For Step Parents...Is it ever the same in a step family...?

Question

that children become adjusted compared with the original family, do they react normally, do they live normal lives...is the relationship between the step parent the same as with the biological parents, is the relationship between the father/mother/child - step parent/father/mother/child the same - as in sharing time with the step parent and child between the parent and new step parent the same as with a life with biological parents and child - sharing activities, being together raising and teaching the child, setting examples - life issues teaching the child...sharing activities the same...or is it like half a life without the deep connection between the child and his biological parents together...serious questions I know...but I am trying to get a feel for this because my ex just announced an engagement to her boyfriend that she was hiding out for months...help

Answer 1

My husband had two boys and I had two boys(who live with us) when we met. We have one son together who is 2 1/2. I think we have done really well with our family because all 5 boys call each other brothers (not step, not half). The only problem we have had in the relationship is HIS ex-wife because she labels all the children (step, half) while we don't. All the boys are treated equally for holidays, etc like they all live here full-time. My boys look up to my husband as their father because he is the only one here for them. He treats them like his own and wants to adopt them. I think it is harder for me because his two boys are not here all the time and are babied by their mother even though they are 8 and 9 years old. I think it is tougher for the non-custodial parent to adjust to a step-family situation because they might not like the new step-parent who lives with the children to be called mom or dad. That is tough because the children do not realize that it is their father who doesn't live with them that is supporting them too. There are both ups and downs but I think it is better to focus on the good things that can come out of extended families and like the other people said, do not say anything negative about the new step-parent because the kids have their own issues to deal with without having to deal with the adult problems.

Answer 2

I was a step-child and I am in a step situation.
Every family, everyone is different. When it came to me, I had and still have that father, daughter relationship with my step-Dad. My step-mom and I were not close at all, she passed away 3 yrs ago.

Step-families are hard. The parents have to be a team in order to get some sort of balance in the home. Each child is different, some are more open and adapt well to a new person in their family, while others resent it.

There is nothing wrong with adding another member to family. As I always put it, there's a mom and a dad, and anything after that is similiar to an addition on to the house. It's not to replace a room but to add on. Just like a step-mother or a step-father is not to replace a parent but to be an additional supportive loving person in a child's life.

Answer 3

That's deep. Step-families get a lot of bad press. Biological families are way overrated.

All families have relationship issues. It all depends on each family. There are bonding issues even with biological parents and children just like step relationships. You would think it would be harder to raise a step child, but that is not necessarily true. It all depends on the kind of home the parent was brought up in.

Answer 4

We're also a blended family - my dd (6y/o) haves a great relationship with my hubby, he's not her bio-dad, but he's daddy on every other account, even got a tattoo with her name. He loves her like his own child and wants to adopt her, once she's older - we want her to decide about this, she knows, that he isn't her bio-dad, but it doesn't matter to her, either.

Her bio-dad isn't in the picture, never visited her in the last 3 years, we split up when DD was 18 months old, he never paid CS - but he haves enough to do to get his ducks back in a row (gamble-addiction, violence, alcohol /drugs and the like).

We're a normal family, ex can see DD on a 1 week-notice under our supervision, but never did so far.

I guess, the role of a step-parent is defined by the relationship the kids have with the absent bio-parent - if the absent bio-parent is caring and involved and all, a step-parent might be a valuable adult friend, but won't replace the bio-parent.
Well, if the absent bio-parent isn't involved, children will reach out for a substitute and that is often the step-parent.

That's at least my personal experience.

Answer 5

I have two step-children, ages 15 & 10. They rarely talk to me unless it's to ask where their dad is, or what's for dinner. I'm sure their mother has a lot to do with this but our house is in turmoil the ten days out of the month they are there. I have two children, 4 & 11, and they treat my husband like they really love him. Of course, they are with him all the time and my 4 year calls him "step dad". She said he is her super hero.

I'm sure all families are different, and it's really up to the parents as to how their children will accept the other person. Don't bad mouth the new step parent, and better yet, don't say anything about them at all. It will only hurt all those involved.

Answer 6

It can never be compeletly 100% the same. Once the parents file for divorce, that is done. One thing you CAN hope for is that your ex has found a person that will be good to your children and will allow a good relationship to continue between you and your kids. My new husband accepts my children as they are. He loves them and does what he can to help create a bond that is different from what they have with their father. Do not let your relationship suffer because of her new husband. Keep up what ever schedule you have with the kids. Keep your ears open to anything that might be off with the new person, but don't pry and make the kids think it's wrong to like this new person. Be there for your kids.

Answer 7

I have an adopted daughter from my first marriage and 3 step daughters from my current marriage. It's not the same. The step parent is always an outsider. The kids NEVER let you forget you're not the 'real' parent.
Your kids aren't going to forget about you. Demand your visitation rights and don't let her move to far away. Expect to hear a LOT of stuff, from the kids about the new guy. Listen to them, and if anything really worries you, get help.

Answer 8

I strongly suggest you get some counseling....it'll help you to deal with all the changes and the apprehension you have about this situation.

I'm from a big blended family (9 children) and it wasn't always easy at first but we all turned out fine. The parents have to be mature and grown-up enough to always do what's best for the children.

Answer 9

The relationship between a stepparent and child may not necessarily be the same as between the biological parent and child, but can be a fulfilling and enriching one, providing the stepparent is a mature individual and not a control freak.

Answer 10

That depends a lot on the people.
I have seen step parents that love step children like their own.
Then I have also seen the opposite.