why has he reacted this way?

Question

Im getting a divorce after 15 years of violence and mental abuse, I have two sons aged 14 and 8, the eldest one has decided to stay with his father... I feel I have failed him as a mother. I had outsiders telling me to keep trying for the kids sake but i cannot afford to keep getting depressed and mentally breaking down.. I took the steps but seem to have lost my son in the process, He even gave me my mothers day present today saying he might not see me again.... all these years i stayed for the kids sake. I love him dearly and my tears are not stopping today, I hope one day he will know and realise that I love him so much.

Answer 1

i really feel for you on this one i too left a violent marriage and have two children from my ex, they were only 2 and 3 when i left and i also stayed far too long for their sake, mine was a very messy divorce and for a lot of years he made my life hell threatening to take my boys away from me, they did have contact but to be honest he was not a good father either, my boys are 16 and 18 now and are not harmed by it and whilst they spend time with him (our relationship is friendly now and he accepts the wrong he did ) they live with me. Your son is feeling torn right now and it may be that his father is playing games with him to hurt you, if so this is working, your son knows you love him and he does love you and will soon see that he misses you and will visit, just be there for him and put no pressure on him he will soon come round dont let him see you crying as this will just add to his confusion and dont be angry with him either he is only 14 and confused and hurt and may blame you noww for the break up but will, with age, realise that you did this for them as much as yourself. I am assuming he is a good father and not abusive towards the children, if so then he too loves his sons and there is no reason you cant share the custody of him between you and compromise on the finer details of regular contact, contact a solicitor today for advice who can mediate with your ex to reach a happy medium. Also speak to your doctor as you are clearly distraught about this and may be depressed, you have to be strong now and NEVER EVER feel you have failed as a mother, what you have done is the bravest thing any woman can do and i admire you so much. Your son will come around soon i guarantee it dont forget he is a teenager too and hormones are running wild good luck and keep positive your life will just get better and better.

Answer 2

Its early days yet & its very dificult & confusing 4 children 2 adjust when parents split up.Try not 2 worry or take it personally,it doesnt mean he loves either of u any more or less.Hes quite likely 2 change his mind & come back 2 liv with u.Make sure he knows ur there 4 him & u want him 2 liv where hes happy.Sumtimes children feel torn between both parents & dont know until theyve tried both which they want 2 liv with.Sumtimes wot they want isnt wots best 4 them.Ask him 2 visit u or ask/take him out 4 the day.Try & get him 2 spend sum quality mum & son time with u.Dont push the situation.Try & get him 2 talk 2 u 2 find out how he feels about whats happened.He may be unsure how he should act or how often u want 2 c him.He might of said it 2 get reassurance from u that u wanted 2 c him.Have u told him how much u love & miss him.Parents need 2 talk 2 there kids when they split up & make sure the kids understand wots going on through the whole thing.14's a dificult age anyway, he'l change his mind many times yet about a lot of things.

Answer 3

Understand that even though you went through the abuse - your kids may not have witnessed it or they may have a warped idea concerning it that it was you and their dad's problem and not their own. They will still have a relationship with their dad. The oldest one is at a critical age where sons will start wanting a stronger bond with their dad. It isn't uncommon even with a dad like your husband. It's a man figure thing that they crave. Don't get downhearted about it though. Your sons will realize when they get old enough what really happened to bring about the divorce. They may even be given false information about you and told that you caused the divorce(an affair that your husband knew about, he couldn't make you happy no matter what he did, or you just wanted to be single again). As far as you not seeing your son, that will change too. Give your son some time and no pressure. When you do talk to your son, remain calm and confirm to him that you love him and miss him. Do not try to drag your kids into any verbal battles on what your husband says or to try and make them your ally in this - it will backfire! Kids should be able to remain neutral when parents are going through this. Also do not have them present while you are on the phone with your soon to be ex and arguing. Kids are smart enough to recognize who is being an adult and who is not when dealing with this type of situation. Just keep a steady pace in dissolving this mistake in your life and focus on building yourself and your kids a stable living environment. As a final note remember, teenage years are also the rebellious years. You may have your eldest son back with you in no time if he gets to be more than your husband can handle. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Giving your son the freedom to make his own decisions is really important to him at 14 yrs. of age. However, you should let him know that you would like to have planned outings where you go out to the movies or dinner, so that he doesn't lose touch with you or his younger sibling. This is where you are going to have to be strong, because he may not want to.
Staying in a marriage "just for the kids" never works. No offense to you, but when couples use this as an excuse, it is often a diversion for them to put off really dealing with the facts of a failing relationship. Besides, you deserve happiness, you are not a martyr! And it would do your children an immense amount of good to see both of their parents happy. Keep trying, it will get better!

