Can my marriage be saved? please help me. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years(married for 5 - we're

Question

27 now).We were each other's first real relationship.Would break up periodically while we were dating (initiated by him) but always got back together within a week.Summer of 2001 he broke up with me (thought it was for good) but about 3wks later came begging for me to come back.Lo and behold, a month later-I'm pregnant!Told our families (both Catholic) who thought we should get married but in no way pushed us.He thought we should wait but a few weeks later, proposed. Had wedding, 4mths later a baby boy.A year later, I finished college. Bought a house,had a 2nd son,opened a home day care.Lately he has been moody, somewhat disconnected from things(although seems to snap out of it at times).I chalked it up to lack of sleep and his discontent with his job.Now tells me that he loves me more than anything but is not in love with me and doesn't know if if ever was.Thinks I am not his soulmate - says he's been lying to me (smokes pot behind my back).I think he has mild depression-he says no.

says if he is it's self0inflicted b/c he's not as happy as he thinks he could be with someone else. I asked if there was anyone else - he said no although did add that often girls will hit on him at work (a casino dealer and goodlooking I guess - although i'm not badlooking myself except for maybe 5 or 10 extrapounds though he has always said he still finds me hot) He says he tells these girls he's married - I have no way of knowing for sure of course. He works nights and the nights he is off, he usually goes to his buddy Chris' late at night as I need to sleep for kids in the morning and he can't sleep due to his work/sleep cycle.I truly don't believe he is cheating on me, although I also never would've believed he would say he's not in love with me.He says we're too different-no common interests(which is true, but with young kids, a mortgage, oppo -site work schedules...who has time to pursue common interests?)We can't afford marriage counselling,no one I would want to turn to.

I mean, I don't want our families to know - it's humiliating and if our marriage can be saved, than I would rather they didn't know that we hit this rough patch. We have no couple friends and my friends are really scattered and I don't really keep in touch on regular basis (kids, husband, family, not very much time for single friends who are not in the same situation as me). I also forgot to add that we've always been pretty much polar opposites - we like different music;he likes sports - me, not so much;I like to read;he likes to have a few drinks at home or if he's out - while I have had some drinks at times in the past, I usually refrain & be the designated driver b/c I'd rather let him enjoy himself as I could take it or leave it. He smoked pot when we first started going out and I aws really against it.Told him if wanted to saty with me than he would have to stop. Swore he would. The lying about the pot bothers me more than the pot itself though I'm shocked he still does it.

I know I keep adding things and this is probably excrutiatingly long, but I want to make sure I give the entire background as I see it. My husband has never truly been realistic and I whole- heartedly believe that we have a marriage worth saving (particualrly for the sake of our children). The grass is always greener, right? Of course we have very little excitement, we have 2 young kids, work stress, constant money stress (although after we claimed bankruptcy last year, our stress has been alleviated a great deal). He says he will try to work on our marriage, though he doesn't seem to be convinced anything will improve. I have promised to take our marriage off the backburner, but that seems to offer him little solice. He says that he knows that if we didn't get married before we had our first son, then we would not be together 9which of course, crushes me). However, I can't help but wonder, if it is stemming from mild depression which he continues to deny. anyone with experience?

Answer 1

This is not a situation that can be resolved on Yahoo. You need to get into counselling and see what the real problem is. It could be very simple and then again very complex. This needs professional advice. I wish you luck.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

I think counseling would benefit both of you, especially your husband. Before you give up on that, you should check around. Some offices offer reduced rates (you pay what you can afford).

Your husband sounds like he's confused and overwhelmed by the stress of everyday problems. He's probably a little immature and doesn't know how to deal with his issues. That's nothing to be ashamed of, we all need help at times. But, unless he is willing to seek some outside help, I doubt if he is going to be able to work through this on his own.

Your marriage is in trouble, if you want to save it, then you have to do whatever it takes to work this out. Sit down and talk to your husband, explain your concerns. Don't accuse him or argue with him, that would only push him further away.

Just because he's confused now, doesn't mean there isn't hope for your future. Talk to him, try to find some help for him. Your children deserve their family, you need to do everything possible to save theirs.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Wow certain issues pertaining your husband. I mean if he lies about smoking herb behind your back what else is he hiding? It seems he's distancing himself for reasons that only he can come up with either that be the truth or hiding behind his lies. Im not a man basher and I'm totally sure he's a good guy and loves his kids, but if he says he loves you but then doesnt then does then makes a point to say you're not his soul mate, maybe just maybe he's seeking out another females attention? I'm not real sure-but thats just from what I myself experienced in a relationship. I really think issues need to be laid out on the table, whether it be issues with the kids, money, smoking marijuana, his depression or jus the facts of him being distant from you and the family. Seriously needs to be brought up or destruction of the marriage will happen immediatly. I'm no marriage counselor and perhaps maybe thats what you both need? I wish you the best of luck, in such a sad situation. Think for your kids though, they are the ones that will take it as a major blow whether you stay together and fight or end the marriage all together. Just think of the kids.

Answer 4

OH my dear...You and your husband definately need to get into counseling.I know that you said that you can't afford it but if you feel that your marriage is worth saving then you will find a way to go.You said that you are catholic and so am I and I know for a fact that you can go to the pastor or priest at your church and they will counsel you for free.If your husband suffers from depression that is very serious and if it goes untreated can become very damaging.You need to swallow your pride and go to your church and ask for help they WILL give it to you.One more thing that I would like to say is that it is NEVER a good idea to stay in a marriage just because you have children because the children ultimately pay the price in the end when parents try to stay together for the children.PLease go to your church and get the help that you so desperately need.Feel free to e-mail or IM me anytime..Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

Any Marriage can be saved, no matter what the problem is, if the both of you are willing to work at it. Remember you loved him or her in the beginning and you can do it again. But it will take some effort from the both of you. Start by getting out of the box and doing something that you know will bring both of you pleasure. Don't wait for a birthday, anniversary etc. Surprise your mate, by having a note at the door when he or she comes in instructing them to proceed to the icebox where there is a ready made drink, set in your favorite chair and enjoy it, move on to the shower where you evenings attire is awaiting you, make you way to the bedroom where you final surprise is. You be there with a big bow on you back end or fully dressed and ready for an evening out. Use your imagination on this and enjoy the rediscovery of you and your mates new found love.

Answer 6

There's always hope when you have faith in it. I believe your husband is under alot of stress right now, coming from his work and family. You need to be understanding that your husband needs an outlet to relieve the stress within him, and during this period of time, he might become more verbally abusive and irrational. He needs his own space and you've got to help him through this tough period.

Answer 7

hey ther i would like to help u but after reading ur case two time i realy advise u to look for a professional advice and counseling there's no harm in that

Answer 8

I think he does love you. But i know from seen experiences, people who smoke pot have their minds messed up, and they usually get angry very quick. My brother used to smoke pot, he said he could hear people talking about him (even the next door neighbors) but nobody did. It was because his mind was being messed up with all that pot. he used to do a lot of stuff, he had to go prison during that period (of pot) because he got into too many fights. he always used to fight with us (his family) and say he hated us. but now that he's quit, everything is fine. So i think you should try doing something about the pot, because it really does mess up peoples mind and they dont know it.

Answer 9

Talk to a pro. Also he may not reliese he is depressed or its as bad as it appears to you. He may also feel in a rut. but all other advice i could give aside Get professional help.

Answer 10

It is really quite simple. VERY SIMPLE.

Go here and read for a minute or two.

http://www.lightyourfire.com/

Then, click around to locate the audio and video. I believe you will find the answers you seek there.