Why do people feel derailed after a divorce?

Question

I feel derailed after my divorce from my ex-husband.

I feel like my career has gone backwards. I have also suffered emotionally in that I have had a hard time accepting the divorce and learning to be alone.

I also feel bad about where my life is compared to others my age. They are married, settled and have children. My child lives with my ex-husband and he has not followed the visitation rules.

I basically feel like I have failed in every aspect of my life - personally, professionally and family.

How can I pick up the pieces and put my life back together? I look at other married couples and families and feel bad.

My ex-husband was abusive, controlling and manipulative. I know that I can not live with him.

Yet, I feel bad at where my life is.

Answer 1

You feel this way because ever thing that you were trying to build in love, life and career have been wrecked.Everything that you have based your life on these past few years has suddenly been turned up side down.The person you depended on being there for the rest of your life is no longer around to help with the troubles you face.All the responsibility falls on you now.All these things have been thrown at you and theres no one to help now.This is why you feel the way you do.I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will feel this way for quite some time.The way I got through it was to take each day and look at the simple things that worked out.Things like a good day or funny moment with co workers or a friend.Take these little things and look at them as a success, an accomplishment. Don't think about all the negative things they will only bring you down again.I went through a long and ugly divorce so I know how you feel. The things I mentioned above helped me get through some very tough days.Your emotions will eat at you everyday so find some humor in the little things that happen.If you have kids use them to help ease the pain.I found that through all the hurt they were my biggest relief.

Answer 2

First, when you divorced, you changed a lot of assumptions and plans and ways you thought about your life and how you made decisions and changed them.

If it was abusive, a big part of it is how you've been trying to avoid provoking this guy and now, with him not heavily influencing your decision making, you're left with making decision on your own and being responsible for them.

This is probably why you feel like a failure right now.

An additional part of the problem is that you have the belief that you have little or no self value without being in a relationship. This is probably a good portion of why you stayed in the relationship for so long.

The first thing YOU have to do is realize that you can and will live without him and you are a very valuable person.

This is easier said than done, but it's what you will have to do.

The second thing you have to do is become self sufficient.

DO NOT move in with anyone else unless it is a family member or a very close female friend.

You, especially now, are very susceptible to being made dependent on someone else and getting used.

You need to work towards becoming financially self sufficient.

If you haven't gone to college, go. Start with a community college that transfers to a larger university, take classes while your work. If you never completed high school, take a GED course, then start with community college.

Once you are totally self sufficient, then and only then consider getting involved with another person romantically. Until you can say "no" to a romantic proposition and suffer no consequences from it, you have no business getting hitched to anyone else, you will be bait for any and every manipulator around.

A side effect is a custody court will look very favorably on you if you pull this off...

Answer 3

Often we feel like we failed when end up in divorce. Reality is, we have to close chapters and start anew to move on to better and more healthy things in life. Really, I would strongly suggest that you look at your definitions of happiness and success and start to redefine them. Life is all about perception. Try to find some sense of self-empowerment for surviving an abusive marriage and divorce. Tell yourself it has only made you stronger and wiser! Stop comparing yourself to others, so they made different choices than you did, you now have the opportunity to make the very best choices. Also, you never know what goes on behind close doors in their lives, they maybe in hell, all you know is that you no longer are. You need to break out your divorce papers, go down to your local police station and tell them you want to go see your child, it's your day for visitation, here's the court order and your ex is refusing. Simple as that you now have control! Look plain and simple, you are not a passenger in life, you are the one behind the wheel, it is up to you to make choices from here on out that will give you all that you deserve. Stop giving your power away!!!

I hope you feel better soon!

Answer 4

You have to put it in perspective... you have only failed in one area -- your marriage. But in truth, YOU didn't fail that, he did. If you had stayed, your life would have been a living hell.
Don't compare yourself to others -- you have no idea what secrets they keep hidden behind closed doors.
As for the visitation rules, get that back on track through your attorney immediately... you are allowing him to control you again.
Focus on the future, and on how much better your life is without this man in it every day.
It will get better.

Answer 5

Sounds like you were true to yourself and did the right thing. Unfortunately the right thing is usually the hard thing. Stay busy. Move forward. Cardio exercise will help keep the depression away.

Answer 6

Find who you are right NOW!
then worry about the future, but unless you got anything that precludes emotional strap then your going to need to hurt for right now.
Stop comparing your life with other , because your not them, and there not you.
Good Luck

Answer 7

because the divorce is a life altering event, a bump in the road, it is the most destructive action that can be taken in a relationship since it destroys the relationship itself

Answer 8

try dating that will get your mind off things for awhile

Answer 9

who caused the divorce? who actually filed for divorce?
if you did, then you deserve to feel miserable.