Could you answer this question?

Question

This is something I have written so far. I am going to continue to write on it. I want you to rate it from a 1-10. Please do not answer unless you read all of it. Thanks!

Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me. Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people. I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old. I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them. I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.

I knew from the day that I had made my decision to move from my favorite place in the world, that I would miss a lot in Phoenix. I had grown attached to Phoenix. The blistering heat, the sandy beaches and swimming in the beautiful ocean. I had bid my farewell to the sun, my friends, and most of my wardrobe. In London, there are seasons. There are seasons in Phoenix too, except the weather doesn't take a different direction when they changed. In England the weather would be cold in winter. More than cold, some days would be below freezing. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days three-hundred and sixty days of the year. Just gone. Of course there would be summer.....once a year.

Suddenly, all the lights flickered off. I looked out the window. I couldn't see a thing, the sky was jet-black. Apparently it was nighttime. As I looked out the window and into darkness, I realized I was tired. I retrieved the blanket from the seat pouch in front of me and threw it over myself.

I lay back in my seat and I surrendered to my lids. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke the lights were back on. A flight attendant was coming around with breakfast. I pushed up my window shutter and looked out. There was a huge glare of light and it burnt my eyes. I quickly slammed the shutter back down.

A movie was playing on the big screen a few seats ahead, I didn't bother to plug any headphones in though. I just watched the characters dance across the screen. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a romance film or action film. I just guessed both, because before there were two people lip locked and now people were getting killed. Since I couldn't follow the movie without headphones and I didn't really feel like getting some out, I just stopped trying to watch. I just let my head rest against the seat. I had nothing to do.

My Ipod was out of battery, I'd finished my book, my notebook was in one of my suitcases, and I didn't have any homework beings I was moving. I just sat in my seat for I don't know how long. I probably fell asleep. If I had, I was awoken by the little ding right before the captains voice boomed out over the plane. "We are now arriving in London Heathrow. We hope you enjoyed being aboard, here on British Airways and we hope to have you back soon. The seat belt sign is still off and we ask that you do not unbuckle your seat belt until the plane has come to a complete stop." We were rolling along the runway, getting slower and slower. When the plane came to a halt I heard the sounds of everyone taking off their seat belts. I quickly unbuckled mine and stood up. I felt under the seat for my duffel and then pulled it up and slung it over my shoulder.

After finding my suitcases from the baggage claim and getting back through security, I arrived in the room where I would meet my dad.

Thousands of unfamiliar faces stood behind the rope, some holding signs, a lot were waving and the others were just waiting patiently. I scanned the people for my father. He was all the way to the left leaning against the wall with his nose in a book. As I sauntered over to him I started to fret. I hadn't lived with him for thirteen years and now here I was, standing in the airport of Heathrow, England awaiting living with my father for what could be years. I noticed I was biting off the rest of my nails. I took them out of my mouth to examine them. They were short and stubby. Nail polish had chipped off of them and there was almost no white left on the top. This was a habit that needed to be broken. I put both my hands to my sides and approached my father. My father was a business man. He had thick curly hair and was your average 6'2". He is forty-nine years old, but he looked much younger. I on the other hand also had thick hair.

Except mine is a shocking red, my father's is a blondish color. I get the red from my mothers side. My hair is waist length and straight. My big round brown eyes mesh well with the exotic red of my hair. My shimmering red hair is one thing I liked about myself. I'm 5'8". I am now taller than my mom, but not quite taller than my dad. I still had to shoot up seven inches if I wanted to beat him. I don't think that's ever going to happen though.

"Dad." I said hesitantly. He glanced upward and looked around as if he were trying to remember where he was. Then his eyes fell on me.

"It's great to see you Ella." he said. He put his arm around me, and we started walking down to the car. He had a midnight blue B.M.W. The engine barely made a sound. Before I knew it we were out onto the highway. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mother." It had been three years since my mother's passing. She had gotten killed in a car crash.

I was devastated when I had first heard the news, but now I was fine. I would have come to London then, but I had begged to stay in Phoenix.

"It was three years ago dad." I could tell he was just searching for something to say.

"Oh, Right" he said. "Why didn't you come down here when she you know...died?" He turned his head so he was staring straight out in front of him. I could tell he was trying not to make eye contact.

I shrugged. "I just wasn't ready, that's all." I turned my head out the window. Buildings towered above me. I identified Big Ben and the House of Parliament. London was beautiful.

