What am I to do?

Question

I have been married to my wife over 8yrs now (together 9+), and we have been seperated for about 2 months now, and we have two children together. She says she was not happy, and I was to controlling.

I told her I wanted for us to work on things. She says that she needs time apart but she wants the same. However, she has told me that she has been with someone else (she says meaningless, just sex), and this hurts very much.

Am I wrong for being hurt, we are seperated after all. I don't know if I could put this new revelation behind. I feel I will always be competing, and thinking if he was better. I find it very hard to sleep, always seeing her with someone else, and when I finally do pass out, I have nightmares of it.

Should I just let time go by and see what happens? Should I move on now? What?

Answer 1

Your wife is having sex with with someone else and she says it's meaningless??? Ha,ha, ha bummer dude. Time to hit the road jack... It's time for the big D buddy. You don't need that. No matter how much you love her... You'l find someone better bro, I promise.

Answer 2

You are not wrong for feeling hurt. That's normal. The problem you and your wife are facing is loss of trust. That can be rebuilt. If she feels you were too controlling, that can be worked out. You have two children whose lives will forever be affected by what you both decide to do. The question is whether or not you can put all the old problems aside and begin again. If you both want to, you can see a counselor and work things out. The hardest thing you can do is work it out, but it offers the greatest reward.
As for the cheating. A great number of people resort to cheating in order to fill a void. There is a way for you to fill that void for your wife. Women need to feel connected. If they are lonely long enough, they try to seek out some form of comfort. My guess - if you indeed were too controlling, she may not have the support system women usually depend on - close friends and family - so she looked for support outside the world she knows.
Your inclination to feel competitive toward a man who your wife has told you means nothing is wasted energy. The truth is, no man can make love to a woman as well as a longtime partner. Obviously she was looking for the comfort she has found with you at some point in the past and clearly she could not find that. Put your energy in a positive direction. She has found the courage to be honest with you. Don't make the mistake of trying to punish her for it. You will do further damage to your relationship. If you two truly love each other, work it out.

Answer 3

my opinion is to give her the gift of missing you first and foremost. truthfully, there is really not enough info to go on for a complete analysis on the whole situation...Nobody is "better", just different ..the mind and thoughts and doubt will overtake your sanity if you let it...If you have actually seen her with someone in an intimate way, then you would be hurt and have a right to be. When she says it was "just sex" this may be true, because women and men both have what I call revenge sex..try not to let it get to you...it prob really didn't mean anything..you could go do it too if you wanted, but what would that gain? a disease? anything but more resentment?...hmmm? However if she says this just to hurt you and you have no actual proof, then get away and stay away and get involved with something; a church, a group, go to the library, read relationship or self help books, go bowling. Interjecting this here...if she calls you or allows you to call or visit her/the kids, her, once a week for instance, listen to what she has to say; dont WUSS out and dont be a girl to her, just be a man and act like it's no big deal if possible for you to do that..this will make her wonder what you're doing and why. Most of all, just get out and meet people and do not talk about her to anyone but one or two close friends who will listen and who really care about you. A pastor or preacher or some clergy may be best to talk with,but you dont have to do what they advise..mostly give yourself time to be alone, think, write things down if you must and walk and think about things if that helps also. basically just keep active with other things for now to help keep your mind and body occupied. Exercise, go to the gym if possible. Go to a movie..Do not call her or visit unless she has allowed it . Give her the gift of missing YOU..also, try remembering how it was when you first met and if you were the type of guy who teased her and busted on her for things she did and such, do that once or twice, but be funny , not cocky..see how she reacts..anger management books or meetings? good luck

Answer 4

There are two sides to every story. You are only telling what the wife has done since the separation. In her opinion you were to controlling, but that is a very vague description of what she went through. For a woman to be attracted to another man to the point of being with him intimately, while still married. She is very angry and is trying to put you through the same pain she has been through. So if you want her back, even after what she has done, you have to change and become a more confident person. Become a friend to her again. But if you can't find any trust after this point, and will always fear that in the back of you mind she will still be seeing this guy, or any man for that matter; then you should go ahead and divorce now. Find yourself another person to be with, eventually. But if it gets to this point...meaning a divorce. Be ready for a messy situation, especially where the kids are concerned.

Answer 5

Give it some time. You are very hurt right now. You need time to adjust to the news. Technically you are separated so it is legally ok for her to have sex with someone else, morally she could have waited a little longer. As for the thinking you are going to compare yourself to him, all guys do that. But think of it this way, she had a boyfriend before you right? Do you compare yourself to him? Remember for woman sex is 75% mental, it will always be better for her with someone she loves, not just some guy she banged. Ultimately you have to decide if you really want to make this marriage work, you should try because you have two children who deserve to be raised in a home with both parents. Do you want them to be a statistic on broken homes? My children are in the minority in school because they are being raised in the home with mom and dad. That is really sad, do not let it happen to your kids if you can avoid it.

Answer 6

Man, that has got to be tough. and that kind of pain is one that will take forever to get over. but then, it sounds like she has already moved on, and could you go back to her after the nightmares and the hurt? and still be able to make it work?
I think you need to re evaluate how much you care about her and how much you care about yourself.
can you forgive what she is doing?
can you go on knowing what she has done?
and will it affect your next relationship?
If you love her, then love her unconditonally and try to make it work out. tell her that you are not aware of how controlling you have been and let her take control of things. ask her what you can change that will make it work out.
or let it all go, and move on.
Is she willing to work things out.
a rule of thumb.
love another as much as your are willing to be loved in return

Answer 7

If you want to spend the rest of your life(if you stay together) wondering if she's f**cking someone new this week then go for it. I would start a new life without her and by the way thanks to her you'll have trusting issues with the next person and the next person until you get some therapy that helps you understand it's not your fault. I wish you the best,

Answer 8

If you've only been separated for two months, I think that's a bit soon for her to already be out seeing other people. I'd almost be willing to bet she knew this person before your separation. She seems to be moving on pretty quickly, and I don't think that says much about her willingness to work things out with you. I'm sorry, but if it were me, I would break things off permanently and save myself a ton of grief. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

just focus on your self at this time because what happened happened you can't do any thing about it let it go for you own sake. take time to let it out but you no the answer. this is your choice just because you have kids doesnt mean you should stay that doesnt sovle any thing just take as much time as you need
go do something you never did before like travel, when you look like your moving on with your life maybe she realize what she lost. and take it from there it's your choice good luck

Answer 10

Marriage counseling. Go. If your wife doesn't want to go, you go anyways to make an effort.
You aren't wrong for being hurt, it would be wrong if you weren't hurt by her indescretion. Go thru the counseling and just hang on for a while.


Good Luck!