A poem I wrote, what do U think?
The day's just beginning
You see the girl you love
You don't know what to do or say
You're friends
You talk to eachother everyday
On the phone, computer, etc
You're walking with her
Talking, laughing, having the time of your life
The sun hits ya, you smile at her she smiles at you
It's time to say goodbye
You hug and walk off
You're walking, past places where we played as kids
Later you talk to eachother
Time's ending
You say you'll see eachother tomorrow
You know what
You're in goddamn love
Is there anything else better in the world
2007-03-10 14:50:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Wow that's beautiful....can i print it to show my friends?
2007-03-10 15:09:09 · answer #1 · answered by spartamonkey14 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I like that, i like it a lot. I don't suppose there is anything better, though there are similarities of pleasure, but where do you sit on the fence with such? Some find pleasure from paying their bills, to the birth of a new child, i where going to say "Breaking up" crazy i know, but we all learn by our pain and personal experience. That makes us better people the next time we fall in-love. I pray for you its not like that, but to pray that you don't break-up one day would deny you the experience that would make you a better person. So you go with it and enjoy yourself, just don't hurt each-other too much if you do. You have my blessings, take care x
2007-03-10 23:03:31 · answer #2 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This might be a bit harsh..
1. "you", "ya", "we", choose one.. if you use "you", you're speaking in 3rd person, why do you suddenly change to "we"? And "ya" is just out of place in a poem using entirely "you"s.
2. I can't find the link. Although you can tell it's the passing of a day, the link from activity to activity isn't there. e.g. "you don't know what to do or say", "you're friends". I suggest you might want to split your poem into stanzas (paragraphs), to categorise each part of the day.
It's generally a good poem though ^^ good job!
2007-03-10 23:12:59 · answer #3 · answered by Shan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds more like a story or letter than a poem. But I don't like the "goddamn" at the end of it. Leave that part out. I'm sure she would like it either way, story, letter, poem, whatever
2007-03-10 23:01:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's from the heart - but you have to lose the"etc" in the one line. It doesn't belong. Just say maybe -"on the phone, on the computer.
2007-03-10 22:54:36 · answer #5 · answered by misseasygoing 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not bad man...but get rid of the "etc." and the "goddamn"....think of a diff word that describes it with excitement and bluntness....other than that nice job
2007-03-10 22:57:56 · answer #6 · answered by The Answerer 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
remove the "etc." and place "..." instead and remove the part "you're walking past places..." as well and try "you're thinking, we'll see each other again tomorow,and suddenly, hey you're in love! is there anything better than that?" try it and see what happens...:-)
2007-03-10 23:03:49 · answer #7 · answered by BlueAngel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has promise, although it needs some heavy editing.
2007-03-10 23:07:14 · answer #8 · answered by st.uncumber 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are good. Just put a few rhymes here and there.
2007-03-10 22:56:16 · answer #9 · answered by Super_Noypi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it
2007-03-10 23:00:00 · answer #10 · answered by Deadly and Divine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awesome!
i would melt if a guy read this to me
2007-03-10 22:53:41 · answer #11 · answered by determined 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