How do you know if you are spoiling a baby?

Question

I need some help before I kill my spouse! We have a six month old baby who was colic and is not anymore. He spent time in the NICU at birth and was very sick with immature lungs, he is fine now. Just some background.
My spouse thinks I am spoiling him and every time the baby acks up it is my fault. I am sick of it!
My thought is that babies usually cry for a need and i want to nourish that need and figure it out, not ignore it and wait for it to go away. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

Nope, you can't spoil a baby.

Ask your husband how long he'd stay married to you if half the time he spoke you ignored him completely.

Human contact is a NEED for babies, they can not develop, and may die without it. Food is a need. Sleep is a need. The right temperature is a need. A dry diaper is a need. Interaction is a need. A baby can NOT manipulate you, they are not capable of it.

And everytime I hear someone say "If you respond when your baby cries they are going to expect it" I say so? Do you not expect a response when you speak? Or cry? Or scream?

Pick up your baby, care for your baby, and love your baby. You're doing a great job. At a certain point instinct will tell you to let your baby try to sort things out for himself, but that will be when your baby (and to a degree you) are ready.

EVERY TIME I start trying to do something because I "should" or because a book says so, I end up regretting it. I tried using a certain no-cry sleep method. Then nobody was sleeping and I almost lost it. Then recently I was fed up, my toddler wouldn't nap and I had some work that had to get done. Rather than let him wander around the livingroom I let him cry in his crib. Now he won't sleep in there anymore. Eventually I will get him back in there, but not by force.

Ignore your husband. I ignore mine everytime he says I should wean my son. I know what is right. And I know he finds breastmilk gross, for whatever reason. That isn't my problem, it's his.

Read this:
"Our first obstacle to overcome was our professional past. We were educated in the sixties and seventies, so we were victims of the prevailing parenting mindset of the times -- fear of spoiling. We entered parenthood believing it was mandatory to control our children, lest they control us. And there was that horrible fear of being manipulated. Were we losing control? Was Hayden manipulating us? We consulted books, a useless exercise. No baby book contained a chapter on Hayden. And the mostly male authors were either beyond childrearing age or seemed far removed from the trenches of everyday baby tending. Yet here we were, two experienced adults, whose lives were being taken over by a ten-pound infant.

A child psychologist friend who was visiting us commented on Hayden's cry: "My her cry is impressive. She doesn't cry in an angry, demanding way but in an expectant way, as if she knew she would be heard."

Hayden caused us to reevaluate our job description as parents. We had always thought an effective parent needed to be in constant control. Then we realized that mindset was self-defeating. It assumes that there is an adversarial relationship between parent and child: the baby is "out to get you," so you better get her first. Hayden made us realize our role was not to control her. It was to manage her, and to help her learn to control herself.

Our job as parents was not to change Hayden into a behavioral clone of every other baby. It would have been wrong to try to change her. (How dull the world would be if all babies acted the same!) It was better to widen our expectations and accept her the way she was, not the way we wished she was. Our parental role was like that of a gardener: we couldn't change the color of the flower or the day when it would bloom, but we could pull the weeds and prune the plant so it blossomed more beautifully. Our role was to channel Hayden's behavior and nurture her special qualities so that instead of being a liability these temperament traits would later work to her advantage and serve her well. "
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050200.asp

Answer 2

You are right to want to 'nourish that need and figure it out'! You cannot 'spoil' a baby at this age.

The baby cries for it's basic needs - which include being held - and cannot manipulate situations to it's own advantage. It can't even concieve of manipulating situations. All it knows at this stage is that something is wrong and the only thing that it can do is cry about it. Babies who's needs are met become happy toddlers. Babies who's needs are not met become unhappy needy toddlers. Simple as that!

Cuddle that baby as much as you can - he'll be running off and wiping your kisses away soon enough...

