Need marital Advice?

Question

This is a very long story. I am married to a physically and verbally abusive man. We have been together for 4 years, have a 3 yr old son. I finally got a job, against his will, and now am smitten with my co worker, with whom things have already gotten physical. Im lying to the co worker about the status of my relationship, and am completely omitting anything to my husband. Im coflicted and confused, because my husband isnt always violent. PLease help me.

Answer 1

So you are abusive too, according to what you write.

That's right, lying and cheating are also abusive behaviors, period.

I'm certainly not saying your husband is a saint, so don't think I am. However, his behavior doesn't justify you returning one type of abuse with another.

First, fix your own behavior, this at work relationship is not helpful. I'm sure it feels good, that you are smitten. But those feelings will fade after a while when you are no longer awash in those feel good hormones and endorphins once you have to live day to day life.

Instead, I would focus my energy on looking at my contribution to my bad marriage. Even if it's just why did I pick such a loser guy.

Why?

Do you want to pick another loser guy?

Make sure you are healthy and whole first, that you've done everything possible to have a great marriage with your husband. If and only if a professional, unbiased counselor says your husband is bad news, then you can cut him from the team.

Then, take some time for yourself. Be confident that you can live without a partner for several years before you jump back into marriage.

A new love right now, while it may feel good, will just delay your growth and possibly end up being more hurtful in the long run than doing the work you probably need to do right now.

Answer 2

Honesty is always the best policy for you and your mate as well as the other person. This will only escalate into a situation far worse than it is now. Please consider your safety first and do it over the phone and make sure that your in a safe place with your child. The hardest thing is the issues that will arise because I assume he is the father of the child and if you have no documented proof of the abuse then it could be worse for the child as he is a reflection of both of you. The child's safety is first and foremost and then yours and break the news end it and move on and don't allow any other person take advantage of you. If you let them they will, be strong for your child that's most important not what your co-workers or your lover thinks . Good luck and be safe look into county services that protect battered women and they will help you a safe place.

Answer 3

With all my heart I want to tell you....GET A DIVORCE!!!!!.
Please please..Do it slowly and quietly. PLEASE.
1) Put the second relationship on hold. If you get caught ( lord help you)
2) Get some F U money in a NEW bank account. DO NOT have your statements sent to your home. Most banks (citibank, WASU) can do online statements. Nothing should go to your house STRESS THAT!!!!. or just use a friends address.
3) Look for a place for you and your child to live. Again cell bills and other thing that can get you caught do it online or change the address.
4) once you have everything together...GET THE HELL OUT.
5) Serve divorce paper, and child support paper. Have a PO box in a different town for the child support checks. let the court handle the visit rights. NEVER GO ALONE!!!( he will be pissed with a smile)
6) DO NOT let him know were you LIVE. he will be sweet but can be a dangerous stalker. Please your child life could be on the line.

Please understand..love him from a distance..cus Love should never hurt like that. Think about OJ!!! same thing

PS Resume your relationship with the other person AFTER your life is together.

Answer 4

I hate to say it but you need to leave your husband if he doesn't seek help. No woman deserves to have hand put on her. If your husband isn't willing to get help then you should get you and your child away from him. It doesn't matter that he isn't violent all the time. One day he will seriously hurt you.
You have to be honest with your co-worker. If you start off with a lie it may bite you in the end. He may really fall for you and once he finds out what the status of your relationship is.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

First, stop being physical with your co-worker. You should look for a different job and remove yourself from that temptation. Second, start telling the truth, always. Third, work on your relationship with your husband. Calmly tell him you are not going to tolerate even one more instance of physical abuse, and that the next time he hurts you, you will call the police. Then, follow through. Always remain calm and take the moral high ground. Finally, get into counseling with the goal of improving yourself and building your self-esteem and communication skills.

Answer 6

Ditch the husband - now. Get a divorce. I've been with my wife for 6 years, and believe me, I've felt like slamming her up against the wall a dozen times, but never - not ever - have I raised a hand to her in anger. And I never, ever will. She treats me with the same respect, despite the fact that she's felt like hitting me in the head with a tire iron PLENTY of times. There is no excuse - NONE - for physical abuse.

That being said, I've never really understood what is meant by the expression "verbally abusive," I mean, come ON! People fight, and when they fight, they say things that they don't really mean. It's mean, hateful, etc., but it's a fact of life. Where do you draw the line? When does plain old "fighting" become "verbal abuse?"

Anyhow, got off on a tangent there - sorry. As far as your extracurricular activities with your coworker, that's bad on a number of different levels, and you should cut out that crap IMMEDIATELY.

First of all, marriage is sacred, and even if you don't respect your spouse, at least respect the institution (and yourself). There's no excuse for adultery, just like there's no excuse for physical abuse. You're still married. So act like it.

Second, even if you separate from your husband, you'll still be technically married until the decree is issued. In most states, that means any shenanigans will constitute adultery, which can be brought up at a divorce proceeding. You love your son, right? You'd want custody of him, right? You don't want adultery to be on the judge's mind when he/she is deciding custody.

Third, there are a couple of cliches that apply to the situation. "Don't fish off the company pier" for one, and "never **** where you eat," for another. Getting involved with a coworker is almost NEVER a good idea. It could endanger your job, and his job. So cut it out, or get a different job.

Fourth, the "relationship" with your coworker is doomed. He's new, he's exciting, you're hot for each other, blah blah blah. It's an illusion, and you're fooling yourself if you think that it'll succeed long-term. In reality, your liason with him is a function of you running away from your problems at home. He offers an "escape" from the difficulties of your current situation. As soon as you get your problems under control, that relationship's significance will diminish drastically. "Relationship-hopping" is unhealthy. One or the both of you (you and the coworker) will wind up heartbroken. So face up to your problems, and go about the business at hand - the right way.

My advice: call a lawyer, divorce the abusive husband, and cut things off with your coworker - permanently. If you can't bring yourself to stop fooling around with him, get a different job.

Answer 7

Your husband may not Always be violent, but obviously his abuse has pushed you away from him. You've done the first step and got a job, and even though I don't think another relationship with someone else is the answer, if it helps you move on from your abusive husband, then so be it. You need to strongly consider leaving your husband, and take your son with you.

Answer 8

Well, since you haven't left him yet, I'd say your pretty much following the path you chose. It's only gonna get worse. Get out of both relationships, take your child and start a new life...try concentrating on your child for a while.

Answer 9

Stop lying before you get hurt or even killed. Jealously is a powerful thing. Try and leave him, go someplace safe for you and your child. Get a restrainiung order on your husband if you can. And instead of leraving one relationship for another spend some time with yourself and get some help for you because you might need it.

Answer 10

You need to be honest with your co-worker and be honest with your husband. The best way to do that is to separate from your husband (he'll know how you feel by that I am sure) and then tell your co-worker the truth. If you husband is violent you need to do this in a way that protects your son and yourself. I wouldn't mention your co-worker to your husband--that could get ugly.