How do you raise a child who is not afraid to tell the truth?

Question

I think that there are clear reasons that children learn to lie.

1. avoid rejection...(child: can i have a cookie? parent: did you finish your veggies? child: yes [though the real answer is no])

2. fear ... (parent: did you do what i asked/instructed/expected? child feels: if i did not do as mommy/daddy/parent wants, s/he will be disappointed, will discipline me, will be angry)

3. embarrassment: (parent: did you wet the bed? child feels: i should be a big boy/girl by now but i am not and that means something is wrong with me)

If i am right about this, or on track to being right, how do you instill in a child the comfort to be truthful rather than succumb to embarrassment, fear, and fear of rejection?

Answer 1

Between ages 3 and 4, your preschooler begins to separate truth from falsehood, but this doesn't mean he's the most dependable reporter. He's still swayed by forgetfulness, wishful thinking, and imagination. (He honestly doesn't remember leaving his bath towel on the floor, he really wants to believe he didn't track in that mud, and he's certain the wind blew his broccoli off his plate and onto the floor so the dog could eat it!)

Preschoolers haven't yet developed a conscience that prevents them from telling lies. They do, however, know that certain actions are wrong, and they don't want to get into trouble. You can nudge yours toward becoming an honest person by creating an environment in which he feels safe telling the truth.

Don't call your child a liar. It'll only make him defensive, and over time he may start to believe in and live up (or down) to the label. Instead, let him know that you don't like lies, but you still love him — no matter what he's done. Say gently but firmly, "That doesn't sound like the truth to me. Sometimes we all worry about telling the truth if we're afraid we've done something wrong.


Find out why your child is fibbing. Your preschooler cheated big-time while playing Candyland with the family, and then denies doing anything wrong. But instead of leaping to the podium to give a lecture, prompt him with, "I know it was really important for you to win that game." Then let him talk about why he wanted to win so badly. Afterward, the two of you can discuss other ways to try to win and why fair play is important.


Praise truth-telling. When your preschooler tells the truth, reward him with praise. Especially if he's been caught lying in the past, he'll feel great about himself when he hears you say, "Thanks for telling me the truth. I like it when you do that."

Teach your child that lying doesn't work. We all lapse, and children are no exception. If your preschooler vigorously denies knocking over and breaking the vase with his new ball, voice your view of the facts — "It sounds to me like you wish you hadn't broken the vase" — and then give him a way to make up for his behavior (by having him help you clean up the mess and glue the vase back together, for instance). He'll learn that lying didn't make him any less accountable.


Set a good example. The best way to teach honesty is to be honest. Your preschooler will be confused about the rules if he hears you tell a caller that your partner, who's chopping vegetables in the kitchen, isn't home, or if you tell a ticket seller that he's younger than he is so you can save a dollar or two. Even when difficult subjects such as illness, death, or divorce come up, try to be straightforward. A preschooler who's told that his recently deceased Grandpa has just "gone away for a while," for example, will become anxious and confused about death, distrustful of your explanations, and inclined to think that telling the truth isn't really all that important. Better to tackle the subject sensitively — and honestly.

Answer 2

a child born into a house where there is real discipline (mommy/daddy/parent spanks) will always have the complex to lie. and will probably do so until they understand that the lie is their biggest trouble maker.

A child that has mommy/daddy/parent just talking to them, (mommy is not happy, you didn't do what you were told, or finish what you started, or went out side with out permission) but the give them the cookie any ways, those kids don't seen to have the complex to lie because the truth has not gotten them in trouble.

In most case, a child will lie just to get what they want, because, in case you didn't know, kids are very self centered and selfish, especially when it comes to yummies, or cartoons. they soon learn to say whatever they have to to get what they want. No matter which you have, the liar or the honest child.

If you want a child that is not afraid to tell the truth, it is a good Idea to discipline them when they have done something wrong, (hitting, lying, stealing, and reckless behavior) and comfort them when they THINK they have done something wrong, but haven't. (spilling a cup of juice, wetting the bed in the middle of the night, or getting into mommies make-up) these things are to be expected, cause they are kids. they wanna know what's up.

