How can I overcome stubbornness and rebelliousness on my part within my marriage?

Question

For the most part my husband and I have a fairly healthy relationship... no talks about divorce anyways. We could work on intimacy but that's a whole different question. When we do get into arguments I get very stubborn, (as does he), but I also get very rebellious and spiteful. If what he's arguing with me about is the laundry I won't do the laundry for days. And the word "Idiot" comes out of my mouth A LOT while we argue. NOW - I am not saying that it's all me... he has a big problem with compromising and he yells the entire time we argue while I very honestly do try to keep the tone down. BUT I know that if I were able to stop "pushing his buttons" and being spiteful we could probably accomplish SOMETHING with our arguing. How can I overcome this?!

Please don't tell me to "GROW UP"... this is not a constructive, helpful suggestion.

Not sure if this applies but I have always been this way... its roots are w/ my dad.

I expect an answer from you "The Sylvan Wizard" - give it to me..

Answer 1

Ange,.......Here I am! LOL!

Well, now that we both have a good "feel" for each other and have pretty much climbed the mountain of understanding what we are about, let me share this further.

#1. When L.B. is going TDY, you both need to sit down and draw up some rules and address this while you both are calm and not arguing and lovey-dovey.

Tell him he needs to recognize that he changes when he leaves and then comes busting through the doors fresh off the Tarmac like a man possessed. He needs to declassify himself and leave his crew leadership at the base and become your Husband and Daddy before he enters that door. IF he needs to go have a beer with the fellas or something, then tell him to do so, but, the thing is, the worse time to enter into an issue is when either is not feeling well, is stressed, or already aggravated by something.

#2. For yourself Ange, ...you need to work on recognizing when you get angry and when talking becomes anger or takes you to an unhappy level and place. Know how to set boundaries with yourself, and recognize when you are getting close to the edge and then STOP! Back off. Call TIME -OUT!
No matter what he says,.....tell him you need to cool off. He may want to finish or continue, but, he might take your lead and recognize that it's the healthiest thing to do.

If you got this from your Dad, this doesn't make it good. Of course we live what we learn, but, your Dad is a man and you are the Mother to a Baby Girl. Besides, Stress kills or damn near does. When I used to live in the land of stress, I had a 4-way Open Heart surgery at 32 y/o. Imagine that, you are a mere 7 years from that, and your Hubby is probably a little closer.

#3. Set up a "lets getaway from here" plan for when he comes back from TDY or on regular intervals. If you both have been stressed, you both need a time-out, and nothing better than going out for a nice romantic Dinner and just unwinding. You can address the laundry later for whomever has an issue. You need these rendevue times, and it's best that they take place when you both need it the most, and you both know when that is.

#4. Remind your Hubby that yes, he is Uncle Sam's Nephew 24/7 but, also your Husband 24/7. So, tell him to be a good Airman - Crew Chief at work, and be a good Husband and Dad when off duty. He needs to learn to separate the 2 and not mix them to the point he is not coping in either area because of the other.

#5. You both have a lot going for you. Neither dare wants to get so angry that they say something so hurtful that they will regret it. It's weird but true, how 1 very mean and hurtful thing can wipe out a 1000 loving words and acts of love. Anger and meaness has strong powers, although Love is stronger,....always let the love and it's cousins, respect, honor, kindness, patience, understanding, harmony , etc. have the floor and allow them to do their good works.

#6. COMMUNICATION - is key!! Be able to sit down and talk things out BEFORE they become a problem. You both have to allow for time to cultivate your marriage. Don't address things when they become an issue, but, before they become an issue. This is probably the main root of things and he wants to only see things from his POV and you want to see things from your POV, and this is where you both need to share eachother's shoes.

There is no winning in arguments. Both people lose. All arguing does is exhaust energy and bring in disharmony into the home. It's just a manifested reality of a problem that would be better handled across the table with a nice glass of wine or beverage of you choice and some "Chill music".