"Oh." was all he said. After that, we both had nothing more to say. After a while, I heard the crunch of gravel and I realized that we were pulling into the drive of my new home. The house was white with a black roof. It wasn't extremely big, but it wasn't small either. I'd been to this house many times before, I'd lived here until the age of four. And after that, every summer for thirteen years. My dad turned the key and pushed open the door. I stepped inside and kicked off my flats.

"I'm gonna go up to my room. 'Kay Dad?"

He nodded and I hurried up the stairs. My room was inviting. Like most of the house, the walls were painted a light beige color. There was a queen sized bed placed in the middle of the room with an aqua blue comforter and a small white dresser placed in the corner of the room. On the other side of the room, there was a closet, with the doors also painted white. A desk sat to the wall left of the bed, also being white. A computer was placed on it, except the computer was a black apple. I collapsed on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Only minutes later my dad called me back down.
"Ella, you want some lunch?" I was hungry. I hadn't eaten my past breakfast or dinner because everything they served me on the plane revolted me.

"Not much, check the fridge and the pantry. You can find something. I haven't been able to go shopping lately because I have been real busy with work." he said with a sorry expression. I decided I would try and make things a little easier for him.

I decided I would try and make things a little easier for him. I finally came to a conclusion to just make a P.B & J. The peanut-butter didn't spread well and the jelly was too thick. But it was all I had, so I gobbled it down.

After lunch I went back up to my room and emailed my Aunt Beccie. She had been so good to me, it was almost as if she was my mother. She had certainly treated me like her daughter. I had been living with her the past three years. She had let me drive around in her car after I had gotten my license. (I was really pissed that I would have to wait another year to drive here, after I already got my license in Phoenix.) She made me meals even though I was capable of making them myself. And she had helped me around after my mother had died. My mother's name had been Alice. My father's name is Jason, but I never called him that to his face. When I was with my aunt Beccie, I had always referred to my dad as Jason. On my email I wrote-

Aunt Beccie,

I am all settled in. The only thing I have left to do is unpack my clothes. Jason-dad- is being really nice about everything. Tomorrow I have to face school. Wish me luck! I will send you an email tomorrow on what it's like. Love you, bye!
-Ella
I sent the email to my aunt Beccie and then checked if I had any other messages. None. There was no one to email or receive an email from besides Beccie at this point. I didn't have close enough friends in Phoenix...well, I did. Lilan had been my best friend a year ago. But then sure enough, she moved to Wisconsin and we lost contact. I shut down the computer and and trudged over to my two suitcases. When I had been packing my clothes with Beccie, we saw that I didn't have a very wide range of clothing to take to London so she had taken me shopping.

That is how I ended up with two bags. I filled the drawers in the dresser and then filled the closet. After the suitcases were empty I tucked them under the bed. Then my father called me back down.
"Ella, I forgot to tell you something. Could you come down her for a second?" I groaned. I was so tired. I didn't want to go back downstairs, but I dragged myself down the stairs anyways.

"Yeah dad?" I asked.

"He held a bag out in front of me. "I forgot. At your new school. A uniform is required." Now I was really groaning.

"A uniform?" I wailed. I took the bag and dumped out the garments on the counter. There was a black jacket that had a little logo up in the corner that read, Norton Prep., a blue, green and black plaid skirt, a blue button up shirt with a collar, a green, black and blue tie and long gray socks. It actually wasn't that bad, but I was still enraged by the fact that I even had to wear a uniform.

"I'll go try it on." I stomped off to the bathroom and flung on the clothes. They fit. I examined my reflection. It didn't look all that bad. My radiant red hair looked good against the black and blue, and the skirt was actually kind of cute. At least I wouldn't have to worry about what I would wear the next day to blend in.
"How did you get my sizes?" I questioned him.

"Oh, before you came, I called your Aunt Beccie for your sizes. She told me real quickly because she had to do something, so I never got to tell her what she was giving them to me for." he explained to me.

"Oh." I said. "Uhh Dad. What about my shoes? All I have are these black flats and white and green adidas." If I wore the adidas, they would really stand out.

"The black flats will do fine. You are allowed to wear any shoe as long as it's black. Oh and another thing. You are allowed to wear jewelry and that type of thing. But you have to wear the uniform." he told me. That was good, I would be able to wear my earrings.