Answer 5

I feel so sorry for you. I had 19 years of mental abuse from my ex wife and we got divorced. I am better but my two girls have ignored me for the past five years and I know for a fact that my ex wife has poisoned them against me. The older one has always ignored me but the younger one phoned, used to write but now I have no contact at all with her. It is possible your husband is turning your son against you as a form of revenge. I don';t know where you live but if it is England then the law is a farce and solicitors are just greedy, overpauid, lying , selfish cheats. The law does not help for it says it is up to the child where it lives when they are old enough to decide. Your ex must have poisoned your son against you but only time will tell. In the Staes there is child alienation syndrome where a parent turns the child against the other parent but in the UK it is not accepted. Your ex will have told your son his side of the story whether it is true or not and your son believes him. I got letters from my eldest asking me why I did things that I had not done. You will have to be patient and careful not to upset your son. If your son is a violent man then it may only be a matter of time before your sons realises life with his dad is not a bed of roses and comes back to you. It is hard I know for I am going through it but never give up on him. Life is never straightforward and everything is for a reason. Best wishes.

Answer 6

First of all, you need to see what courts will keep your 14 year old son with you. As it is very important that his influence on his female attitude to come from you. You have done what every good mother would do . You tried to keep your family together for the sake of your children and have in the process have hiden and sheltered their father's reputation for their sake. Now you see how this has backfire on you. Your son is just too young to realise this now. Best to keep the lines of communication open with your son. If he asks you questions, it is time to be up front and honest. He may get upset with your answers about his father, afterall reality is what he is avoiding, this is what makes you the fall guy. It makes it easier for him to blame you than to see the truth about his father. Be there for him, he will one day for sure see how his father really is. Just hope his father does not influence him to his way. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Perhaps the son that is staying with his dad is doing it for a man figure in his life. Or perhaps your soon to be ex was violent towards him and he has a fear of leaving him and wonders what would happen to him. You certainly did not fail your children so do not think those thoughts at all. You did as much as you could for as long as you could. He still loves you and will continue to have a relationship with you. Just make sure his father does not brainwash him with bad and untrue information about you.

Good luck!

Answer 8

firstly well done for leaving the brute,that takes alot of courage,i know you feel a loss at the moment but when your children r old enough 2 understand what went on they can make there own minds up,stay strong,i know this from experience because my mum went through the same thing,i chose my dad,it wasnt till i was 19 that i ask them why their relationship ended so bad,i got both sides to there stories and my dad kept tripping up with his lies,even though my mum waited all them years the truth come out,and it always will,good luck in the future

Answer 9

my wife and i just lost her oldest to his dad. Me being the step father had no say in it however boys need their dads.
one reason i know they leave is the grass is greener scenario. kids hate rules!!! you have to be strong. I would get a journal and document every time he performs an unfit fatherly act, it should include date and time and all the details, as well as how it made you feel as a mother. this will only help you in court should it come to that

Answer 10

He will realise as he gets older, he probably feels torn,at the moment he seems to be blaming you,he will come round once hes used to the idea.