What should my girlfriend do about her marriage? Her husband has no respect for her and doesn't seem to care.

Question

I have a girlfriend who has been married for almost 4 years, they have a 3 year old son and a sad marriage. Her husband works a lot of hours at work and she stays home with their son. There are times when he is at work for 2 days straight, when he comes home she is very happy to see him and so is their son, however when he gets home he acts like he cannot be bothered. He speaks to her with no respect and put everyone before her. He has told her that he works and pays the bills, so that is enough. He never wants to do anything family oriented. My husband and him are best friends so my husband is in an awkard position. My girlfriend calls and comes over crying all the time. I try to advise her, but bottom line is she doesn't want to give up on their marriage. She does love him and knows her son deserves a 2 parent home. She spends most weekend doing family things with my husband and myself and our son. What can she do to make her husband understand how close he is to losing his family?

She has already sat down and told her husband how she feels and things change only briefly. They have been to counseling, but no longer go because he feels she is the only one with a problem. I have tried to explain to her that as much as she wants her son to have a 2 parent home, perhaps it is worse for him to be in a home with such tension and disrespect. They are our 2 closest friends and we really want to help them stay together. My husband tries to make it a point to call her husband and make family plans with him, so maybe he can see that doing things together is what families are all about. Please help, what advice should I give her? I feel like I have said everything and all I can do is listen to her and be a shoulder to cry on. What is wrong with her husband? I should also tell you that she is an exceptional wife and mother. She puts her husband and their son berfore anything, and she gets no appreciation. Her self esteem is pretty much gone!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input, I also wanted to tell Olesya C, that it was at his request that she not work anymore. She had her career, and when she had her son he wanted her to be a full time mom. I also should clarify that although he is at work for 2 days straight sometimes, he does not have to be, he is on call but easier for him to sleep in the beds at work rather than drive all the way home to get called back in. He does not need a break, trust me he is just lazy! And confiding in your best friend and bad-mouthing your husband all over town is 2 different things. Thanks anyway.

Answer 1

Well marriage counselling is the obvious answer, and it isn't just for your friend and her child, it's to save her husband's life. If it is indeed it is work he's doing. He's going to have a coronary. If he doesn't listen she will have to leave.

Answer 2

She is the only one with a problem.
Instead of taking her dirty laundry out to people, she needs to get her butt out of the house and find herself a job so her husband can get a long needed break and more time for the family life. Has it ever even occurred to her?? The guy is working 2 days straight to cover the bills, pulling the entire income on his shoulders, what kind of family life she can demand from him. If she wants their kid to have 2 parent home, she should take half of the weight off her husband's shoulders so he can have time for the kid. Instead of giving him a long-needed and well-deserved break, all she does is running around the neighborhood bad-mouthing him and telling how "sad" her marriage is. Now your family is forced to listen to all her crap and in an awkward position because of that. Next time when she runs over to you again with all her "problems", have few words fo her: "Get a job!"

Answer 3

MAybe your influence is making things worse!! Your probably telling her what she shoud do instead of be there just to listen and probably giving all sorts of uneducated advice that makes her very depresed with her situation. Poor guy, her is working hard to makes ends meet, gets home exhausted, and has no energy. yes he is in a RUT and needs to get out of it but thats up to her to wake him up to what is happening in their life on her own. Last thing he needs is to get home and listen to her tell him things which you have put in her head. I have seen it before where the good friend who should be there to help and be a shoulder to cry on or listen to INTERFEARS and starts giving stupid advice like "i would leave him if I were you" and "you deserve better' or you make her watch how happy your family is not realising what problems your actually causing. Don't get involved, how would you feel if your the reason they brake up and a child loses a parent. Its not just a simple brake anymore, now they have a family and let them work it out. As hard as it is its in her hands, but she must push him to realise what is going on all on her own, not because of what you say to her!!!

Answer 4

Excuse me and forgive me for taking up this space, but she could just try and explain everything to her husband... though this might not work very much... who knows. Poor lady, she must have a hard time..
She probably is a great person, but I would say try not to get impatient, and try and show that she loves him, like eg. doing the extra little bit and asking how he is and making him feel appreciated. Is he really a nasty person, or is he just depressed and tired?
He might just have problems with work. Or he feels like she doesn't do enough. But then that means he doesn't know what she does...
I'm afraid I don't really know much, but maybe just showing that she cares and loves him and doesn't want to give up might be the best thing she could do.
And please give my encouragements to her :)

Answer 5

Hard as it may seem, it is not your problem. You can advise, you can help when asked, but she must make her own decisions.
What you can say to her is that he could be encouraged to work less. He's obviously so tired, mentally as well as physically, that he isn't even able to relate to his family. He's actually destroying his family and himself. Even your husband could drop a quiet hint about his overworking commitment.

There is another possibility, and that is that he has another relationship, and doesn't yet want to talk about it, but don't, please, say anything to her about that possibility. Just be prepared to help if the crunch comes.

Answer 6

He sounds very unhappy and he's the only one who can change it. She needs to point blank tell him there's a problem in the marriage and it needs to be worked on. She can't make it work by herself and if he doesn't want to she and her son are better off elsewhere.

Answer 7

You've done all you could now, keep your nose out of it, it's up to her to make her own decisions.
Your the one that's going to end up on the wet end of the rope with your ideas parting them, they'll look at you as the bad guy in the end, guaranteed.

Answer 8

she needs to go back to work, and if she really isn't happy she needs to tell him she wants to separate, and if he cares for her he will make the changes, if not he won't. sometimes we need to separate and wait and see. i do believe we teach people how to treat us, and whatever we don't deal with continues. she does need to go back to work, if he puts everyone before her and shows no respect she needs to separate from him, and if she sees no changes after that, divorce him.

Answer 9

if i was in her shoes tell her to leave him and if he loves her hell want her back. if he doesnt try to get her back well he has no feelings for her. i heard absence makes the heart grow fonder. i forgot where i heard that from though. sometimes in order to see how your spouse feels you gotta take a risk. if she doesnt leave he wont change at all and hell get more and more distant from her. my husband used to treat me like dirt he ended up having a affair we seperated he continued having the affair then relized that i was what he wanted in his life.

Answer 10

give this man some time alone to sort out what is important to him in his life...most people live their lives in quiet desperation