earning more money and move on the next steps (buying a house, kids, etc). So please don't let it affect this happy time for you, the money situation will work itself out. Congrats and good luck!

Answer 9

If you both are very serious about marriage and you both know what you want from your careers and also confident on living expenses etc...i would ignore the advice given. It may honestly be difficult, but who cares? If you are together and want things to work out and you'll both be making decent money; I wouldn't worry. Think of it this way; there are millions of people who aren't married and barely making it; what's the difference between getting married or not? =) Good luck and stand your ground!!

Answer 10

It sounds like both sets of parents didn't plan very well before they got married. You and your husband should be able to live comfortably and not worry about money all the time. However, all the money in the world can't make you and your husband happy. It takes love and understanding.