What do you think of this poem? How do you think it could be improved? Please be nice.?

Question

Theres much to do
and very little time
All the stress
Makes you want to cry
But you dont have time
To shead a tear
Rushing to work
And saying your prayers.

Overloaded
Losing your mind
Trying to grip reality.
So just go on
In your daily pattern
Until you die so sadly.

Mom and dad worked so hard
to provide a living.
By 25 they had gray hair
but they never had time
to shead a tear
As they rushed to work
and said their prayers.

Overloaded
Losing your mind
Trying to grip reality.
So just go on
In your daily pattern
Until you die so sadly.

Walking in footsteps
Left behind
By the generations before you.
Trying to better yourself
Each and every day
By becoming overloaded.

Answer 1

one thing I like is that you don't have a hokey rhyming scheme throughout. it makes the poem read more naturally. I don't like the phrase 'until you die so sadly'. The 'sadly' part sounds forced and artificial to me, maybe a different word or maybe just 'sad'. I also don't like the phrase "Trying to grip reality." it sounds a little too hokey to me. Also, in the opening bit I don't like "all the stress makes you want to cry". stress is just kinda a vague thing there, I need something more specific to hang my hat on, and the crying part takes me out of it and makes me think that it's just going to be pure confessional poetry to come.

I like how the poem ends, thhe last 6 lines are well done. I like the bit about being overloaded, losing your mind, so just go on in your daily pattern. and I like what you have to say. The ideas expressed are great. I like the repititiveness of it as well. kind of droning/chanting effect is cool.

Answer 2

To be honest, poetry generally leaves me cold. But I read this to the end. The last poem I read to the end was When we Two Parted by Byron.

As someone who is cold to poetry... this I really liked! Whether or not this means it's good... I have no idea.

Have you considered setting it to music?

I liked it so much I'm going to read it again.

P.S. I wouldn't change a thing. If it can hold the attention of someone generally cold to poetry...

Answer 3

I like it.

A bit gloomy but then the best poetry usually is.

Do you feel you need to change something?

Poetry is a very personal thing - just go with what you feel.

Everyones comments will be subjective - even if you are having to hand this in to school two different teachers/people would grade it differently.

Answer 4

I love it.
and i'm not big on this.
most poetry puts me to sleep but yours didn't that mustt mean something.
It kind of reminds me that life is fast pased.

Answer 5

It's OK.