Of course, as I shared with you before. If there is any way either or both of you have any religious convictions, you need to bring this into your marriage and home. If anything happened to you or your Hubby, or the Baby, .....I am sure that is the first entity that you would turn to and would in dark hours of uncertatinty. Don't wait to need God to call on him. We need him everyday IMHO.

Anyway; I hope this helps, other than that, don't hesitate to contact me if you would like some more feedback ANYTIME if my views you find helpful.

Take care Ange! God Bless you, and you can do it!

J.M. - The Sylvan Wizard

Answer 2

Wow! This is like a confession from my wife! Except she doesn't 'withhold' laundry or anything - she keeps on doing it to prove some point (not sure what that is!) So what I have here is how it relates to my situation, which seems very similar.

The problem here isn't a marriage/argument thing so much as it is just a deep personality trait of the individual (YOU!)...(well, and HIM!)

I see many are saying "read this" and "do this" and "listen to this"...I can say - and I think you would say the same thing - that that is just not going to happen, however great of an idea it is in theory. That would mean changing your whole personality.

My wife knows how to push MY buttons, knowing full well that she's going to piss me off enough to start yelling, at which point she chimes in with "I'm right here! You don't have to YELL! Why do you always have to yell?"

Would I like her to NOT do that? Would I like for her not to hold on to every stupid misunderstanding EVER, even if I thought we had long ago resolved the issue?

SURE! Is that going to happen? No...she is how she is, I am how I am. That's the way it's always been.

Personally, I long ago decided (and have encouraged her to accept the same conclusion) that "You're an insane *****, and I'm a dick."

I hope this helps...even though it probably doesn't!

Answer 3

I will tell you to grow up, and I'll not say that I'm kidding. What you describe is childish behavior.

Perhaps he is behaving badly too, but you have no control over his behavior, only your own.

With that said, and I do hope you are still reading, what are you hoping to accomplish? You mention more intimacy. Do you think that your stubborn behavior is helping or hurting?

I'll ask the Dr. Phil question, "How is that working for you?"

So, how do I hang something constructive on the grow up comment? By describing HOW to grow up. It's not all about you anymore. You are married. Children are selfish and spiteful. Mature adults look long term to see if their behavior is how they want to act and accomplishing good things in their relationships.

So, the first thing you have to do is figure out how to recognize when you are going down your path of childish behavior. It's best if you can recognize it, so you can stop.

There is nothing wrong with giving your husband permission to point it out. Not to lord it over you, but because you really want to change.

So if you are acting this way, then maybe he could say something like, I see "Evil Ann" or "All About Me" is here with us today. Give your childish persona a name and he can acknowledge her presence.

This is a cue for you to stop and examine your behavior.

He is not allowed to make judgments either, just comment on the presence of the selfish, rebellious person.

When he brings this to your attention, or you bring it to your own attention (which you should be able to do with some practice) you then have to consciously change your behavior.

You have in your mind and idea of the behavior you want to display and begin working towards that. Perhaps you role play this behavior in advance, before you get into a disagreement.

It may seem silly at first, but you have to practice this in order for it to eventually come more natural.

Just like everything else you learned when growing up, this too will be awkward at first, but you will get better.

You see, the answer "Grow Up" is a pretty good one, when you actually make a plan to examine the childish behavior and seek to replace it with more loving, mature, and less selfish behavior.

Answer 4

When you feel the urge to say the word idiot, bite your tongue. Name calling doesnt really help that much. My husband likes to yell for the duration of the argument as well, I have started staring into space and every so often I ask if he is done and ready to talk to me, if he keeps yelling i keep staring. The only thing that does is piss him off, LOL, but at least I know I am not the one arguing with him(sad but true). If you cant talk to each other and make the arguments into minor disagreements, try writing down what annoys you, have him read it, write his suggestions down(or vise versa). When you can come to a "written" agreement over the laundry or what ever then talk...Might help keep the volume down. Good Luck

Answer 5

I used to have the exact same issue. My boyfriend and I are both very competitive and stubborn (probably me even more so than him), so when we had a disagreement, it would sometimes get really ugly. We finally realized how detrimental this all was to our relationship and made a few rules to follow about arguing.

