I was divorced 11 years ago and I just put on a wedding for my daughter. When I divorced my x-wife insisted on doing it the hard way with lots of drama. She left me and pressed charges of domestic violence she had a boy friend (next door neighbor) the charges were thrown out, to say the least my x wife try's to get her way through the power of allegations. During the wedding she was as nice as pie and even asked me to dance with her (BTW she's single again) I keep my distance, I don't even make eye contact with her. Just 6 Months ago she told my oldest daughter that I was having adult relations in front of our 12 year old.
Now she believes I was being rude and immature by avoiding her the entire wedding. She simply pretended nothing was wrong by her past behavior and my actions were based on protecting myself from her outragous behavior & allegations. This is not about forgiveness, I believe I have, it's about avoiding someone who has caused a great deal on problems for me & family
2007-03-12 00:55:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
My question is: She drops these God aweful bombs in peoples life, then plays pretend that nothing happened, I just can't find it within myself to play the game, and I'm sure she views this as me being rude.
what do you think?
2007-03-12 00:57:30 · update #1
No one is perfect as everybody knows, but in this case it sounds like your x-wife is a fairly serious problem. I identify all too closely with your situation and find it quite frustrating and painful.
In my experience - which is more important to me at this stage than a theory - it is very difficult to reform the kind of behavior you have described. For this reason it can be quite harmful. It ties up and obstructs positive behavior, positive interactions, creative social activity, healthy emotions and good instincts. You have to spend too much time worrying about what to do with such a person. She's hurting you personally and socially.
Most of us want and even need to forgive in order to clear the energy of an unhealthy entanglement out of our systems. But in some cases straightforward forgiveness only licences the person to keep repeating the same negative and even damaging patterns over and over. I think you are right to try to avoid her at this point. It would be better to strengthen yourself elsewhere. You have to be strong in order to expel the depth of this particular entanglement.
I feel she does not know how to behave and does not know how to be alone. Her own moral backbone is too weak and lacks independence. So she is caught up in compulsive blaming and transference of her own serious behavioral problems onto others. She needs others in order to transfer this fear, anger, weakness, etc.
Even if you wanted to help her, it seems to me that you are not in the position to help. Help cannot be generalized. Real help has to be concrete, specific, real and effective. Getting this help is on her. And you have been through enough already. So close proximity only inflames the old, complex wound. Trying to help or 'heal' another, who does not really want to be helped deep inside, can waste many years of your life. It's a terrible fact in many cases. But it is the law of life.
For now I think you should get free of the situation decisively and recover yourself as fully as possible. In this case forgiveness can be risky because you are not in a good enough position to help cultivate the forgiveness. It would probably just backfire. It seems that she is too split.
In the end only you will be able to truly make these judgement calls. But the impression you have given - which wrenched me emotionally - is that it would not be easy for you to assist your x-wife in making the changes in her behavior that she needs to make ASAP.
If you cannot get free entirely for any reason, forgiveness remains risky because of her tendency to make false allegations. It is more important for you to learn how to protect yourself from these allegations and the way they can damage your ability to function and enjoy the society around you.
You have to stay on your toes and never let down your guard with her.
B. Lyons
2007-03-12 02:10:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems as if she needs an reality check .She is lonely,rude,self centered,and needs some medical attention! You are right stay away from her and explain this to the kids am pretty sure they all ready see she has issues.Don't let up set you because life is too short and you don't want to live your life always wondering what she is going to do next.And I applaude you for trowing your daughters wedding it's good to know that there are some fathers out there that would do for there kids and are in there lives! God Bless you.
2007-03-12 08:12:36 · answer #2 · answered by AMBRASIA C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is this way, believe me others have seen it also., and they know how she is. You are doing the right thing to stay away from her, and if you want to see your daughter that is your business and your daughter being old enough and mature enough to get married can make the distinction between you and her, and I am sure that your daughter has seen her in action. Sounds like she is a total B- - - - with ALL capital letters. (ex-wife)
2007-03-12 08:20:45 · answer #3 · answered by Ex Head 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find a way that you can be civil, but no more than that, in situations where you must interact with her. Do not bad mouth her to your kids, family, or friends beyond something like "that's the way she sees her world". Trust people who are close to you to sort out fact from fiction. Lies like having sex in front of the kids can be met without heat with "You know that's not the way I would behave." People will recognize her drama queen characteristics..
2007-03-12 08:11:45 · answer #4 · answered by DrB 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really isn't worth the time or energy it takes to concern yourself with her opinons one way or another. Really, who cares what she thinks, or for that matter what she says? People who know you won't believe her, people who don't like you will believe what they like, and people who don't know you just won't care either way. If push comes to shove, I think I'd likely tell her she was welcome to think I was rude, she's welcome to think whatever she likes and will anyway. It's not so much a matter of forgiving or forgetting- it's just a matter of really not feeling she's worth the energy it takes to care about her opinion or her. So far as how you behave around her, cool and distant make perfect sense to me. How she chooses to interpret it, well that's up to her. I wouldn't let her goad you into a reply or behavior change one way or the other. I believe the Chinese call it killing with silence- and it's not a bad way to go in some cases, this one being a good example of one.
2007-03-12 08:10:33 · answer #5 · answered by The mom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She sounds like a person I would want to avoid...I think that she wants to make you the bad guy in the situation. Kinda like I may have cheated on him but look at the horrible things he does! She's trying to justify her own wrong doings....you're smart for steering clear.
2007-03-12 08:00:11 · answer #6 · answered by getrd2go 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
have as little contact as possible with her and don't get involved in any drama or talk crap. she's a beeeeoootch
2007-03-12 08:01:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