I'm being rude to my friends uncontrolably?

Question

Every time I hang out with friends, I can have tons of fun. We can really click and it's so wonderful. I feel like they begin to really like me and there is a sense of assurance that the friendship will be great. All of the sadden, if they do one little thing that I don't like, or something they say, or whatever, I start freaking out and cannot control myself. I realize something is wrong with me, that it's not suppose to be like that, but it only makes it worse. I get even more jumpy and the usually the result would be really ugly. I shut myself up, run to the car, say I don't ever wanna see them anymore because I'm a horrible person and they deserve someone better, or I feel like everybody hates me, everybody is after me, I'm rejected, so many things all at once. I usually push myself away, lock up and after I cool off I apologize but the relationship is never the same anymore... Please help.

Metoo, thank you for your definition. I could never imagine that I could be dealing with such a horrible mental disease as Borderline Personality Disorder. I checked the symptoms and most of them match me, accept that I am not violent nor abusive! I actually have a lot of compassion for people and can't stand fights.

dtwladyhawk, thank you for your encouragement. I wish I could seek counseling, but I cannot, nor do I trust any of them. In my opinnion they are mostly interested in money and I don't have any to give them. All I have right now is the church that so far has been very helpful!

Answer 1

You remind me of a friend of mine (or at least an acquaintance since she fluctuates so much). It really hurts being judged and hurt by you. I would say have a heart to heart talk with your friends. If my friend decided to tell me whatever it is her problem is, I know I would be compassionate, not judgmental. The reason our relationship is not the same anymore is because she treats me rudely then expects an apology or simple explanation to make it OK. I don't want to be codependent, which is what your friends are turning when they accept your behavior. You've got to be honest with them. Tell them you don't know what's wrong but that you are deeply sorry and you truly care about them and don't want to jerk them around. See a counselor, open up, and try to get help. There is no point beating up on yourself, but you owe your friends a real explanation and do your best to control your temper. It kind of sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (I just read about it, as I just had a horrible experience talking to a "friend" on the phone who did this very thing you are describing). But get help from someone who knows more.

Answer 2

DO NOT FEAR, MANY SUFFER WITH SIMILAR SYMPTOMS, SEEK COUNSELLING AND MEDS IF NECESSARY. YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.