his cheating was my fault?

Question

people are telling me my husbands cheating is my fault. he recently confessed to cheating 4 times during the months of nov-jan. he said it was nothin but sex and will never happen again. i was unaware of his cheating. he says it happened cause he and i had been like a month with no sex and before that only doing it like once every other week. people are saying its my fault, that i basically sent him into the arms of another woman by not having sex with him after he repeatedly was saying he wanted/needed more and that i was too nice to him letting him go anywhere anytime and never questioning his whereabouts or checking up on him. i feel its not all my fault cause baby sleeps with us so what could i do? plus i told him pay a sitter and get a hotel and he wouldnt. yet now i found out he brought some old (40)ugly ***** we know to a hotel. im 26 hes 25. now that we do it everyday and im trying to spice things up he says he is the happiest man on earth and will never stray again.

i gave him the 2nd chance cause he at least confessed to me and we have 2 small babies together and 6 years together. plus he has totally changed. started going to church, quit drinking, and no longer going out, accepted my conditions on staying, and is trying so hard to put this behind us by being better daddy better husband.

is wasnt like an affair. these were quickies with a family friend who behind my back had fallen in love with him and started chasing him. he said the first time he was drunk and she came on to him and cause it had been so long he couldnt resist but that the other 3 times was because he was stupid and it was easy. thatthen he realized what he was doing, with who (ugly fat 40 year old im 26)and he realized all he was risking for stupidity. so he came home and confessed. he broke off all contacts with her and promised to go to counseling and changed his actions on his own. well he picked the wrong woman to cheat with cause she went pyscho. would stop calling him, threatening him, threatening me, stalking me, stopping my car to conversate with me, even claiming she is 2 months pregnant (we know for sure this is a lie). Hubby had to change cell numbers, job, and we moved. i think he has learned his lesson. we are going to counseling. and trying hard to save the marriage.

to the latest poster. he does not blame me, he said it is 100% his fault that he did had a hand to use. its other people who are telling me this, even the counselor we are seeing is suggesting this.

Answer 1

I'm sorry that you folks are having problems. BUT, get the baby out of your bed!!!!!!! Married parents should keep their bedroom for themselves. It isn't where babies should be sleeping. There is NO excuse for a husband to cheat. NONE. But, there is also no possible excuse for a wife to turn down her husband for a month. NONE. So, yes, this problem is BOTH your faults. His, for his actions, and yours, for your lack of action. While I seldom advocate counseling, in your case, it is essential. You guys have deeper problems than just the cheating. Get help from your minister, or some other source. You'll need it.

Answer 2

Lets be real.
It is low to blame the spouse, BUT, if he was asking for more and not getting it, you have some responsibility.
That does not let him off the hook only defines some cause.

It appears that some positive change was made so go with it.
Understand the conditions and move on with a better knowledge. In the long run this episode can result in a relationship where you have a better understanding of each other.

BTW the "once a cheater crowd" will always pull that out for you. That phrase totally discounts that people can learn from their mistakes. Use the knowledge you've gained and get on with it.

AND, I almost forgot, Get that baby out of your bedroom.
Better for the child and your marriage.

Answer 3

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! It sounds as if you have a young baby that sleeps with you. First that baby needs to be in his/her own bed. He has the issues with commiment. He was the one who left the marriage. I don't care if he was only getting sex once every other week. You have a new baby. He needs to get over himself and help his family. He should of talked with you, other than WHEN IS HE GOING TO GET IT!!!!! What kind of therapist do you have that would imply that it is your fault. I work in this field of work and, with children from many types of broken homes, and THIS IS NOT THE CASE FROM WHAT YOU HAVE SAID. Marriage, yes requires commiment, love, conversing, and time. You have to work together. It is not easy by any means. I have used this statement before, but, if you don't have rainy days, how can you appreciate the sunny ones!!!! Sounds like your husband has had a good dose of reality and you are both doing all the right things to repair your marriage. Good Luck to you both and remember, build on you trust. No relationship can heal and continue without trust.

Answer 4

First off its not your fault.

