the pressure
So I was watching Lifetime
One Day
And I saw
This Guy
Who Was Like 30
Something?
I Dunno
He was cute
And then like
My mom called me down
For Dinner
Or whatever
And I was like
Can you
Give me
a Break?
I'm watching
Something
Here
She was like
Well I'm
Not Gonna
Even
Bother
So anyway
That's the end
Of my poem
And
Oh yea...
I never saw that guy
Again
After the commercials
2007-03-10 19:32:56 · 12 answers · asked by ibid 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I happened to read your other poem first... the one about going out for burritos.
As far as poetry goes, this one seems to be lacking a bit as well. The line breaks seem arbitrary and don't really lead one line to the next nor do they allow the lines to really stand on their own. I'm getting that this is a persona piece, but not that it is a piece of poetry (though definitions are extremely hazy at best).
That being said, this one was pretty hilarious as well. I would suggest expanding it and turning it into a prose piece. There are people looking for monologue material all the time (at least there were in my public speaking and theatre classes). All you need is a bit more of a plot and keep the same voice throughout.
2007-03-11 01:25:08 · answer #1 · answered by Shell 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suppose in an abstract way that's ok. However, if you're trying to follow any conventional sort of prose, that's way off. Kinda sounds like it was ripped off from a song. Sorry but that's ,y professional opinion.
2007-03-11 04:43:54 · answer #2 · answered by damram23 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2000-/10
2007-03-11 04:59:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seriously?
2007-03-11 05:51:18 · answer #4 · answered by chavsgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Actually, it's rather good. Make a print copy of this and keep it. This may prove profitable to you someday. And, PLEASE keep working on your poems. Just write. And, write every single day, no matter what. I'm serious. I felt breezy and transported while I was inside your poem. That's magic stuff when that happens.
2007-03-11 04:45:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um yeah needs a bit of work
2007-03-11 04:42:26 · answer #6 · answered by Brony 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hahahhaha your the worst freakin poem writer ever, the end. Shoot yourself in the head and the world will be a better place
2007-03-11 04:41:46 · answer #7 · answered by yawaben 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
-100/10
2007-03-11 04:35:48 · answer #8 · answered by MagicalPixie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now just strum a few random power chords over it and you have yourself the next crappy emo song, or emo hit. (Same thing).
2007-03-11 04:49:35 · answer #9 · answered by AromaticMonkey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sentences are too choppy. too many slangs. meaningless.
it's not a poem at all. you can't hand this in as homework.
2007-03-11 04:46:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