Answer 3

At six months, a baby isn't capable of acting up. They need you to take care of them, because they can't do it for themselves, and can't tell you what they need. Babies do cry for lots of reasons. They may be hungry, wet , hot, cold, lonely, bored, etc. You are not spoiling your baby by responding to his cries. I have a hunch your husband might feel like his own needs aren't being met right now. It's tempting to say he is a grown-up, and the baby should come first. Especially after all you have been through with the baby, but you probably have been so consumed with being a mom, that the wife part has taken the back seat. Your husband probably misses you, and might feel a little resentful toward the baby, for taking so much of your time and energy. If you focus more of your time on your husband (when the baby is asleep or grandma is watching him), you will find your husband will be much more tolerant of the time you do spend caring for your son. He will also be more helpful to you, if he feels loved by you. I know this sounds unfair to you, but it works, and by giving a little more to your husband, you will get much more in return. Good luck!

Answer 4

I think you know you're spoiling a baby when you walk away from it and it cries right away because it's worried. A baby needs to have confidence that you will return, plus this puts a lot of pressure on a parent.

That said, one thing to try for the colic is to wrap your baby and shush it. Babies have been in a womb a long time, and aren't used to moving around too much. Most people give them too much freedom of movement, which they find unsettling because they're not used to moving their limbs too much yet. Just make sure to wrap your baby using the right fabrics for the season and that you do not cover the head or face.

The shushing is the same principle, babies don't like quiet, because the womb is loud when you're inside it(like your heartbeat and so forth). So often it can just be too quiet for a baby, another thing to try is a sound machine for babies that mimics heartbeats.

Both of these may help with your baby's stress.

I've put a link below that tells you these and a couple other things to help calm a baby.

Answer 5

No, you are not wrong. Your instincts are perfectly correct. Babies CAN'T manipulate, they don't know how. Have your husband read up on Erikson's theory; it describes how a baby's first year is spent on developing trust in you, dad, him/herself, and others. By responding to your baby, you are teaching him that he has an influence on his environment and will be responded to by a person he can trust. Ignoring it fosters mistrust, a battered self-esteem, and sometimes stunts a baby's development. Too much energy spent on not having their needs met will hinder how much energy they can spend on other things, like learning how to sit up, or crawl, or just being content.

Your husband needs a reality check. Do some research and have him sit down and read it.

Answer 6

Tell him that babies whose needs are taken care of right away are less likely to cry than those who are not take care of that way. Because they know you will come and comfort them they cry less. Babies do cry and sometimes act up but at this age you are not spoiling him to respond to his needs.

Answer 7

what you are doing is a good thing ...it's called attachment parenting wich has lot's of benefits for your baby...he or she will be
* more trusting
*feel more competent
*grows better
*establishes healthy indipendence
* learns intimacy
etc...in one study researchers observed observed to sets of parents and their children group A was securely attached, the product of responsive parenting. group B babies were parented in a more restrained way: put on schedules, and given less intuitive and nurturante responses to their cues these babies were followedfor at least a year. wich group do you think eventually turned out more independent??/ answer group A............... well i must say ( i got this from my book you should get it ' the baby book by docter sears" it rules! and i did it with my son as well and he is super independent now entertains himself good, so there is nothing wrong with it at all, you cant spoil a baby by responding to him he knows you are there and he has less to be scared of! builts confidence! sometimes men drive me nuts with t heir dumb oppinions lol

Answer 8

Firstly You cannot spoil a baby by holding him/her.
Babies cry for these reasons
1) tired
2) hungry
3) dirty diaper
4) too cold / hot
5) scared / lonely
When your baby cries see if they are wet or dirty
feel their skin is it too cold / hot
has it been a while since fed?
You can not spoil a baby by holding him or her too much. just make sure you hold your hubby too. ( no I don't mean just s## ) cuddle hold his hand.
If the baby seems to cry uncontrollably check with your doctor and remember trust your instincts.

Answer 9

NO.....

You will NEVER spoil a baby by picking it up.

That is an outdated, IMPROPER, childrearing technique.

Do not ignore that baby. Responding to the baby's cries is a way the baby learns to TRUST their parents.

Go pick him up right now! :)

Answer 10

crying helps babies develop their lungs and help them from getting asthma (sp?) later on in life....make sure that they are dry, not hungry, and have been comforted....if all these are met and they are still crying...let them be...sometimes babies just need to get it out....just like us...crying makes us feel better when we are done....