is it my fault husband cheated?

Question

he says it is 100% his fault. others are telling me its mine.

he confessed a month ago to cheated 4 times in past 2 months, but broke everything off was sorry ect. the girl is almost 20 years older than me (him 25) and fat n ugly. when i asked him why he did it, and with someone like that he said that first time he was drunk other 3 times stupid and thinking with little head cause the girl wouldnt stop chasing him and he wasnt getting any sex from me.
he had complained about our never doing sex. but i thought he understood it was the DEPO that made me not even want him to touch me. and i did stop the depo but baby slept in our bed, what could i do? now people say its my fault cause he did ask for more sex, told me he needed kisses and more affection but i didnt give it to him and always had excuses he says.
is it my fault?

if i fix those things and give him a second chance do you think he will cheat again?

forgot to mention this other woman is a family friend and she personally came to me telling me she was in love with him for a long time and finally got him to fall when he was drunk and that he must have liked it cause it was more than once and she says she was gonna take him from me that he wanted her not me and thats why she ****** him 4 times cause she was so good in bed and i wasnt. and that she wasnt gonna stop chasing him just because he says hes thru and will find him even if she has to search till the ends of the earth. im way cuter than her and 15+ years younger, all she had going for her was my husband being drunk and her being easy.

hubby has quit drinking, started going to church and counseling and seems to be truly repentent.

Answer 1

no..........it is not your fault do not blame yourself

Answer 2

There is no excuse for cheating. Why would he change if given a second chance. He got away with it the first time. And deep inside ,will you ever trust him again. Every marriage has it's problems and it's perks. Cheating is not a perk. He was not fully in the marriage if he cheated. Drinking is not an excuse. Nor is this other woman chasing him. Should you have been more passionate with him, maybe. But that is no reason for what he did. Honestly, I would just learn from this and move on. There is men out there who would be honest with you and this just tells me that your husband knows what he did was wrong and is not accepting responsibility or his actions. Let him go. He knew it would hurt you and he knew it would jeopardize your marriage. Yet he still cheated. Respect yourself and find a man that is worth your love and time.

Answer 3

There are many things that can contribute to someone cheating in a marriage - and it's not always as cut and dry as labeling it just one person's fault, it can be a combination. The thing is, that regardless of fault, there is still a spouse who went out and cheated.
Providing that you are both willing to move on, forgive, and hopefully get into counseling - your marriage can be saved and even better than it was before. If the problems that caused the cheating/issues are resolved the odds are that there won't be any cheating going on - it's not like your hubby is a habitual cheater with tons of girls on the side. Get into counseling together and work things out. Stop listening to people who say it's your fault or his fault - it's a marriage, everything is shared.

Answer 4

He did the cheating...you did not make him do anything. In saying that however, when your husband comes to you and tells you there is a problem, and you do nothing to make it better, then he will find it elsewhere....most men do. I dont think either of you should take 100% blame....I think it should be 50/50....you were the catalyst that saw him find sex with someone else, but he was the one who actually went out and did it. If he had come to you and said he was going to find another woman to have sex with because he was not getting it from you, what would you have done? Would you have tried to be a little more accommodating? Women all say "how could you", then go off and think hes the worste person on earth....but lets be realistic here....if he is not getting his needs met, then what do you expect him to do? While we all must be responsible for the choices we make, and it was your husband who chose to do this, not you, you also have to be realistic...people have needs....he came to you and told you this, you didnt make any changes....so he went out and found someone else to meet his needs.

It would be worse if he went out and fell in love with someone else, but he didnt....he found a woman who would give him what he needed....no love....just sex.

I guess whether you take him back is totally up to you. Maybe it will be a valuable lesson to both of you in the future and maybe has the potential to draw the both of you closer together. Before that is even a possibility, both of you need professional intervention. It is solvable, but to enable the best chance of success, I believe counselling is imperative.

Good luck, I wish you both well.

Answer 5

My boyfriend has told me that the Number 1 reason a guy cheats is because he is not getting what he wants at home.
I agree to a certain degree, although I believe it is not an excuse and that there are other reasons as well. Some men are just Dogs and want what ever they can get.

I would have to say that in this circumstance, if you weren't making time for him, I would give you 80% of the fault here.
Everyone wants to feel desired. You two need to set aside special time with just each other. You may need some counseling also at this point to get past the trust issue.
Good Luck to you and him.

Answer 6

It's not your fault, he's a pig. Whatever you do don't give him a second chance because i guarantee you that he will cheat on you again. 4 times in the past 2 months is a lot. Do yourself a favor and divorce him. Once a cheater always a cheater. There are so many people out there that will treat you a lot better then him. He said the first time he was drunk well guess what he'll get drunk again.

