December
Friday December 31st
My bedroom
“I think a hurricanes brewing” kind of windy
11.00 a.m.
New Years Eve. Grrrreat. Being 15 leaves you with nothing to do at this time of year, especially when you have spots resembling the Himalayas and the face and body of a 10 year old. I know a lot of people going to parties, but maybe this isn’t for me. Noone speaks to me anyway..i’m one of those people that peple laugh at not with. Never a good look when its time to go back to school. For example..christmas eve. Holly and Immy let me go out….dressed as a banana. A banana?! What was I thinking. We all thought it was hilarious..until I arrived at the party realsing that it was apparently the one night when every girl in the year could wear as little as possible and call it a ‘costume’. Ha. I felt like..well…like a banana. Urghh..see..laughing stock. So that night ended with me dragging my big yellow self back home by 9pm. And bringing in Christmas with my dribbly little brother!
2007-03-11 05:50:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
I liked the humor and self-deprecation in the journal entry, but struggled with your sentence fragments and a few word choices. I left some of the fragments, since this almost sounds like a conversation with your self, and we don't always speak in full sentences. Also, you started out using second person (you), but then changed to first person (I/me), so I changed it all to first person. I am not sure that "dribbly" is a real word, but it does make a graphic, easily visualized statement. Anyway, here is my edited version:
December
Friday December 31st
My bedroom
“I think a hurricane's brewing”--kind of windy
11.00 a.m.
New Years Eve. Grrrreat. Being 15 leaves me with nothing to do at this time of year, especially since I have spots resembling the Himalayas and the face and body of a 10-year old. I know a lot of people are going to parties, but maybe that isn’t for me. No one speaks to me anyway. I’m one of those people that people laugh at, not laugh with. I never have a good look when its time to go back to school. For example, on Christmas Eve Holly and Immy let me go out dressed as a banana. A banana?! What was I thinking? We all thought it was hilarious until I arrived at the party and realized that it was apparently the one night when every girl in the world could wear as little as possible and call it a "costume". Ha. I felt like, well…like a banana. Urghh—see, I was a laughing stock. So that night ended with my dragging my big yellow self back home by 9 p.m.--and bringing in Christmas with my dribbly little brother!
2007-03-11 06:18:38 · answer #1 · answered by Lillian L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this a diary entry? You should make that clear. Write out numbers rather than putting in the digits (e.g. fifteen, not 15). Check your spellings (people, I'm, realising, No-one). 'Hurricane's brewing' needs an apostrophe (hurricane is) and 'I'm' needs a capital letter. I like the bit about the banana but you could do with making it longer. Also, you've used a lot of ellipses (...) but not many other different types of punctuation. Try using semi-colons, colons and hyphens (-).
2007-03-11 13:02:32 · answer #2 · answered by sallybowles 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Reminds me of a lot of teen books around currently.
2007-03-11 13:00:53 · answer #3 · answered by Corsair//Dread 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Doing AS english but you can't use paragrahs, you can't entertain if your audience fallls asleep from reader others may get offended from your punctuation.
2007-03-11 12:59:20 · answer #4 · answered by pettra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are very articulate don,t mix with people who laugh at you
2007-03-11 14:23:02 · answer #5 · answered by denny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