Every time they go out she comes back with something new, and I dont' agree with it. I spoke to him, but he just keep on doing it. I asked him to spend some of that money on things she really needs, but he doesn't understand my point of view. She's 7 and unfortunately that situation is somehow hurting my relationship with her. What's the smartest thing to do without spoiling her?
2007-03-11 06:23:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your ex husband is feeling guilty about your daughters loss with regard to your and his divorce. Emotionaly it may be difficult for him to share this guilt with his daughter in a verbal discussion, so he probably deals with this by showing his love and support to her with material offerings. I do not believe he is doing this to show your daughter that he is better or more generous than you.
It is important that you take into account hat he does not spend as much time with her as you do, as you probbaly have custody of your common child.
Whilst i agree with you that this is not the most effective way to show love and your fears are genuine, it will not help for you to express to him your distatse in his actions. Your ex husband wants to love his daughter, he misses her and he feels she is suffering from the decison you both made to get divorced. Right now this is only way he knows how to compensate for that.
Therapy may help him, and you in dealing with this, perhaps it would be wiser for you to suggets to your ex husband that it is a good idea that you both go to a family therapist together in order to learn how to best be there for your daughter in a divorced situation. Do this with diplomacy and delicacy, as well as with compasion and empathy to his feelings and guilt about not seeing his daughter every day.
If the gifts are an expression of love, be happy, as many fathers ignore their children after a divorce and do the least the law permits them to get away with.
He doesnt have to understand your point of view anymore, this is a fact, but remove both your ego's and try get a therapist involved so can discuss this in a proffesional enviroment.
Divorce and the consequenses of it suck. There is no easy way, work at it.
When your daughter come shome with a gift, smile and share her happiness with her, untill such time as her and her father can share their insecurities about the divorce together, this is still a bridge between them. If you share this happiness with her, and explain to her that this is her fathers current way of showing love, then you will find it easier to talk with her about the effects and your own fears, once she trusts that you are happy for her relationship with her father. It is not a competative issue, and i really believe that kids do not see it as that unless we make them think like that.
The best of luck.
Roy W
2007-03-11 06:40:21 · answer #1 · answered by Roy W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-05-05 22:54:08 · answer #2 · answered by Lillie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd say you definitely have a "Disneyland dad". If you've already talked to him about it and got nowhere then just try to be happy for your daughter.
This may be the only way he knows to show his love or he may feel guilty about the divorce or he may just be trying to make you look bad. Either way, if he won't listen there's not much you can do. Getting upset about it just makes your daughter feel guilty and resentful of you.
Just smile and say "Wow, that's really nice" and drop it. If she starts asking you for those kinds of things, gently explain that your budget doesn't allow you to buy too many extras but maybe for her birthday or a special occasion.
Believe me I have gone through this and used to resent it but now it's finally paying off, my 15 year old wants a $250 dollar prom dress and she's asking Daddy for the money!
2007-03-11 07:04:46 · answer #3 · answered by nailgal2005 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is very difficult because a lot of men show their love through gift giving.
I would let Dad be the one who buys that special gift. You be the one who buys the essentials (I assume he is contributing to essentials via child support anyway).
You can't spoil a child if only one person is giving them a treat once in a while. Unless, of course, you need to treat her with gifts also to show your love???
Parents need to learn the greatest gift is hugs, affection and understanding because it builds the very foundation of self esteem and confidence in the child. It will make you both feel great.
2007-03-11 06:30:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Google "Disneyland dad" and look for the articles that deal with this syndrome. I sent the article to my ex, and it helped some.
2007-03-11 06:50:23 · answer #5 · answered by salemgirl1972 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
maybe he's tryna retaltiate.or tryna get u back?maybe he's tryna make ur daughter feel like he's the good guy and ur the bad guy.or maybe he wants u back,and he feels that if he starts steppin up more,maybe u might see that he's changin?
2007-03-11 06:29:31 · answer #6 · answered by **so lost** 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he's required 200$ or more a month to you and your daughter. so he might be giving her gifts instead of money.
i'd say it balances out.
2007-03-11 06:27:27 · answer #7 · answered by John Becker 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont take this the wrong way, but i think youre wrong. hes half the parent and if he want to give her a gift, why cant he?
2007-03-11 06:27:06 · answer #8 · answered by wcarolinew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