what to do with a 16 year old runaway?

Question

ok here i go, 7 years ago my stepchildren came to live with us after their mom passed away. one is great, the other who is now 16 has been a living nightmere. let me start by saying mom let them do whatever they wanted. this child smoked at age 6, started fires, stoled, and terrized other kids. we tried to get control, seeked out help, etc. but this child would have none of it. it is either his way or he will spend a lifetime making u suffer. he is in the system and is right now in detention. problem is they don't no what to do with him. they tried foster treatment where in one he had sex with one of the adults there (he was 14) then the next he terriozed the young children, he also ran away when he did not get his way (same as home) then they tried a 30 day high adventure program where he did not parcipate and at best managed to start trouble with other youths, upon returning home from there he thought he had us where he wanted us and that we would give in so he would not run away,

the judge gave him a 5:30 curfew and a whole list of other rules. that was not going to happen so he ran away he was gone for 3 months, he has now told the probation officer that if he is sent home he will run. we found out that he was staying with a maternal aunt who he wants us to sign guardinship to bcause in his words she loves him bcause she lets him dress to express (he wants to look like hitler) and on other days he wants to look like ??????? dont no what is called. but aunt is ok with his tatoos of hitler stuff, quater size holes in his ears, cutting words in his arms, etc. the courts main concern is that he is safe, going to school and not on the streets. as is ours. we are all on the same page that he can't live with aunt. sadly, at our wits end we felt that the court should not give into his demands. his game is to reek havoc where ever he goes they keep moving him around and he is sure they will cave and let him go where he wants. anyone out there have a thought i can use

we have no boot camps and the court would not agree to that, can't find a boarding school that takes kids with behavioral issues like his. we had him tested by 4 drs and they say he is anti social and conduct disorder. as long as he is on probation it is up to the court. but it seems that all they do makes it worse and sends him the wrong message

alot of advice about boot camps and boarding school, tell me where are these places?
i have a wonderful home and yes we spend quailty time with the kids. since they have lived with us we have been on vacation every year, we have dinner together every night, dad and younger son are on bowling league, we have game night and are very invovled woth education.. i agree that parents tend to leave kids to take care of themselves and then dish out punishments when the kid slips. but that is not the case here. this kid ran once when i told him he needed to brush his teeth (after 5 days) b4 he could go out. the rules he was given by the court are not rules or punishments i would have used. but i can't change that he put himself in that situation. my feeling right now is that he should be sent home and yes he will run away but at least he won't be ruining other peoples lives. i think he needs to fall hard

Answer 1

My own son, who is now 17 and my step daughter 20 had kinda the same problems, but not to that extreme. So I truly do know how you feel. The systems beats you down, your kids beats you down, damned either way you turn. The system holds you accountable and then threatens prosecution for defending yourself.I may get some hate mail over this, but if his aunt's willing do it, at least to get a lil break. I would also find out when he's considered an adult, and make sure his things are packed on his birthday, if you've done the counsel ling, juvenile justice, social services, then you just do what you've got to do. And don't worry about others, because their going to talk no matter what.

Answer 2

Courts do not cave into these people, only to the rich and powerful. I see him as one of two types of people: one who was hurt so drastically when his Mom died that he can't handle the pain, and is acting out in all of these attention-getting ways. The other is that there are some people who truly are born as bad seeds, like Ted Bundy, and Charles Manson for example. I wish I could recommend something for you to do. A thought is for you to contact a lawyer who has a free, 1/2 consultation policy. And call the police to see what rights you have if he comes there and causes trouble. I will hope for you, and him. P.S. Where is his Dad in all of this?!?!? Maybe that's the missing piece?

Answer 3

First let me say that I feel your pain. My brother was the same as your step-child. I've included a link to my side of his story, it is not nearly as detailed as yours but some of the things I left out, you mentioned some of them. I list it only to let you know that you are not alone.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=An5d3wUe0kw1q0XcbDMnETHsy6IX?qid=20061112184731AAW7PRC

Okay he has been diagnosed with anti-social and conduct disorder, and he shows signs of cutting. You can get him in a group psychiatric home to help treat these problems. Look for a home that is level 4+. the + means lock down.

Really he may get to the point were you just have to let go and sadly give up. He wants to be who he is, fine, lets see what he does with his life. Most likely he will end up in prison for murder or manslaughter. Maybe then he will come to his senses like my brother (not in prison for murder but something just as bad). If you end up with the give up tactic, this is a no turning back maneuver. It means you never food, cloth, shelter, or give money to him EVER. It is the ultimate form of tough love and only to be done in the most extreme of cases.

Answer 4

At 16, he's old enough to be accountable for his actions. In some states, you can file incorrigibility charges (not sure exactly what it's called) with the courts, and the authorities will remove him from your home and put him in a state facility. Maybe when he gets a taste of that life for a while, he'll appreciate home.

Answer 5

Put the little brat out in the real world or beat the crap out of the spoiled little snot .Boot camp would be a good place for him. If he wont's to be all that then let him go to the ignorant ants let her deal with it.

Answer 6

I would have to ask what you guys all do as a family. do you all go out and do things together as a family unit? do you stay at home on weeknights and have dinner together? I have seen a few of my friends ignore their kids and think they can just take care of themselves , but then have problems because they are so busy punishing the kids they never do spend any quality time with them. at 16 he's probably in that " i don't care" stage and doesn't want to be around the family all that much anymore. I kept my kids involved in sports and scouts. I made my kids go with us on family outings even when they didn't want to. they would tell you they didn't want to , but in the long run, it made us a closer family for it. If you send him to counseling, I suggest all of you going for his sake.

my daughter wanted to dress as some of her peers in school, you know the ol 'everything black' deal. Black nails, hair etc... I ignored this and took her with us to the mountains just like she was,(looking like the living dead) she finally got tired of looking dead i guess, it wore off...I didn't say" take that off"! oh but i felt like it. some things just run their course. she still went climbing even though she looked like a vampire climbing a mountain. I just made her go with us to do family things. she laughs about it now and is glad we made her do this stuff with us as a family. yeah i could've stayed home and punished her but where would that have got me?

Answer 7

i dont know where u live but my sis in law works with boys like this... the boys are from all the the usa. so i know its not a in state thing. natchez trace youth center... look it up on web site. just type in name of center and do a search. it will pull up... good luck

Answer 8

Sometimes you have to let go. It sounds like he needs to make a really bad decision that ends up with him in jail or hurt, before he can make any good decisions.

Answer 9

Send him to boot camp for a few months...trust me, he will be a different child when he gets home.

Answer 10

if he is still acting the same have him placed back in detention. he may learn or he may not but it sounds like you have done as much as you can for him... best of luck