Answer 7

He needs to take responsibility for cheating before anything. Usually when someone cheats that is in a good loving relationship with their spouse it is because they are not getting what they need at home(sometime emotionally sometimes sexually) But Ia m sure he was not giving you everything you needed either and you did not cheat. If he is truely sorry and you believe him then you can try to give him another chance. Give him rules and give yourself rules. Simple things like a kiss once a day or talking for 15 minutes during the day. You can talk to your doctor about your libido issues. A friend of mine just got some medication for her libido issues. Good luck! My husband cheated too. I took him back because he was very remorseful. Our marriage is now stronger than ever. The most important thing is never to stop communicating, say what is on your mind and allow him to do the same.

Answer 8

Gee, this is a little tricky. I wouldn't take the guilt off him. He could have said NO to this other chick. I think that he sounds some what selfish. I guess you could give him another go. Just be straight up and say that if he cheats ever again your marriage will be over. And chuck the junk back onto him in your acceptance speech. Let him know that even though he chose to break the vows of your marriage you have thought hard about the circumstances and understand that he was weak to temptation. But for your child's sake you have decided to allow him to make it up to both of you by being a better husband. You did nothing wrong. You aren't a toy and dont have to perform sex if you dont feel like it. Who would want to make someone have sex if they knew they weren't wanting sex!!! Good luck.

And nursecracker you are a ********!!! I have slept with all my children and havent killed 1. Parent the way you want to,love!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

First off, it's your husbands fault he cheated, not yours. So he got that part right. However, both of you share in the responsibility for the situation. Your husband is obviously responsible because he cheated. You are partially responsible for two reasons: 1) You denied him sex. Not to say this is your fault, but love isn't always convenient. Anyone can love someone on THEIR terms...it's easy then. But when you have to conform, compromise, or even do something your'e not a big fan of, that's what true love is all about. So you didn't want him to touch you. Let him touch you anyway. Would it have killed you? The "inconvenience" of having sex with your husband when you don't feel like it is certainly better than the the devastation and heartache you'll have when he cheats (I'm sure you're well aware of that by now). 2) You let your kid sleep in bed with you. I'm not going to get into all the pediatric psychology as to why you shouldn't let your kid sleep in the bed with you. You can get online, or talk to someone and get plenty of information on that. But as far as you and your husband are concerned, it KILLS your sex life. How on earth are you supposed to cuddle, or be affectionate or have sex with your child in bed with you? Seriously, get the kid out of the bed...whether you end up getting back together with your husband or not.

You said you stopped the Depo but then the baby slept in the bed. That's two layers of "red tape" your husband had to overcome to have sex with you. That's two layers too many. Don't get me wrong here, he cheated and he shouldn't have. That's the bottom line. But those two "layers" make you partially responsible for putting him in a position that's very condusive to unfaithfulness.

Another thing is you didn't listen to him. Your husband asked you for more sex. I could cut you a lot more slack if he didn't say anything to you but he did. Most husbands don't communicate anything to their wives when they want something much less more sex.

If I were you I would DEFINITELY give him a second chance. He cheated on you with a a woman 25 years his senior and according to you, she was not so easy on the eyes. Clearly this affair was PURELY for sex. He wasn't getting it from you so he sought it elsewhere. He was wrong for doing that, but it happens. He also is very remorseful which means he truly is sorry. If you give him a second chance, I think the chances of him cheating again are very slim...provided that you show him a little more attention and affection. I'm not saying to open your legs everytime he approaches you but the duty of husbands and wives are to please their wives and husbands sexually enough to keep them from straying...even if sometimes, they just don't feel like it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Answer 10

Look u were wrong in denying ur husband sex, and sorry i was on Depo and never had that problem, but anyways.. he is still wrong for looking else where rather then solving this problem with his wife, if the depo was a problem it only lasts three months so get on something else, but i think u used it as an excuse not to have sex with ur husband, and now ur wondering if it was because u constantly turned him down that he searched else where.. which him feeling the need to want to have sex with anything other then u , yes that was your fault for denying ur husband and even in the bible it states, u should never deny ur husband nor a husband deny his wife when it comes to sex.. BUT hes the one that controls his own actions, he could of easily relieved himself till this problem was fixed but HE is the one that chose to commit adultery.. so although ur at fault for causing the urge, he's the one at fault for actually actting upon it..

Answer 11

95% if the time if a man doesn't get sex at home he will wonder and have affairs. Men are physical woman are emotional. If you do not give your man sex oh well, it is your fault. A man is human and so are woman but if you don't give him sex why would you think he wouldn't look for love somewhere else. He told you and you didn't listen. Get the baby in their own bed and keep them their let them cry a few nights is hard but the baby has to learn to sleep in their own room. You man is first, baby second. If you patch it up, keep it up or he will wonder. If he has all the sex he can handle and fools around again, get rid of him. Take care Heather