My husband is impossible! Help!?

Question

My husband and I have been having A LOT of disagreements lately. I've read tons of articles about how to "fight fair", "say what you mean", "be a better listener", and on and on. I want our marriage to work, especially b/c we have 2 children.

The problem is this: No matter what I say, everything is always my fault. My husband says I don't listen (which, by all professional accounts I do - i.e., making eye contact, hearing what he says, empathizing with his emotions, repeating back to him what he said, not interrupting, not giving advice, etc) but he still says I don't listen! I walk away from our disagreements feeling defeated b/c I feel like I did something wrong, apologized profusely, and promised to try hard not to repeat the behaviors in the future. Later, I remember that I didn't get to express my issues in a constructive way. He turned the entire conversation around to him and his needs. I've sent him articles about figting fair and communicating but he WON'T read them! Help!

Answer 1

It sounds like you are never going to win these fights. He is not giving you any kind of a chance. Sounds like he has really bad anger issues and he is someone who always has to dominate the conversations. He doesnt feel good until you feel bad. I would suggest not only couples counseling, whichit sounds like you already are, but individual counseling, especially for you. I have been where you are. My husband at the time put on such a show for the couselor and I looked like the fool. I had to go to my own therapy in order to start to heal. The humilation of always apologizing is wrong and it ruins your self-esteem. Until you start going, hold your tongue and let him babble on and on and rant and rave, then you will realize its not all your fault and you will have proof of that by being silent. Good luck

Answer 2

He isn't really saying you don't listen - he is saying you don't agree w/ him, and he thinks you should. Do you sit down and ask him why he feels that way (i.e. Do you mean you think I don't spend enough time with you, or that I spend too much time with the kids? Ok, why do you feel that way? Alright, would you be willing to help me by dropping Billy off at soccer practice, while I run Sally to her music lessons so we will have more time together? No? Ok, what is your suggestion? Do you want to pack lunches or give the kids their baths?) See - if you will always answer his question with a question - sensibly and calmly, it may work. He sounds argumentative in nature. Stay away from things you argue about, like politics/ religion/etc. Remember, you get to choose your arguments, and it takes 2 to argue. Quit apologizing unless you have a reason to. All you are doing is patronizing him when you do that, and no one likes that. If this doesn't do it, try counseling, even if you go alone. Maybe he is depressed. Has he had a physical lately? Good luck. Remember, all marriages go thru ups and downs.

Answer 3

So quit accepting responsibility for things you didnt do. Dont apologize when you did nothing wrong. He knows exactly how to push your buttons!! No other person can really in truth "make" you mad-your reaction to what someone says is yours alone. You can choose not to get mad or angry, you can choose to not admit to something you didnt do and you can express your feelings but --- if he doesnt want to hear what you have to say then you need to find a couselor for your marriage. One thing tho' sometimes men are poor communicators so when they think they explained something -well mostly we didnt get it. Their idea of talking about something is different from womens -men have an inate need to "fix" things as soon as possible. They think action needs to be taken. Women want to talk about the problem, idea share, figure out the best way, figure out how much it will cost and on and on as far as men are concerned we worry it to death.So maybe in some ways you arent "hearing" what he is saying to you. Try to do some role playing even by yourself and ask yourself if you would want to be married to you- you may find some things you would want to change.

PS: The very idea of fighting fair is totally foreign to men. If it is a fight then there should be a winner and a loser -thats how men think. Women know you can lose the fight and win the war!!

Answer 4

You husband is very egoïstic and he has some power over you. You obey him too much. You act too submissive.
You should not believe everything is your fault, thats bullshit.
He knows very well that you are O.K. but he wants to humilate you, why, because he wants to keep power over you for some reason. You want to have your marriage work, then stand up and fight for your own rights. Stay calm and don't act like a slave anymore. Don't ever apologize for something you didn't do! Are you crazy?
And if he doesn't change, consider to walk out on him.
He should change his behaviour and you should be more assertive towards him. You're equal in marriage, he isn't you boss and he has no right to treat you this way.

Answer 5

You sure we don't have the same husband? he sound just like mine. It is a control issue, and he wants you to feel bad about yourself and that it is your fault that you two fight. One thing about men they wear blinders and cannot see there own actions and of course are fault free and turn every question into a question instead of just answering it, Of course he won't read the articles you give him or goto counseling because that may mean something is wrong with him and he does not want to hear it. you have done everything that you can possibly do to make things work. You are not in this relationship by yourself but it feels like it I am sure. I would get the book love must be tough by James Dobson, other wise dealing with his behavior is going to put you in a deep depression, I know I have been their, I would suggest you going to counseling a lone for your own mental well-being before he makes you feel like your crazy in which your not, he is the one with the problem not you, please do not forget that. Good luck hon my prayers are with your

Answer 6

I've said this before, with respect to compatibility: If you have to spend too much energy to adjust to each other, energy that could be used productively for interesting activities, you will not have a very satisfying relationship.

Unfortunately, the things that initially attract people to each other are not necessarily the things that make a relationship functional for the long haul. I commend you for wanting your marriage to work because you have 2 children. But, depending on how compatible you and your husband really are, staying together for the children may actually be doing nothing but modelling unhealthy relationships to them.

Answer 7

He sounds like a spoiled brat. Like a little boy. Maybe you need to wack him over the head with a 2 x 4 to get his attention. You shouldn't be apologizing all the time either. That is admitting you were wrong. Just tell him to listen to you. If he is taking the spot light again, re-direct him,,the same way you would a kid, or puppy . You have my sympathies.

Answer 8

honestly im going through the same thing... the best thing to do is to let him see how much it herts you when your both in good moods calmly try to explain to him and tell him how you feel and give examples of things hes actually done...my fiance does this too i always feel like the bad guy in everything and feel defeated after a fight when i know in my heart he is the one that is wrong and not listening...i do realize it takes two..and not everything is his fault...we also have a child which makes it more hard...good luck...

Answer 9

One of the things about that line "You're not listening!" is that some people will say it when they REALLY mean "You're not AGREEING WITH ME".
It takes BOTH people fighting fair for this to work. Sounds like you ARE, and he's NOT. You'll get nowhere until your husband acknoeledges this.

Answer 10

Only one side of the story here. But, I'm no referee. Most fights happen because they are allowed to happen or one side wants them to happen.

In a marriage BOTH need to understand the needs of the other. If both are willing to give more than they take, the needs of both are fulfilled.

I know I'm vague but I hope this helps.