Second, its your choice to give him the second chance. I swore up and down that if mine cheated while he was deployed me and the baby were going home. He did. I was hurt but worked through it. Now, we still have some fights and honestly i don't fully trust him on deployments but i LOVE him as much as i ever did. I don't know what will happen if it he ever cheats again but its been 3 years and he is been a good boy.

Answer 5

Do not allow anyone to make you think your husband's "cheating" is your fault. His actions are totally his and his alone.

You have nothing to apologize for, taking care of two small children takes a lot out of a new mother. Marriage should be based on love and respect. Your husband should love you enough to be understanding, and he should respect you enough to not take the first opportunity that comes along to "cheat". Stop trying to excuse (and justify) his behavior, you are only enabling him. Your husband is immature and selfish.

Problems within a marriage do not give either spouse the right to turn outside their marriage. "Cheating" is always wrong and never solves anything. Where you go from here is up to you.

If you feel that your husband is truly sorry, if he is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust in him, then I'd say give him another chance. You are the one who is married to him, the choice is yours.

I wish you the best, good luck.

Answer 6

First of all....get that baby out of your bed. Babies belong in cradles or cribs....not in the marital bed.
If you really want your marriage to work, ask him to help with the children so you're not so tired at night and would be more open to his advances. If you are tired, he has to accept that no means no. If he can't accept that, he's acting like a spoiled brat and you should kick him out to the corner.
When he has to work a second job to be able to pay you support and child support for 2 children while maintaining a place for himself......he'll be too tired for sex!!!!!!!

It's not your fault he cheated...it was his decision. I'd let him know it's going to take a long time before you can trust him again so keep him close to home. And seek professional help.

Answer 7

Sounds like you've already resolved this one.

First of all, his cheating is not your fault. You may or may not have given him conditions to promote the likelihood of cheating, but ultimately the decision to stray was his.

The line about being "too nice" is crap. Would someone be happy if their spouse was "too strict", saying they can't go out or always questioning their whereabouts?

However, it seems that this is water under the bridge. If things are going well now, why go back and try to assign blame? Hopefully, you both learned from previous mistakes, and you can move on to a happier marriage.

I wish you well.

Answer 8

In your case its not your fault, but we have to understand that man and women are different in lot of things, why are most men visual and most women auditory? why most men like to look at girls and bodies and why most women like to hear 'I love you' even without their men proving it? When it come to sex, it's more a physical act for a man, a man can reach orgasm anytime when stimulated, but a woman has to get in the moods first before she can achieve orgasm or even just to have sex, why all the fuss and emotional issues? so should men blamed women for this and demand that they should be more like men when it come to sex? Due to all these differences men may go stray sometimes but it doesnt necessarily mean he lose interest in you or dont love you anymore, since he said he wont stray again, try giving him another chance and see maybe all good things might come together.

Answer 9

Every day is the way. Yes, you DROVE him DIRECTLY into the arms of that other woman. Men need SEX baby. We need to bump and grind and if our wives won't do it, we will find someone who will. YOU CAUSED THIS.

Regarding the baby, I cannot count the time we picked the baby up and put said baby in the baby crib long enough to screw like Black and Decker cordless screwdrivers. Then, when finished, we picked said baby back up from crib and placed said baby between us and gave said baby kisses, loves, tickles as we laughed, loved, smiled and carried on like a family.

BUT, we had our alone time and orgasms. Very important that you have orgasms, otherwise life is meaningless. I mean think McFly, you have the ability to orgasm, but you don't. What the hell were you thinking?

Answer 10

#1 - Counselors are full of crap. All of them try to spread the blame around to make both partners feel bad. When in most cases, 100% of the blame lies with one person. The one who cheated. Don't waste your money on counselors who's only job is to take your money and make you feel bad.

#2 - No, it's not your fault that he cheated. It doesn't matter what you've done or said, HE made the conscious decision to stray outside the marriage, and for that, he is 100% at fault. Whoever is telling you that you're to blame, you need to tell them to suck it and die, and mind their own business. Furthermore, to those same people, ask them if it's their fault when their spouse cheats. I bet they'll say no.

#3 - Get rid of your cheating man. People like to disagree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", but it's always true. People don't change, they just learn to hide stuff better.