I think it's extremely important to give yourself a little time to calm down before talking it out. Whenever you have a disagreement, give yourself 10-15 minutes to calm down and identify why you're upset. Try to focus on how you feel instead of what he did wrong. Once you're both calmed down a little, then tell him how you feel. Avoid any yelling and name calling (especially in front of your child). Talk it out until both of you have talked about the issue, why it made you upset, and how to make it better. If either one of you fail to completely speak your mind, it WILL eventually come up again.

It really is all about control. I know it's hard to back down at times, but sometimes it really comes down to "which is more important, winning this argument or my marriage?" Relationships take constant work and compromise, but when it's good, it is so worth it.

Good luck!

Answer 6

In a marriage there is alot of compromising involved and we must learn to humble ourselves. If the two of you are communicating regularly and respecting eachother by listnening attententively rather than while the other is talking thinking of a rebutal the arguments will lessen and you will realize that being a little more submissive goes a long way. The bible gives alot of insight on all situations that we come against in life and it has the answer to ALL of your problems.

Answer 7

Honestly? I suggest reading Dr. Laura's book, 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. I also suggest BOTH of you read her book, 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage'.

Ther question for you is, how much longer do you want to stay married? Because with your behavior, it won't be for much longer. You as the woman have the power to change your husband's reaction, responses and behavior towards you by making simple adjustments to your behavior. We show love in the greatest way by giving it when it is the absolute hardest to give. The best way to show you love your husband is to grab him and hug and kiss him when he is being his most obstinate or yelling. The best way to stop pushing buttons is to just STOP! There is no voodoo or magic here. It is as simple as that.

If you are serious about wanting to change your marriage and your relationship then I urge you to read those books, put her pointers to work and you will be amazed at the transformation in your man and how good it makes you feel to know that you hold all the power to make your relationship a healthy and wonderful one!

Answer 8

geez you got a messed up relationship a man should never yell at his women and neither should you that said girl you need to grow up just kidding you dont overcome stubbornness and rebelliousness you suppress it until it leads to divorce; besides your husbands or your man no matter how you call him needs to acknowledge you hon. gosh, im sounding like a health profession either that or a feminist btw ur a sweet heart always thinking of better the relationship i like that in a women and im only half your age..you have a great life tell him that and be gentle hell usually follow through men are like that. a little nurnishement from momme is all a man needs to replace his mother

Answer 9

Would you like to be maried with a person that calls you "idiot" every time you argue?

Would you like for your husband to call you names when arguing over -ehem- laundry???????

Would you like for your husband to stop paying the bills so he can get back at you?

You are destroying your marriage. You have a severe comunication problem and you need to fix it. Yes, you can communicate without using foul language, yelling and screaming. You want his attention but you are getting negative attention, with is poison to a relationship.

Try to communicate ina posite, constructive way. It's not worth having a month long argument over LAUNDRY, calling your spouse an idiot and making hism miserable. Yous husband is NOT a child and you cannot emasculate him and disrespect him over laundry. There are bigger problems to argue about sometjing as simple as that. How are yougoing to handle severe problems if yoru are spilling all the beans over somethis as simple as that?

I suggest for you to go to therapy -alone- to solve your issues about your dad and you. You have to learn to compromise and argue in a civilized way. There are several self help books that can help you improve yoru communication skills.

Good luck

Answer 10

Let's understand this: you know what you're doing, yet you won't stop doing it, and you want somebody to tell you how to overcome it; but you don't want to be told to grow up. Not only are you a stubborn, rebellious little girl; but you are a serious control freak (because of your own insecurities) and if you keep it up, you're going to lose your husband. Play your games while you can, because it's not going to last.