Whats with me? How can I change?

Question

I'm in my 20s and have never had a boyfriend or a real meaningful relationship. I am pretty shy and I am not amazingly beautiful so I don't have tons of guys after me, but even when some are interested I usually avoid them b/c either I am not interested or am just afraid to actually get into a relationship. I feel like I have problems actually getting close to people, like I never really know what to say or what to talk about, that things are always awkward. A lot of times I almost dread actually going out w/ people. I dont go out often and when I'm out usually I have an ok time, but most times days before I know I have plans to go out to a bar or wherever I'm dreading it. But then when Im home alone on weekends, I feel like such a loser/loner and think I should be out doing something. I don't know if I'm depressed, have some type of anxiety disorder or just have self-confidence issues. Anybody have any advice as to how to improve myself?

Answer 1

You are NOT a loser...honestly. You firstly should change the way you view yourself. So you're very shy, there are so many people the same as you...really! So that means you are normal.

Second thing is...I do understand how difficult it can be when you are in company and don't really know what to say. Let me give you a tip; Concentrate hard on what people are saying...if you do this, it will take your mind off concentrating on yourself and how you are coming over to people.

Then once someone has said something...ASK a question about it. Your question should be an open question...in other words one that requires more than a yes or no answer.

So some good phrase to start your questions would be....'Tell me about......' or How does that work....?' or I don't really know a lot about that...what got you interested?'

Now the other very important thing....when you first see someone you are out with...have a radiant smile...this shows you are open and friendly immediately.

Yes, you do have to be brave to begin with, but once you've had a success that will spur you on. Practise practise practise and take up any invitations you get!

Best wishes, hope that helped a bit

Answer 2

I had some similar problems - and still do - when I was growing up. Saying that I'm only 26! Anyway, I'm male and I find it hard to talk to girls, I'm ok being their friend, but anything more and it's hard. I think you possibly worry too much and don't see the good that could come out of going to a bar and meeting new people. Why not try think of potential boyfriends as an opportunity to make a new friend first. I realized that with shyness the more you try to surround yourself with new faces the easier it gets. However, I'm not a shrink or anything, just a guy who understands your situation. One thing that did help me though was a Paul Mckenna confidence cd, I listened to that quite a few times and it gave me the courage to tell a girl how much I really liked her (something I'd never done before). As for the 'dreading' going to bars, this is to do with your confidence/self esteem too, so try that cd then get back to me.

Take care.

Answer 3

Start by taking small steps to improve your self-confidence:

Smile and say "hi" to more people you meet. Try to do this just once tomorrow--usually the person will very naturally smile and say "Hi" back. It is almost a reflex. But even if they don't, that is not the point. It will be a small emotional victory for YOU.

The next day try to smile and say "Hi" to at least two more encounters, then to four , then eight and so on. You will build up a habit of being a little more outgoing. You will find that most people welcome a friendly greeting (and if you catch someone in a bad mood, or who doesn't care just keep looking forward to the next person you get to play the game with--remember this is a type of exercises. You are doing it for your own health.

Speaking of exercises, if you don't already get regular exercises--start. The benefits are enormous in so many ways. You say you are not amazingly beautiful--maybe, maybe not-- but being in better shape will make the most of whatever you have. This will improve your confidence, and your form of exercises can become an interest that you might have in common with people who you begin to meet through the exercises described above.

This is not a complete program to turn your life around, just two modest strategies to take steps in the direction you want.

Answer 4

Please get a backbone, or some self esteem. You are not a Loser. You need a good dose of confidence. You do not have to be beautiful to attract a "NICE", guy. Those that are only looking for overly beautiful women are sometimes shallow and looking for just a roll in the hay. If you need to go to the library and get some self-help on building confidence and esteem. A good way to meet people in a non threatening setting is to join an interest group. Go look up some in your area by going to www.meetup.com. This is a good way to meet people who may share the same interests as you do. It is not a dating site, but it is a place where people may share interest such as certain movies, knitting, bowling, sports teams, or hobbies type stuff. It does not hurt to check it out.
Also get some affirmations and say them to yourself every day. You are a beautiful, capable person.