"Okay." I sighed. "Well thanks." I looked down at my watch. It was only 5:00 PM. I grumbled.

"What?" he had heard my groan.

"Nothing. It's just I'm really exhausted. I didn't sleep on the plane at all so I'm extremely tired." I said as my mouth spread into a wide yawn.

"Why don't you go watch the television?" he suggested. I didn't usually watch T.V, but I would get to rest, and not fall asleep so it sounded like a good idea. I nodded and headed for the living room. I decided I would watch a movie instead. I tread over to the shelf that I noticed had a bunch of DVD's all lined up on it. I ran my finger over them as I read. My hand stopped at Titanic. Titanic was one of my favorite movies, and it was long. That was good. I put Titanic into the DVD player and then settled on the couch. I watched the movie intently, in-taking everything I saw. I fought against my heavy lids the whole movie, but I won the battle. When the end came I was bawling. No matter how many times I watched it, I still cried. I grabbed the remote and switched off the T.V. I looked down at my watch now. It was around 8:00 PM. It was late enough to go to sleep, judging I hadn't been to sleep for somewhere around twenty hours.

I said goodnight to my dad and then carried myself up the stairs. I pulled open my pajama drawer and pulled out my favorite pair of pajamas. The bottoms were black and blue striped and the top was a black tank top. I put them on and then plopped in bed. I reached over and flicked off the light. I was asleep within ten minutes. I dreamed I was back in Phoenix. It was two years ago and I was walking barefoot along the beach with Lilan. We were discussing something, but the topic I didn't remember. I couldn't understand what she was saying. And I didn't know what came out of my mouth.

Instantaneously I heard a knocking sound. I didn't know where it came from. Then I remembered I was in London, living with my father.

He was knocking on the door. Now that I was awake, I could think about my dream. I now remembered that ,that was the discussion we had, had right after my mom had died. Right before Lilan was moving. But I couldn't think about my dream. I had to go to school today. I opened the door to let my dad in.
"Ells. We have to leave in an hour. I'll drop you off, but then I have to go to work so just go in and go to the office. Okay?" I nodded and yawned. I closed the door and changed into my uniform. I ran a brush through my hair and then just let it hang down. I grabbed my silver hoop earrings and placed them in my ears. I studied my reflection one more time before I went downstairs. It was 6:45 AM. My school started at 8:00 AM.
"Here, I made you some toast." he pushed a plate over to me as I sat down. It had that same thick jelly on it. I took a nibble out of the corner to test it. It tasted fine. The butter wasn't butter, it was margarin.

I only finished one half and then threw the other half away. I chugged down my glass of orange juice and then went to brush my teeth.

"Okay Ells. Here we are. Norton Prep." He didn't park the car. He wished me good luck and then drove away. I just stood staring up at the school. I took a deep breath and walked to the door. I swung it open and stepped inside. Outside the sun was hidden behind a cloud and the wind blew briskly. It was warmer indoors. The front office was straight ahead so I was lucky. I opened the door and strode over to the front desk. The lady was on the phone. She held up one finger and smiled at me. She had a slight gap in between her two front teeth. She hung up the phone and asked me sweetly, "May I help you?" her accent was strong. It was shocking.

"Umm yes. I'm Ella Turner." I replied.

"Oh you're Ella Turner!" she exclaimed. She dug through a drawer in a cabinet and then pulled out three pieces of paper. "This is your schedule." she held a piece of paper out to me. I took it and read down the list of subjects. Calculus, Science, Biology, P.E every other day, Computers(every day P.E wasn't), Social Studies, Art, Trigonometry. Seemed okay to me. My dad knew I was good at math. The subjects were in order. Lunch period was right after Social Studies. "This is a map of the school." she said as she handed me another piece of paper. I tried to study it as best as I could. I didn't want to walk around with my nose in a map all day. "And this-" she said as she outstretched her hand that was holding another piece of paper. "This is something for each of your teachers to sign. Tell them your name and ask them to sign the piece of paper. Good luck. You should probably head to your homeroom now.

Answer 1

It is wonderful! It has lots of description and i can really visualize what is going on. I give it a 9!

Answer 2

I think that you are re-writing "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. That's fine if you're just playing and writing fanfiction and whatnot, but the story is very obviously a derogatory work. It is a girl named Ella (Bella) moving from Phoenix (same) to London (Forks), talking about the seasons, and the bright sun, calling her father by his first name to herself but not to him... Some things are obviously different, but in general you're just writing Twilight again but making it slightly different.

