If one were to look at the show “Criss Angel Mindfreak”, one would find that it appeals to the audience is several ways, has a unique relationship with not only the participates but also the viewers, not only has positive messages but negative ones as well, and that if one were only watched this show would expect the world to be based off of magic.
2007-03-11 13:42:00 · 4 answers · asked by Jalana 4 in Education & Reference ➔ Higher Education (University +)
It's a bit wordy and there are a few grammatical problems. However, it does address what you are about to discuss. Just try to eliminate pointless words and get right to the point. Also, you could add to the effect of the sentence by using more descriptive and elaborate words to grab the reader's attention.
2007-03-11 13:51:19 · answer #1 · answered by true_wahoo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the grammar isnt perfect.
and although a thesis statement is only one sentence, that one is a little long and wordy.
Some if it seems redundant, for example, you talk about watching the show twice, maybe combine that.
Also if necessary and if you can, work a semicolon in if it must be a long sentence.
2007-03-11 14:18:35 · answer #2 · answered by trin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no- you need to work on your grammar. "participates" should be "participants" for starters. and that's one big long run on sentence. why can't you break up that sentence? is there some sort of rule that a thesis has to be one sentence?
2007-03-11 13:51:02 · answer #3 · answered by belfus 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, I would reconsider my subject and my grammar.
2007-03-11 14:06:40 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