help with editing?

Question

im 14, and i just had a very basic assignment to write a SHORT descriptive 3 paragraph descriptive writing. im a little stuck on how i should end it, and also do u have any editing ideas?

The moment that I stepped off of the airplane I was happily overwhelmed by the humid air, and the stunning tropical flowers. As we drove to our vacation cottage I could hardly noticed the huge resorts and the countless tourists. I was coming to the realization that I defiantly wasn’t in Alaska, but a place far more captivating.
I spent practically all of my time at the beach trying to absorb the sunlight, which I hadn’t done much of living in Alaska. When resting at the beach with my toes in the sand, I loved how content, warm, and free my mind felt. The sky was mostly cloudless, except when the mystic island decided to surprise us with a heavy rain. Within minutes of a downpour everything would become luscious and green again, and vibrant rainbows would appear in every valley.

Answer 1

This is a really good essay for a 14 year old. Below I have an updated version for you that has been edited. I changed very little of the context of the story...mainly grammatical corrections.

The moment that I stepped off the plane; I was giddy, happily overwhelmed by the humid air and stunning tropical flowers. As we drove to our vacation cottage, I hardly noticed the towering resorts and the sea of faceless tourists. I began to realize that I was no longer in Alaska, but a place far more vibrant.
I spent every waking moment on the beach bathed in a shower of sunlight. I had not done much of this while living in Alaska. While resting on the beach with my toes covered in sand, I loved how content, warm and free my mind felt. The sky was a cloudless blue, except when the mystic island decided to surprise me with a heavy rain. Within minutes, everything would become luscious and green again. Like magic, these vibrant rainbows would appear in every valley. I had finally found my little paradise.

I put that last sentence on your essay to cap your second paragraph. I think the essay sets a great mood. You give the reader a sense of joy and pleasure b/c that's what the scene and mood evokes. Something that could really make an impact on the reader is if you use your last paragraph to turn the mood completely around. Everything so far has been nice and bubbly and joyous and pleasant (like a fantasy world). With your last paragrah, you should bring the reader back to reality. For example, while you're lying there content and in bliss, all of a sudden -boink- a beach ball smacks you in the head. You look up and see your pesky little brother with a malicious grin on his face. And you realize that this vacation isn't going to be any different from the other vacation you've taken b/c as always your brother has spoiled the mood. (or it could be your little sister, cousin, whatever). I think you know where I'm going with this. And keep writing. It was really good.

Answer 2

First some editing remarks:

In the first paragraph, you have a couple issues with commas: "The moment that I stepped off of the airplane I was happily overwhelmed by the humid air and the stunning tropical flowers." [No comma before 'and' because you are 'overwhelmed' by both the air and the flowers - those are equal. You might want to put one after 'airplane,' however, so that there's a pause in the sentence.] Your second sentence has a grammar problem that you can fix pretty easily; just take out 'could' so that it says "...I hardly noticed..." Also, think about putting that sentence together with the next one (join them with a semi-colon) so that we know /why/ you 'hardly noticed' everything around you; you could leave it as is, which would suggest that the 'humid air' and 'tropical flowers' are the cause. Third sentence - 'defiantly' should be 'definitely' and you probably want to say "I definitely wasn't in Alaska anymore" - adding that word would tell readers immediately why you're contrasting Alaska with the place that you're talking about and give some background with very little effort.

The first sentence of the second paragraph is kind of awkward because of the combination of clauses at the end of the sentence. Try rewording it after the comma ("...sunlight,..."), perhaps: "a novelty after living in Alaska," "a rare occurrence for a native of Alaska," "a particular treat for someone coming from Alaska," or "since we see so little of the sun in Alaska." Mix and match. (Keep in mind that you might not need the comma depending on what kind of wording you use, or a semicolon might be better - read it out loud to yourself and see what kind of pause you need and where.) In the third sentence, I would suggest a couple minor changes, for example, you might want to say "except when the weather on the mystic island" so that the weather is causing the rain, not the island, and also "surprise us with heavy rain" - take out the 'a' which suggests that it only happened once, even though the next sentence makes it sound as if it happened multiple times. Otherwise, those sentences look good.

For a final paragraph you can go a few different directions (or a combination): talk about what you liked most, talk about being back wherever you are and what you miss most, talk about the trip back (or at least up to boarding the airplane home - if you ended with boarding the airplane, it would make a kind of frame for your piece, beginning and ending more or less the same way), or talk about what you want to do if/when you go back. Feel free to do something else, of course, but I hope this gives you some ideas.

Answer 3

A couple of suggestions:

The moment that I stepped off of the airplane I was happily [remove happily] overwhelmed by the humid air, [remove the comma] and the stunning tropical flowers. As we drove to our vacation cottage I could [remove could] hardly noticed the huge resorts and the countless tourists. I was coming to the realization that I defiantly [I think you mean "definitely"] wasn’t in Alaska, but a place far more captivating.

I spent practically all of my time at the beach trying to absorb the sunlight, which I hadn’t done much of living in Alaska. When resting at the beach with my toes in the sand, I loved how content, warm, and free my mind felt. The sky was mostly cloudless, except when the mystic island decided to surprise us with a heavy rain. Within minutes of a downpour everything would become luscious and green again, and vibrant rainbows would appear in every valley.

Maybe your third paragraph could describe your emotions at how you felt having to leave paradise (assuming you have).

Answer 4

I think it is good but did a few changes in the second paragraph what do you think? I spent practically all of my time bathing in the warm rays of sun at the beach, trying to absorb the sunlight and develop a beautiful golden tan, which I was unable to do back home in the freezing cold of Alaska. When resting at the beach with my toes curled underneath the soft grains of sand, I loved how content, and free my mind felt.
The sky was mostly clear with maybe one or two fluffy white clouds in the distance, suddenly the mystic island decided to surprise us with a heavy yet still humid type of rain,rapidly it all happened and what seemed like forever lasted minutes.happy were the songs of the birds nearby,as they enjoyed the vibrant rainbows that glowed above in the tall trees it was beautiful!

Answer 5

An Island so exotic and vibrant. I could just free yourself in amongst it. I could bask in the sun kissed salty beach forever. Not a flaw to be found. Every spot of the islang is so unique. It was beautiful. It was____.





i dont know what island it was so fill in the blank :] good luck!!