Lying is a way to get what you want, without doing the leg work.

Answer 3

It's definetly not easy. But. When my guys were small I didn't attack over every little thing. They knew that I was there for them. I started by telling them that if they told me the truth the punishment would be far less than if I caught them in a lie. Did you finish veggies? Well. If they were to say no then I would make a deal with them. Cookie for eating half of them. That's fair. You get 1/2 and they get goodies. Just cut back on them. Give one instead of 2. If they knew they could have had 2 they would have eaten it all. Fear: If they have fear this is a good thing. Kids don't have fear anymore. That's why they walk all over you. But if you want something done then bargain it. If you don't clean your room then you don't play until it's clean. That gives them a choice. Not a nice one. But a choice. It puts them sort of in charge. They can chose to sit like a lump or clean the room. Embarrassment: I have that deal with grand kids now. I tell them that I don't care that they wet the bed. It's just that I want to clean it up so that it doesn't smell and so that they have a dry place to sleep come night time again. If you point out why you asked then it should be fine. But if you do it to humiliate them, then that's your fault and it's totally wrong. People can't help wetting during sleeping. They'll grow out of it. If you didn't wanna clean it up you shouldn't have had kids. You are only making that worse on them. You are playing their nerves and making them more nervous about going to bed. Give kids a choice. The first choice has to be what YOU want. The second choice has also got to be what you want but in a different way so that they can feel THEY are making the choice. Ex: Do you want to behave? Or do you want to get smacked. They may not want to behave but it is definetly better than getting smacked. No matter which they chose they will still calm down. good luck. One of my kids hardly ever lied and the other was absolutely horrible about it. Ya can't win.

Answer 4

I agree that these are probably the reasons kids lie, although I'd throw in 4: rebellion. I think it would be easy to address the first three reasons by never rejecting, punishing or embarassing a child for their actions. But accepting everything a child does doesn't lead to a well-rounded personality, and doesn't really prepare them for the world which can indeed be critical and punishing at times. So, a balance is needed.

I think lying might actually be a good thing for kids to learn to some degree. White lies hold society together, and a little lie like "oh yes I ate all my peas you make the best food mommy" could be nicer for everyone than the alternative. So long as they feel comfortable coming forward with the important truths, I'd let the little ones slide.

Answer 5

What worked with my children was to tell them that no matter what they did or didn't do I would always love them. That as a parent with unconditional love I would always stand by them. I told them everyone in this world makes choices they weren't happy with later and they should remember that everyone has 20/20 in hindsight.

From the time my children were very young they were punished for lying and we dealt with whatever they lied about. This was always explained to them that no matter what they did we could deal with it if they told the truth. My children found it was better to tell the truth because they were given so much credit for it. It was actually beneficial to them to tell the truth even when they were afraid of disappointing me or making me angry. They still had consequences for their bad choices but they knew how proud of them I was when they told the truth. To be honest it is hard to be too angry with your children when they face you and tell the whole sometimes awful truth.

I won't say my children NEVER lied to me but they certainly told the truth more than any other children I know. They also came to me ahead of time with things they knew they might get "busted" for.

My children are now adults who have lived honest lives and have scruples that I am very proud to have been a part of.

Answer 6

I think the parent's reaction to a child's actions is very important. I would suggest explaining to your child if he or she does something wrong, or does something that they're too embarassed to talk about. Children can often understand things much earlier than people expect. We should not underestimate our children's ability to comprehend.

Answer 7

in the perfect world...yes you can raise such a child. but in this world we are in filled with many insecurites, there really is no hope of doing that. we can only opt that they tell the truth most of the time, and when it is greatly needed.

Answer 8

By keeping those 3 reason's in the for front of your mind.

Answer 9

The first thing is that YOU don't misguide him by lying. Fulfill all he needs so he starts telling the truth

Answer 10

only beat him if he lies...if he tells the truth,punish for the offense but dont have him so scared of you he will lie as a defense mechanism