The subject is marriage. My man and I have been together for 7 years. We have 2 children together and have a great relationship. In the beginning we were both in agreement on the fact that marriage was somewhat of a dumb thing to do. Now, my thoughts have changed on the subject. I want it. I want the vows in front of friends and family and I want the celebration. Our daughter keeps asking about it, she wants her parents to be married. This is more than just a useless ritual to me now, it's very important to me. He stands firm, hates the idea of marriage, but is committed to me as if we were. I don't know why it has become so important to me, but it has. I wouldn't feel right trying to pressure him into it. What are your thoughts? Is it the standard story of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? What makes you (not all of you, of course) fear or reject the idea of marriage when you are with someone you plan on growing old with?
2007-03-11 01:59:50 · 23 answers · asked by Trish 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like he's either afraid of the label or the legal aspects of marriage. If it's the label, you are screwed as there is nothing you can do about that. If however, it's the legal obligations, then he needs to realize that as far as the law is concerned, you and he are married and if you all split up, it might be a tad bit more difficult for you at first, but he would pay and pay and pay before it was all said and done.
There really is no reason for him to keep fighting the marriage thing. He should really think hard about it for the sake of his daughter, if for nothing else. Not to mention your feelings.
BUT, in the end, marriage is just a label. Love is what matters and you could take advantage of this opportunity to teach your daughter NOT to label things. I like that aspect of it.
2007-03-11 03:29:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like you are already married. A piece of paper and a ceremony should not change what you have now. If you were to break up the relationship you would still need lawyers and court dates just like you were married. In the state that I live in, when a couple has been living together for six months, you are considered married. It is a common law marriage.
2007-03-11 10:22:44 · answer #2 · answered by ally_oop_64 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know how it is for most men, but I can tell you how I feel.
Though I fully intend to marry my girlfriend someday - probably within the next few years - the thought of marriage still scares me quite a bit. No, it's not a general fear of commitment.
In my own life, I've seen how marriage changes people. I've seen a stepfather turn from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde once the vows were exchanged, and a coworker change from being sweet to her man as his girlfriend, to being a total b*tch as his wife. (I know this to be true because I worked with both of them.)
Therefore, as much as I want my girlfriend to one day be my wife, there will still be that little nagging fear in my mind that I'll suddenly see a side of her I never saw before. I don't really expect this to happen, but I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it.
2007-03-11 10:22:48 · answer #3 · answered by Chris S 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's a shame that this man has such a hang up but depending on the state you live in after 7 years you might already be married in the eyes of the court system. It's called a "common law marriage" If this is turn where you live then at least you can tell your daughter that you are already married. Good luck.
2007-03-11 10:24:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
As a m an married for 12 years, I'd say that he should do the stand up thing and marry you and that you should demand it. On the other hand, you gave up this right the day that you and he had the conversation way-back-when about marriage and you both agreed that you wouldn't. So, a deal is a deal. YOU are the one changing mid stream. Perhaps its better to let it lie especially since you stated that he is adamant about not getting married. Why ruin a good thing?
2007-03-11 10:03:18 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
you fear being judged a tramp by your kids. your kids are now getting old enough to realize and question mommie, you sense this and it has motivated an attitude adjustment. I can see it from both sides, why ruin a good thing, the other side, make you respectable. when it comes right down to it, you may not even be the marrying kind, you didn't insist on it before you had his kids. sex is something to be enjoyed by both, you aren't a cow giving it up for free , your anatomy isn't something to be bargained with. you now have the freedom to leave unencumbered ( only with your kids) not being married affords a lot of psychological freedoms. you feel you can leave anytime you want even though you may not want to.
it's a lot tougher when you are married. a female I know had a kid by a guy and then decided she wanted to get married, he did not want to, so she eventually cheated on him, got pregnant left her b/f and is no closer to marriage than she was and has less of a chance with 2 kids by 2 different men. make wise choices.
2007-03-11 10:22:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is a more then a ceremony in front of family and friends. It is an public expression of your love for another person and your lifelong commitment to them. Maybe your boyfriend is still afraid there is a chance that you won't be together and isn't ready to make the leap of faith yet. It's easy to say that you want to be with someone forever but when it comes down to actually making a binding commitment he may not be ready.
2007-03-11 10:11:34 · answer #7 · answered by blcria 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here's how I see it, the kids come first, before either of your wants. So things changed for you....probably because of the kids and for other reasons. Fact is we do change, and he will change too, just in other ways. As a committed couple, you have to come up with ways to tackle these hurdles together. (right now I'm dealing w/hubby's 'midlife' crisis, and instead of throwing him out into the cold saying, 'how dare you change' I am working with it/him.) I think both of you need to put this in perspective of your kids. How DO you explain this to them? Why is it at such a tender age, they even know you aren't married? Do the both of you want them growing up and NOT getting married, how would you feel about that?
2007-03-11 10:24:43 · answer #8 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, but your male friend is doing nothing wrong. You would be wrong to pressure him to marry you. You freely agreed to NOT marry. Now, you've changed your mind. While it's OK to change your mind, it doesn't follow that he should also change his mind. Your situation is why playing house is such a lousy deal for women. Where do you go from there? You're stuck in limbo- not married, not single. Your example of buying the cow isn't quite correct. Your guy keeps the ":cow", pays the bills for the "cow", and maintains the entire farm- he just doesn't formally "own" the "cow". And NO, women aren't cows.
2007-03-11 10:17:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It doesn't matter how long you are together or live together marriage changes things. Marriage means he is legally bound to you. Right now, he can leave if he wants. After marriage it will take a judge to legally declare him single again. IT may not be that he is looking to leave, but down deep he knows he can.
2007-03-11 10:41:11 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