How do you stop feeling underappreciated, without feeling like a bad person?

Question

i'm trying to help a friend but all i get is aggression in return

Answer 1

Oh I can so answer this! **raises hand** Pick me! Pick me!

I think what kills me is when a friend comes to me complaining about this and that and the other thing and they don't know what to do and their life is falling apart. And of course being a friend, I think, "Ok..... well they wouldn't be telling me all of this unless they wanted help. Right?"

So of course.... being a friend..... I pour out my heart with all the best comfort and advice I have to give. And what happens? All of a sudden I'M the one in trouble for trying to help...... or my advice is all wrong....... or they then avoid me.

Ok...... it soooooo took me the longest amount of time to figure this one out! But I think after years of this.... I finally have it mastered. (ha! As if *sigh*)

When your friend first comes to you venting..... they may not be asking for advice or help at all. They may just be needing to get all of their anger and frustration out from whatever issue they are dealing with at hand. While doing so, they aren't in the right frame of mind at all to take advice.... to look at both sides...... or to even see things logically or critically. They are just mad. They need to let it out. So let them. Let them just vent and vent and you sit there and nod and nod and empathize out the wazoo! But really try to refrain from giving advice.

Once they've let it all out.......... it's amazing the transformation that starts to occur. It's like...... they purged all the aggression and all of a sudden.... go through the stage of being ready to "fix." But THEY have to reach that point and come to us. Offering up advice before they are there just creates a whole other problem. It may be an hour later...... it may be the next day..... it may be the next week or month. But the bottom line is, this is something that your friend has to be ready to deal with, and until they are...... nothing you say will even sink in. And if it does, they will only be frustrated with you if your advice doesn't match their mindset.

It's the hardest thing in the world for me to do. To sit back and watch it happen. Knowing I could help.... seeing a solution!! But your friend has to see the solution or be ready to see the solution before it can ever be fixed.

Once that happens and you guide them toward this...... wow, the appreciation is immense. And sure...... you will hear them say, "Well why didn't you tell me this ages ago? Why did you let me suffer instead of jumping in and helping me?" You have to explain to them: "You weren't ready to listen. You wanted me to say what you wanted to hear.... and what you wanted to hear at that time.... was not what was going to solve this."

Advice from me: (if you are ready to hear it *wink*) Back away for a bit. Your friend will need you..... will come to you..... and you'll be there when they need you. For the time being, do NOT feel like a bad person. You are a good good person for helping. I can soooooo relate to you feeling underappreciated!! But its not your fault..... and it kinda sorta maybe isn't your friend's fault either. They just.. aren't... ready.

I sooo hope this helps. Come back and let me know how it turns out!!

Answer 2

You just start acting differently without letting anyone make you react. If you seem to have changed or are in a strange mood, everyone will wait to see what's wrong and then you start acting like you don't remember what they expect from you. Basically, throw them off your track, then introduce the new forgetful you when they expect you to do everything for them. It amounts to a state of confusion on your part (like the aliens just released you) and they, in turn, start to deal with the things you are being taken for granted for. Always change your own reactions if you want to change others. Words do not work. Actions do!!! It does work!!

Answer 3

i always find that if i do something i dont want to do, i usually regret doing it later. if something is bothering u to the point were its building negetive emotions within u, u should stop and realize that maybe ur asking to much from urself. and its also not healthy for one person to depend on another for emotional support that heavily. its not healthy for either party.
no matter how much u want to help someone, u can only take them so far, u can carry them up the mountain, bring them to the spring, lift the cup to their lips, but if their not gonna drink, their not gonna drink. ur friend has to want to change, want to be better, before anything u do helps them. and a lot of time when people hold onto negative energy like that, it infects those around them. maybe the best thing for ur friend is to realize that if they are gonna come outa this, its gotta be themsef who is the one to do it ♥

Answer 4

Never have expectations and you won't feel like this. Do things for people just because, not so you can get something back. And walk away from this friend, at least for a while, then they might realize how much you *were* doing for them. Don't stay around toxic people! Ugh!

Answer 5

I know the feeling, I have done the same, done everything I can for a person and they just abuse me. Especially when they are drunk.....I think a thank you now and again would be nice from the other person....Hey we are too good or stupid for our own self.

Answer 6

His agressiveness is likely a constant cry for help. You both would do well to see a counseler. You seem to have some guilt issues.

Answer 7

dun dund deeer leave him alone dont waste you time on someone who does not appresheate it =D or try getting him/her a sole m8,make him read a book called "how to become an alpha male" torrent it

Answer 8

Oh boy...Sometimes, you just have to let them be...

You're not a bad person so stop beating yourself up about it.

Answer 9

Has she asked for help? If not, she probably doesn't want it. Leave her be ... you're not a bad person because of it.

Answer 10

Dont try to help those who do not appreciate you.....why should you feel bad about trying to help.........