My life is going down the tubes... relationship wise and goal wise.?

Question

Im married to a soldier in the U.S. army. I came over to Germany to be with him, and I mean I literally put my life on hold to come out here and be with him. Before I came out here I thought I would be able to get a job and take some classes and what not, but there is nothing here. NOTHING. All the English speaking jobs are taken, and I dont speak much German. I'm so depressed, my husband barely pays any attention to me anymore, I feel so alone and unappreciated. I dont think he realizes that I sacrificed a great deal in my life just to be here supporting him. I have so many things that I want to do, and that I want to accomplish, and while Im here with him doing nothing I feel so horrible. I dont know if I should stay here and deal with my increasingly fragile mental state or go do what I need to do for ME. I need some serious insight. Thank you in advance

Im not being resentful, I am being fed up. Ive been here for seven months and still almost have 2 years to go. I am 21 years old and yes I know I made the choice to come out here and now Im working on the choice to possibly go home. I am in no way blaming him for my actions. I needed some opinions on how Im feeling and to see If I am the only one who would feel this way. Thanks everyone for your good answers. And I am really trying hard to learn german, its a damn hard language to learn and I cant get the pronunciation right.

Answer 1

First of all, I'm not criticizing you but at 21, you are a little young to have a real perspective on time.

I would start by learning the language. It seems to me you have a lot of time on your hands and that would a good way to pass it. If possible, work with a native German to learn slang, phrases, proper pronunciation, etc.

I would also check with the base Morale and Welfare office to see what programs they may have for wives like yourself that you can get involved in. Sometimes networking is a good way to meet people, get to know other women who found ways to cope with the loneliness of being away from home, and who knows, maybe you will meet someone that can find you a job.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your rear end. It is a hard life being a soldier's wife. My brother is career Army and he's no saint to begin with, so it's not an easy life being married and your husband is in the Army. You may not like it but you have to get used to being on your own a fair amount of the time, handling stuff on your own and trying to get a semblance of life on your own. Of course you love your husband and I'm sure he loves you. It's just not easy.

When you get back to the states (assuming he's staying in the Army), there will be jobs you can find and educational opportunities.

Just be patient, look around and do some checking on your own to make the best of the situation.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 2

Your life is not on hold. If you open yourself to the amazing opportunity you have to be exposed to a new experience and a new culture you will see that you are growing as a person. This is not an easy experience. Your husband needs to understand how you feel and how to support you. The army has an amazing support network. THE WAY YOU FEEL IS TOTALLY NORMAL. Yes, you need to focus on yourself.If you want to study you can do thousands of courses on-line or through correspondence. If you want to teach English, don't wait for jobs to find you. Put adds in coffee shops, in schools and grocery stores, offering English conversation. Be creative. Think seriously about what you want to do and then research the options. Accept your situation and figure out what you can do to make it great. Maybe it could include some travel, cooking new foods, learning about history or whatever you are interested in. Your husband needs to support your choices. Only you can control your happiness. Figure out what would make you happy and do it.

Answer 3

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel (try to remain as calm as possible). You also might want to see if the base has any support groups for the wives of soldiers. Meeting others in your shoes will definitely help fill the void a little bit. You don't say how long you have been in Germany, or how much longer your husband will be stationed there (I know you can't always predict that); but after you talk to your hubby and look into meeting other wives (and try to learn the language as much as possible - get a book or two) give it a few months and then reassess the situation. If there is no improvement , perhaps it is then time to consider going back to "?" to wait for your husband. Good luck to you. My heart feels for your loneliness

Answer 4

Well, it is good that you support him. You said take classes. Start with taking a class on speaking German. What a Great opportunity. You could learn it in the U.S. but 6 months latter you would not remember what you learned from lack of use.
You say he don't pay attention to you just think if you learned how to speak German without him knowing and you went out one night you would be in control of the evening he would need to depend on you to translate just about everything from dinner to who knows what. Hang in and give it another try. ( IT WILL BE HARD)

Answer 5

I think your mental state is more important than your marriage. I know i'm going to get bashed for saying that but its true. Think about it, you're not going to be a good wife to your husband if you're cracking up. Take care of yourself first always. Don't get me wrong, taking care of yourself and being selfish are two totally different things. So take care of yourself and you'll be able to assess your situation and make rational decisions for your marriage. I think this question is very complex and there's a lot of questions I'd like to ask you but just going off of the information you gave me I'd say come back to the US and get yourself together. How long is your husband stationed in Germany? How long have y'all been there already? How long have you been looking for jobs? Are there any schools you can enroll in while you're over there? Have you told him you feel unappreciated and you'd like more of his attention? There are so many questions. Contact me and I'll be able to give better advice once I know more about the situation.

Answer 6

You could enroll in college classes on the military base and work on a degree while you're there. Although I know this will sound very old fashioned and I never fall into that category, I believe your place is with your husband. You have a life with him....he is your family. If you have been behaving in a negative and depressed state of mind and complaining about being there, it will definitely have an impact on his demeanor and his behavior toward you. Best of luck!

Answer 7

lose the resentful attitude and learn German. make the most out of your situation. blaming your husband for your choices is closing your mind ,and a source of conflict. you are not helpless or hopeless. stop looking to him to make your life wonderful and look inside yourself. don't become a beast of burden. I know this sounds harsh but focusing on problems and feeling sorry for yourself or blaming others does not ever solve problems, and causes others to avoid you.

ask yourself what can I do to help myself and do it! build a support system online or in real life. see if you can get in touch with other English speaking wives of his fellow soldiers, do what ever they are doing to cope

Answer 8

Don't do anything crazy.......yet. Tell him you want to go back home to visit for a few weeks and while you're gone, see how you feel about everything when you come back. If u don't miss him while you're gone, you're more than likely ready to separate and go back home. Do some serious soul-searching and maybe try some counseling with him, so he can see how you are really feeling.

Answer 9

How about getting involved in some activities on base. Maybe meet other wives who can support you and know what you are going through and if you havent already talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Answer 10

First you need to find out were your relationship stands if it's not good then you need to take care of yourself first don't try to fix something that is already broken. Like you say he is not giving you the attention you need, so i really think you should sit down and talk it out with him first before you make any big decisions