wife has chosen another?

Question

my wife 2 months ago told me she was in love with another man. I did not ask her to leave because i knew we had been apart a lot and had past problems that were never properly dealt with so i thought work on self and us would help fix it. I deployed again and was working on self. She had said she had not made any decisions before i left but refused to go to counseling. I have been asking her questions never giving her the ultimatum and last night after she sent me poem from 4 months ago, that the last line said basically she did not want to be my wife anymore. I asked her last night what do you want and she said to be with the other guy. I said if him then no me. We have a 3 year old and said well you will be in life because of her. Yes because of her but i dont want to be her friend. She says she still loves me and thinks I am a great person, just not in love with me. I am out but how do you move on from this. I still love her. and want to see baby a lot. Deployed as well.

we have been married 7 yeas. Have had trouble from the start. had lots of sex in college then after married very little i was missing intimacy so got on line and went to pay site, and paied for basically intenet sex. I was wrong and appologized and did not do it for 5-6 years. She has never really forgiven men. i think i never really did either, and that is why i could not open up my feelings to her as much because i felt the guilt of what i had done. I have been a good man and good husband i think or tried. I made a mistake not foricng the couseling issue, well we both did because of fear. fear also stopped me from opening up to her. I love her but she loves another no option but to let her go.

i have been doing self work and asking her to go to counseling for the past 2 months. I asked what she wants and she said to be with him. I can not change it. i want to but cannot

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear this. There's not much you can do to make her love you, besides asking her to give you another chance. When you said "I Do" that was forever and now she's broken that promise. It's hard when you're apart for so long. She should have realized this when you guys married. Now there's a kid involved...save her letters in case they may help you with child support. If she's in love with this other guy, make him pay for the kid's expenses, or most of them, so you'll have money to take your child on weekends and spoil her and you as well with nice outings. She's the one who left you....she shouldn't get any benefits from you then.

Wish you the best. Sorry, I don't know what else to say, except you deserve better and I'm sure you'll find her when you return! :) Keep thinking positive. Stay in touch with your daughter as much as possible.

Answer 2

You are really far along the road to healing because at least you know that she wants to be with the other man and you cannot change it. That is a huge step - admitting that you cannot change something; plenty of people try to deny the situation. How to move on is the hard part you are facing now. The best thing to do is see an attorney (you are moved out of the house so at least you don't have to live with her and feel the pain every day you see her). The attorney will help you to know that dissolving your marriage is a reality. As long as you meet your financial obligations to your daughter, I can't imagine why your ex wouldn't let you continue to be in her life - in fact, encourage it, as long as you are trustworthy and the divorce is amicable. Perhaps you can spend more time with friends now or family and get some emotional support from them while the divorce proceeds. Try to avoid even a hint of revenge and don't invite her to want to get even with you either - be nothing but polite and sweet to her and she will see only the good side of the guy she's divorcing.
Good luck! It is over but at least you do know that. That's a good thing.

Answer 3

She is really hurt and trying hard not to let go. The problem was at the start was you breaking trust. Now you want to fix it by going to a therapist. She not willing and she's rebelling. Don't push her now. I know this hurt, and you want your family together now, you are not ready and she believes she's in love with someone else. I know what she is going Thur. Once you are hurt and fed up. you look for that person that can make you forget what you have gone Thur, because really, being unfaithful is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. You are sure to come across that man that will treat you so right and make you forget you was ever wronged, but what they can't do is make your heart forget that the person you are trying to replace. Stop asking her about getting back together, that only push her away, go see your daughter and continue to work on you. If she comes back, she comes back. If she don't then you go on with all the new things that you have learned about yourself. Let go of her and heal yourself. Be there for your daughter and I'm so sorry your mistake took your life away.

Answer 4

I think the intimacy issues here are central. Your porn site experience sounds like it was a cry for intimacy. Guys live fantasy lives when they aren't living their fantasies for real. I know you gave that up, but she must have begun her own exploration, as you once did online. I think you should learn from this experience and move forward. You'll have to forgive her of her weakness and her leaving. This will be hard, but it will ensure that you continue to have a relationship with your child. It's so unfair that someone has to lose, and in this case it'll be you and your child. But this is the choice she has made and she must live down the guilt for the rest of her life. This whole episode is sure to be relived when your child grows up and have to deal with it all over again. If you can get through it in the best way now, you'll be better prepared to guide your child through the questions into a better understanding of things. It's sad, but sometimes it is unavoidable. May you find the silver linings in the clouds of the storms you're experiencing...

Answer 5

Honestly, I don't believe she is in love with the other man. You have been deployed and she was alone so she turned to another man for comfort and intimacy. She is probably still holding on to this other man afraid if she let's him go and begins with you again that you will be deployed and she will be alone again with no one. It is obvious the more you try to hold on to her the more she will pull away to this other man who will be there with her 24/7 when your gone. The bad thing for her is that most men that cheat with married women is because they don't want that attatchment just the frequent sex and partying freedom. He is probably telling her that he wants to be with her forever just to keep her sex coming to him, but when reality hits and she is at his door step with her bags and your child he will shut the door or let her in and give her hell on wheels until she realizes what she has done and runs back to you. If your smart before you take her back get counseling by yourself and then together. so many emotional issues stem from this terrible thing. REMEMBER she will more than likely do this again while your deployed the next time.

Answer 6

Since you are diployed she has probably been feeling alone and neglected, but its not your fault. She knew you would be deployed, she knew what she was getting into when she married you! A guy close to home probably was giving her more attention since you were away, and thats probably why she wants to be with his other man.
She is in the WRONG. She should have not married you if she didnt want a husband who would be deployed, ya know what im saying?
You dont need her, I understand you love her and have been faithful to her, but you DONT need a women like that.
Your little child will be torn between two parents now, and thats not fair to him. All you can do is wait until your not deployed anymore and try to get custody of your child.

Answer 7

You Poor Guy Your Serving Our Country And She Laying On Her Back I Say Get Rid Of Her There Are Plenty Of Women Out There Who Would Love Them A Good Soldier And Treat You The Way You Need To Be Treated

Answer 8

Unfortunately, it sounds as if counseling, in this case, would probably not done much good, since she had already fallen for this guy. So don't beat yourself up over not pushing the issue. I'm so sorry for your hurt. The best way to move on I think is to truly do that... get a divorce, so you can move on to find someone who will appreciate you and your child. It WILL happen. And find ways to stay in touch with your daughter, so she always knows this had nothing to do with her. Finally, God bless you for serving our country... I am both proud of you, and extremely grateful. It also means that I worry that you are suffering and may be a bit distracted by it all. PLEASE, especially if you are in a combat zone, keep your head about you, and stay focused for the sake of your daughter. Take care of you.

Answer 9

well sounds to me the problems in your relationship were just building up. And you being deployed (which is'nt your fault) did'nt help the situation. Problems combined with lonliness isnt a good combo. Usually if someone refuses to go to counsiling they have already made up their minds. You tried that's all you can do. Just take care of that child thats the most important thing. Hopefully now you can find somone who you can build a happy life with good luck to ya

Answer 10

Well, let me tell you she is definitely not in love with the other guy. I don't know much about you but you have been away that had made her to search for a romance. She got it. Women always need attention and can you try to be loving and near her as much as you can. Don't give up on her easily let her heal the feeling she is having as you know your child will suffer. For her sake save your marriage and think of ways that you should be near her. Please I am in an affair I know how my daughter is affected with this broken home. Good luck