Support or abort?

Question

My husband has been chasing his career for a long time, over 10 years, except he isn't any good at what he has chosen to do. He has spent much money and time pursuing this.

His family, my family, our neighbors and others in his field all know he will never make it doing what he wants to do. It negatively affects our marriage because this "career" is all consuming to him and it is his first priority, which puts me and our marriage down the list.

His contention with me is that I am not supportive. He says that my job as his wife is to support him in achieveing his dreams and goals.

What the heck am I supposed to do? I feel he is right in some ways, but I also feel like he is missing opportunities to do things he is very good at rather than chase this impossible dream. I am very frustrated and could use some help trying to get through to him my view, but also to assist him to see the light that what he has worked so hard at just isn't in the cards for him.

Thanks.

To clarify, he's been chasing this for 10 years, but we have only been married for three.

Also, I have suggested counseling a number of times. He doesn't - like many men - feel there is a need, or he plainly doesn't want to attend. I could go myself, but I suppose I haven't gotten to that point yet.

Answer 1

Your husband needs your support. Who are you to decide what his career should be? It will be a lot harder for him to succeed at anything with you telling him he can't do it.

The answer to your question is support, however if you can't be supportive of him, you should leave and let him follow his dreams.

Answer 2

People don't put enough effort into goal-oriented conversations sometimes. You would do well to have such a conversation with your husband. Tell him you are willing to give him your wholehearted support IF he is willing to set a deadline for success within his chosen career and promise to stick to it. In the course of this conversation, define "success." Put a dollar amount on it: x income over such-and-such a period of time. If he meets this goal, you will have to accept that this will be his career forevermore, so make sure the goal you set for success is acceptable to you.

On the other hand, he must come to the understanding, in the course of this conversation, that if he fails to meet you two's agreed-upon definition of success, despite your full support, that he then has to give up his career, turn it into an avocation, and get a new career that makes money. Agree on all the terms, write them down, both of you sign it, and then put it away until the test period comes to an end. At that point, pull it back out. He will know whether or not he can continue in his chosen career, and if he has any honor, he will follow the terms of the agreement he signed.

Answer 3

You can't force him to see what he doesn't want to see. There has to be reasons why he won't give up that dream. Find those reasons and you might be able to work things out. I'm sure he knows he isn't going to make it. Or maybe he doesn't but needs to hear it from the professionals in that fiels. Here's an idea...Find an excuse to send him to a conference or expo in that field. If his dream job doesn't have something along those lines, send him to spend a day at a company that deals with his career. Maybe if he hears it from his peers rather than people he thinks don't know what they are talking about he'll understand. Good luck.

Answer 4

You two need to set down and talk. with no interruptions. Show him the math. Show him how much money he's missed out on chasing a dream. Maybe he can do it part time, while keeping other full time employment. Show him where others in this profession, with his amount of time spent trying to there, where their at, financially.
I'm a firm believer in finding something you'd do for nothing then figure out a way to make money at it. I've been an Investigator for a long time, but have worked lots of other jobs, waiting for the one I have now. I've worked as a bouncer, bodyguard, corrections, painter, manager, mental health security aide, security officer.
I now work for an atty. as his staff investigator, but I would never let my family suffer waiting on this job.

Hope this helps

Answer 5

Your job as his wife is to be supportive, he's right about that. You should be supportive of a realistic dream not a pipe dream. You've been supportive for 10 years now it's time for him to admit he's not going to make it. It is hard to give up on something you truly want to do, but, I think it's well past time for him to move on. Tell him you are willing to give him six more months to make it and then he's got to admit it's not going to happen and try something else. If he's not willing to do that I don't know what you can do to make him. Then you'll have to decide if the marriage is worth it.

Answer 6

He needs a wake up call from someone other than you. Have a friend or family member tell him he's not going to make it, or go to counselling together and let the counseler tell him that its been 10 years and it just ain't gonna happen.

Sometimes when women give men criticism of any kind, all they hear is "nagging" and not being supportive. However, if someone else tells them, its like a light bulb goes off in their heads and they understand.

Answer 7

You have been supportive for 10 years. Explain to him the opportunities that have passed him by due to his commitment to this as well as how your marriage is suffering. It may be his dream but it's becoming your nightmare. After this many years, if it's still causing problems between you 2 and is still going nowhere he needs to make a choice. I'd have to give him an ultimatum.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

First of all, being a wife is not a job, it is a desire.
But, yes, having your spouse's support is important. Explain to your husband that you do support him, you want the best for him, you want him to be successful. Tell him he has great skills in other areas where he may be missing opportunities.
Tell him also that this obsession is straining the marriage. It's going to be difficult, he will be offended, but you have to keep trying! Good luck!

Answer 9

Tell him its his job as a husband to make a living and have a happy home, and you aren't happy watching him beat his head against a wall. Its not a wife job to be supportive when hes given it his best shot and still come up short, then its her job to tell him she knows how hard hes worked, but its just not playing into his strong suits. Then suggest a career counselor.

Answer 10

Sounds like you have been supporting him to the point that your exhausted. If he's putting his career before his marriage, sounds like he will continue you so until proven otherwise. I highly suggest couples therapy. Some professional help and someone telling him how this is affecting his future in regards to his marriage may get him to wake up.

Goodluck!