What should i do?

Question

Im with a good man who is good for me we are perfect in every way but lately my kids have been telling me and their father that my fiance is mean to them... I'm not sure if their dad is feeding this to them or if there really is merit to it. I will have talked to my fiance about this and he has said he is stricter on my kids then his own because they need more instruction and they are with us every day, wheras his kids are only there a couple days a week so he is more slack on them. I'm not sure what to do and I worry that this will eventually break us up. I dont want my kids to be treated badly and if thats the case I'm outta here. Just not sure how to approach this one? Someone help please!

Answer 1

How old are your children, and what kind of relationship do you have with them? If your relationship is and has always been a good and open one, please don't ruin it by disbelieving them. That does not mean that your fiance is necessarily being mean to them, and you most definately need to get some actual events or their recollection of specifics in conversation to verify that they are what could be viewed as "mean". Your fiance's opinion of your childrens' need for more instruction sounds particularily worriesome to me. And if he is being slack with his children when they are with him those "couple days a week" I have a certain amount of sympathy for their mother who most certainly must have to be forced in to the roll of "bad guy" because Dad is so much more fun to be with. You really are in a spot but you need to set up those guidelines about discipline for your children. The hardest thing to cope with is the fact that they are not his children and although his intentions could possibly be good ones, you both have to keep in mind that your children do not receive the same unconditional love from him that they do from you. Discipline is much easier to accept and understand when it is being meted out by someone that you know loves you "no matter what". This is what your children receive from you, it isn't possible from your fiance. If he is unable to understand and accept this fact, your life will be unbearable. You know that you can't have 2 different standards of behavior for children in a combined family. And whether his children are there all week or just a couple days a week it is still a combined family. Please be confident that you have straightened out these feelings with both your children and your fiance before you marry him. The amount of stress you will be under throughout your marriage will be setting you up for heartache, if not a nervous breakdown. This is a hard situation for you to deal with but I agree with the others, you do not want to ruin your relationship with your children.

Answer 2

Before anyone gets married to someone with kids from other relationships how ur going to discipline the kids shud be talked about at length first. If he is saying ur kids need more instruction just because they live with u all the time shud send up red flags to u! All the kids shud be treated the same no matter how long they r with u. If some agreement can't come from u talking this over with ur fiance get out of this relationship fast. Ur kids come before any man no matter how good he is to u, ur kids are apart of you! This will break u up if u don't resolve this issue. Communication is the key to any relationship sounds like that's not happening here. So tell him u need to talk about this no ifs ands or buts.
Good Luck.......

Answer 3

try to install a camera at home . see how that man treat ur kids when u r not around.

1 ask ur self ur kids mean more to u or that man . if u really have to choose .
2. talk to u kids, ,ask them what did ur fiance said /do to them make them feel he is mean to them .
3. try to postpone ur wedding . u will see what is the person like . time can prove everything( just in case there is a change he will even treat ur kids even worst ) he might say i would treat the same way if they are my kids
4.also if u guys have a kids after u married him . he might also treat his kid much much better than ur own one.
and do understand is so hard to find a perfect guy . and also sometime they fit well . but they are just not the right fit .

Answer 4

I hear you. You can say that I'm going through the same situation. What you need to do is confront your kids and your fiance and make things clear. You as the mom have to be the one to do the punishing, If you said that you asked him and he said he has to be stricter with yours more that he is with his I don't think that's right because your kids are noticing this and if they already told their dad he might not like for another man to come and treat his kids this way. He might even claim custody and I don't thing a man is worth losing your kids. If your fiance has to tell your kids something well it has to be with you being there. One thing is him being your fiance but he is not the dad. He can be involved but to a certain point because your kids will grow up to hate him and is better to take action now before you get married and have to go through a divorce. Sit down and talk to your kids and I don't think that their dad is feeding them this because your fiance admit being strict to your kids. Your kids are your responsibility and his are his. He can tell you what your kids are doing wrong and then you can talk to your kids but not him, because they will not like it. Remember we have to think about our kids first. Our kids come before any man in the world.

Answer 5

you no what i have to say, because i live with my mother and her boyfriend i can only say that your fiance shouldn't hae any right at all to dicipline your kids. they have there mom and there dad so they dont need anyone else to help dicipline them. Unless he was there with them while they were young and helped raise them then he does not have the authority to dicipline your kids. But if you allow him to then you have to really look at the situation good because who the hell cares if his kids aren't there all the time they should be diciplined just the same as your kids. what the hell is that that he goes down on your kids but not on his own that just doesn't sound right to me. I beleieve your a good mother and want whats best for them so you dont need his help in that department. But you should just look into it al little more befor emakin any big decisions and if you see that your kids are really unhappy with the way that he is treating them then maybe you should rethink your relationship. I think that if he loves you then he would respect you, and respecting you includes respecting your kids. And if things are really as bad as they claim it is , please dont choose a man over your own children, its not a good feeling. best of luck to you.

Answer 6

I agree with the earlier answer of the person who mentioned you should install a video cam.

As a mother of two boys, it does not make sense to me that a step parent would be harder on their step children than their own. The fiance should be parenting both sets of children EQUALLY.

P.S. The man is not "perfect in every way" if he does not show respect to your children while still reprimanding them or handing out punishment.
After my mom died, I spent 9 years in pure hell when I had to go live with my dad and step mom. Step mom was so jealous of my mother, even after her death, that she continued to take it out on me and treated me horribly.

At 17 I left home, finished highschool, went to college, all on my own. I am now 40 and have not spoken to my dad or the witch he married since I was 17. And I DO NOT regret it.

While kids are still kids (children) they come first in your life. When kids are grown (adults) you don't have to worry about such consequences.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

Fiance needs to know that they aren't his kids and he doesn't have the right to chose their discipline level, you do. I'd suggest talking to the kids and puttin your foot down with him, compile a list of things you will and will not allow a man to do or say to your children. For example, hit them, or put them down or yell, your choice. Fiances come and go, your children are forever, they are yours to protect and if you marry a man that they feel treats them unfairly it won't be long till they're spending more weekends at Daddy's. Let Fiance know they are your children and he can discipline his all he wants, but he can only discipline yours following your rules, having a penis does not give him the right to push kids around his way.

Answer 8

if he been mean to your kids then he is you better get out now why you can because he in it for you not your kids he can care less about your kids and he probly want them to go stay with there dad if you let them your kids is are more important then any man you can find a man thats going to take you and your kids good luck

Answer 9

i think you need to be more observant when he is around the kids. if you look and listen then you will know exactly whats going on between him and the kids.if all the kids are saying the same thing abiut him then be aware something is going on.and it dosen't matter if his kids are there all the time or just for a couple of days a week he should still be the same with them. right is right and wrong is wrong. good luck.

Answer 10

He should be as strict on his kids as he is on yours. Sounds like the kids are not use to the extra discipline and especially when it comes from someone from other then their natural dad. If you are happy with him then the let the kids fall in line. Questions to ask yourself , do you think he treats the kids badly? and why do yo think the father maybe putting the kids up to it?