The writing in general is fine (some minor errors and such) and you can keep writing it if you want--- for fun - it will not be able to be published, as the publishers don't want to get sued for plagarism. If you're just having fun, go ahead and write. But I'd love to read something that came straight from you and not something I've basically read before. Original stories are the best :-)

Also, Phoenix is in Arizona, which is landlocked - there is no ocean, no beach to stroll on.

Answer 3

Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me.

(the second half of this sentence is unnecessary and should be cut out)

Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people.

(The second sentence should either be split into two sentences or should read: Some people get it, but I'm not one of them.)

I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old.

(That last sentence is not a proper sentence. You should combine it with the previous thought. Try this: I was headed to London. I had visited my father every summer since I was four yeas old, but now I was going to be staying for good.)

I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them.

(racketing is not used properly nor is except. Try: The bellowing noises and the excitement of the big city lifestyle is great. But after awhile, that excitement begins to wane for me and I find myself becoming restless and longing for something more.)

I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.


I knew from the day that I had made my decision to move from my favorite place in the world, that I would miss a lot in Phoenix.

(That comma is unnecessary in that last sentence; however, a comma is need in the previous sentence between London and though.)

I had grown attached to Phoenix. The blistering heat, the sandy beaches and swimming in the beautiful ocean.

(That's a fragment. What about the blistering heat, sandy beaches and swimming in the ocean? And where is there ocean and beach in Phoenix?)


I had bid my farewell to the sun, my friends, and most of my wardrobe. In London, there are seasons. There are seasons in Phoenix too, except the weather doesn't take a different direction when they changed.

(Changed should instead be change, in order to be consistent with doesn't)

In England the weather would be cold in winter. More than cold, some days would be below freezing. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days three-hundred and sixty days of the year. Just gone.

(That needs to be one sentence. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days, three-hundred and sixty days of the year were just gone.)

Of course there would be summer.....once a year.

Suddenly, all the lights flickered off. I looked out the window. I couldn't see a thing, the sky was jet-black.

(That last sentence should be divided into two sentences. I couldn't see a thing. The sky was jet-black.)

Apparently it was nighttime.

(The word "apparently" is unneeded)

As I looked out the window and into darkness, I realized I was tired. I retrieved the blanket from the seat pouch in front of me and threw it over myself.


I lay back in my seat and I surrendered to my lids. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke the lights were back on. A flight attendant was coming around with breakfast.

(The last two sentences should be combined into one. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke the lights were on and a flight attendant was coming around with breakfast.)

I pushed up my window shutter and looked out. There was a huge glare of light and it burnt my eyes. I quickly slammed the shutter back down.

(This reads better as: Quickly, I slammed the shutter back down.)

A movie was playing on the big screen a few seats ahead, I didn't bother to plug any headphones in though.

(This snetence is improper. It should read: A movie was playing on the big screen a few feet away, but I didn't bother to plug in the headphones.)


I just watched the characters dance across the screen.

(The word "just" should be elimintated.)

I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a romance film or action film.

(Insert "an" in front of action.)

I just guessed both, because before there were two people lip locked and now people were getting killed.

(Should read: I guessed both, since there had just been two lip-locked lovers on the screen and now people were getting killed.)

Since I couldn't follow the movie without headphones and I didn't really feel like getting some out, I just stopped trying to watch. I just let my head rest against the seat. I had nothing to do.

My Ipod was out of battery, I'd finished my book, my notebook was in one of my suitcases, and I didn't have any homework beings I was moving.

(Lose the "beings I was moving." It isn't needed and reads poorly.)

I just sat in my seat for I don't know how long. I probably fell asleep.

(Should read: I sat in my seat for a long time and eventually fell asleep.)

If I had, I was awoken by the little ding right before the captains voice boomed out over the plane. "We are now arriving in London Heathrow.

(Lose the "If I had.")

Answer 4

10!

Answer 5

um...forget what I said. Its a novel, so essay rules don't apply. A very nice start for a short story/novel! 7.5 at least out of 10, maybe 8.5 or 9.

Answer 6

9! Yeah!

Answer 7

9.5..Excellent Job!!

Answer 8

8.5 nice work

Answer 9

What is brain racketting??????

Answer 10

9.25