If you are a believer then, You are made in the image of God, and he does not make Junk. You are a princess and your father owns cattle on a thousand hills. You are also seated in heavenly places with him.

I hope this helps.
Peace and Blessings to you.

Answer 5

The best advice I can give you is that people LOVE to talk about themselves. So when you feel awkward, ask questions about them. It may be boring at first but then it opens up conversation. And b4 you know it, you might just start talking about yourself too. If someone says something you can relate to, such as maybe they have a pet and you do too, you can talk about that. I guess in a sense, you have to force yourself to talk with people even if they bore you. But you never know, it might open up more topics that you both can relate to. I don't think you're a loser, you just have to learn how to just hang out with people and let things come naturally. Don't worry so much about it. As far as having a relationship, why do you have to have one? Don't think you HAVE to have a boyfriend. If its meant to be, it will happen.

Answer 6

There's nothing wrong with you.

There's everything wrong with the TV, movies, and "friends" that tell you you "supposed" to be dating or sexually active when you don't feel like it.

I didn't date until I was 20. I married when I was 25. The only woman I've ever had sex with is my wife, and she with me. We did things the old fashioned way and it works! Our friends say we have the perfect fairy tale marriage (compared to theirs,we do).

Relax. If you're not following the crowd it means you can think for yourself. That is a good thing. Be yourself. Don't allow others to pressure you.

When you decide you want to pursue a relationship with a man, remember this: Everything your girlfrinds told you was a lie to make you feel bad. Everything the magazines told you was to sell you something. If you want to be a beautiful woman in the eyes of the right man...all you have to do is smile at him. Oh, yeah, what do guys REALLY want? Food.

Answer 7

It sounds like Social Anxiety Disorder. Many people have this, and it can be very debilitating. That's why people drink alcohol. Because it tends to take that edge off in social situations, so they can feel less inhibited. While I don't think drinking is the answer, apparently many people 'get by' with it. That's why it's referred to as 'social drinking'.

The best thing for you to do is to find a counsellor who deals with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This therapy helps you to recognize how your thought patterns are trapping you into isolation. Learning how to use your thoughts in a positive way - meaning that you aren't constantly feeling as though people are thinking negatively about you and instead just feeling positive about yourself and your own decisions - will make it easier to be in social situations. You could also get the book 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by David D. Burns. This contains a wealth of information on this subject.

Please remember this very important thought. Other people are far too busy dealing with their own issues to be dwelling on you or your negatives. While that thought may make you feel as though you're not important enough - it may also liberate you to be comfortable about who you are, without worrying about scrutiny.

Answer 8

I know what you mean. I'm 21 and I've never even been kissed before. But its not because I didn't want it to happen. Its just that no ones ever really seemed interested before. But I'm not depressed about it at least not much and I'm a generally happy person except for that one area. Don't worry your not alone.

Answer 9

I don't know what you like to do, but one of the best ways to meet people is to join groups that do what you like to do.

For example, if you like to do art, perhaps you could join a few art classes and have fun, while meeting people with similar interests.

Bottom line, go out and do what you like to do and don't worry about meeting others or being alone. The enjoyment you get will show and will attract others who like what you like. Then you can start slow and see if you want to date any of the new friends you meet.

Good luck.

Answer 10

you sound so much like me when I was your age.
I married at 27, because I felt like if I didn't take that oppertunity,
I was doomed.
I have 2 wonderful grown up children from that, but the relationship from the
marriage was doom.
He never was physically abusive , but mentally!.
I divorced after 24 years.
All this to say, don't, please don't take the first opportunity you have to have a relationship.
make sure that when the opportunity comes.
AND IT WILL.
that you know for sure that it will be right for you and
not just a chance to get married or such!@!!!