Co-worker (friend) lost twins at 6 months along?

Question

I'd like to send flowers from my husband and I, but am not sure what to say. I'm sure that the office will send flowers too, but I like to send them on my own as well. What should my card say? She lost them due to an infection, it was her or the babies.

Answer 1

It is always hard to know what to say when someone loses a baby/pregnancy. As someone who suffered repeated miscarriages I could probably give you a list of things *not* to say; what you should say/do is let her know how sorry you are for your loss, and offer to be there for her if she needs you, in whatever capacity she needs you to be. Clearly, you are a good friend and your wishes are sincere -- she will know that. Offering to be there acknowledges her pain and allows her to talk about it....if she wants....and to be left alone about it, if that's what she wants. It's fine, too, if you acknowledge that you don't know what she's going through and so don't know what to say or how to help her. (Similarly, if you do have personal experience with this, it's okay to let her know that, too -- but that can be dangerous ground because you don't want to belittle what she's going through. In other words: if you lost a baby at 6 months, too, she should know that, but if you have a friend who's sister lost a baby at 6 weeks, don't try to compare the two situations. Not that a loss at 6 weeks isn't terrible, it's just that, to the person who had just had a loss at 6 months, it's not going to sound/seem/feel comparable.)

What you don't want to do is say anything along the lines of "you can always try again" or "you can always have more children." Or say anything along the lines of this being nature's way, or god's way, of saying these children shouldn't have been born, or, frankly, anything about this being "god's will" (unless she is an extremely religious person and you *know* she would take comfort from that). Also, don't tell her that you understand.

That you want to say something is wonderful. As I said before, I could probably write a list of things NOT to say -- and on message boards all over you'll find such lists compiled by women who have had miscarriages and absolutely cringed at the well intentioned but completely insensitive things that people said to them. BUT, probably the worst thing, when you've been through something like that, is having someone say nothing at all.

Your friend may not want to talk about this now, or for a long time. Or maybe ever. But she will be happy to know you're there for her, and she's lucky to have such a good friend.

Answer 2

That is a very sad situation, and I am glad you came on here for advice... the worst thing you can say is don't worry you can have more, I lost a baby at 7 months, and I wanted to die when someone would say that to me because that is th last thing you are thinking about when you lose a child, all you can think about is what just happened. If you guys are pretty close, and you have time to go there... that would be the best thing, and just let her talk about it if she wants to... I know some people do not want to discuss it; However, that might be all she needs. For the flowers though, I would say just say I am very sorry for your losses... and sometimes it helps to reassure people that they are still their parents, and they will always be with you. She has a long journey ahead of her, and only time can help her... She was 6 months that was not a miscarriage, she lost her children, and it is the hardest thing in the world! She is going to need a lot of support, and you seem like a great person to help her! I wish you all the best!

This poem really helped me... maybe it can help her
What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'


But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.


I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.


My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."


So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.


So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

Author Unknown

Answer 3

I think you should definitely send flowers, and what the card says isn't as important as what it means that you sent the flowers in the first place. You just have to keep in mind that nothing anyone says is going to make her feel better, she lost her twin babies, and she probably feels guilty that she had to choose between her life or theirs. When you lose children, born or during pregnancy...it's a terrible experience, and it is going to be a long grieving period for her. Just let her know that you are sorry for her loss- that no one should have to go through what she is dealing with right now, and let her know that you'll be there for her when/if she needs your support. She might feel alone, but she's not...as long as she has good friends/co-workers standing behind her. It can often be scary to be around someone who has experienced a loss like this...because people don't know what is okay to say and what could make that person sad. But as long as your heart is in the right place...your efforts will be appreciated, and will help her on the journey to recovering.

Answer 4

That's sad and something everyone finds hard to respond too. Having lost a son at 5 months i know how hard it is and how uncomfortable people feel when talking to you. Its very nice that you want to let this friend know that you are thinking of her at this time. I would just say to her whatever you feel you want to say, I'm sure she will appreciate the thought. If you still find it hard i would suggest you say something along the lines of.

My thoughts and heart are with you at this most difficult of times. There are no words that are fitting enough to express what i want to say but just know that as your friend whatever you need i am here for you. A shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A hand to hold. Sincerely you friend _______ .

Answer 5

Just say, " I am incredibly sorry for your lose." That pretty much sums it up. You don't have to go into anything long or wax poetic.

Please do not say, " Every thing happens for a reason." Or God has a reason for everything. That may be true, but its not what she wants to hear right now. Its almost like saying. Its a good thing your kids died. Most people mean well when they say things like that but usually, people who have not gone through a similar situation don't understand how terrible something like that sounds.

Answer 6

First off, I am very sorry for your friend, on the loss of her babies.

Second, I would just offer my condolences, and maybe put your number there and tell her to call if she needs anything or if she ever needs to talk. Avoid telling her she can try again, or it was for the "best", or they're in a better place, etc. While some of that may be true, it is not the thing to say to a grieving parent who lost a part of them ; their child. Good luck with this, and remember, keep it simple while letting her know you are thinking of her.

Answer 7

I am so sorry for your friend! We had a similar situation at my office, but it was one baby and not two. We sent a card, along with a gift certificate to our local florist/greenhouse/nursery, so the family could buy a plant or tree to put in their yard as a memorial.

Let her know how sorry you are, and that you are thinking of her, and available if she needs anything. Sometimes it helps to know there are people who are just willing to listen to you yell or cry...

Answer 8

There is never anyone to blame when a miscarriage occurs.

Yes, send her flowers. Don't send any card that has a pic of a baby on it.

Say: "I am sorry for your loss".

If you visit her, and have children, do NOT bring your children with you. It is a very painful thing to look at children after a miscarriage, especially that far along.

Answer 9

Oh wow. That is hard. Um I would say something with condolences. Maybe something blank and then you could write something from you on it. Its hard I had a family member that lost twins at 5 months. So all you can do is try and be there for them if they need you.

Answer 10

You can also ask the florist. I'm sure they have sent flowers many times in cases like these. Ususally it is "sorry for your loss", but maybe they have heard something different that sounds nice.